Trying to understand my life choices

Please forgive me for rambling, I am trying to get my head around the new me after a long time not knowing me at all.

There are some choices I have had to make in my life that I am not proud of, there are choices and different choices all have helped me along the way to learn and grow.

Great mistakes evolve when fear holds you tight. What was happening in my life gripped me with fear and anxiety. Over time decisions were made for me,  I did a lot of things in my life out of fear. I started to realise the choices I made in my life, and the need to make  changes in my life

My reactions came out of fear, to I look at my life and realise, doubt, self-doubt, worry, stress are all reactions that cause health problems. Today there are many health problems caused out of a life-time of stress.

When stress, anxiety takes hold of your body, everything engulfs you like a war going on in your mind. I wondered now what life would have been like without stress or worry, choices I made in life would’ve come out of love instead of worrying if those footsteps were your children or someone you feared.

Life has changed for me, I still struggle, when old patterns of life appear from out of no-where, my heart skips a beat and I am lost. I’ve panicked, I am the first to admit it, my PTSD has triggered. The centre of peace I created has been lost every time, I get angry with myself. That is the most annoying part, I don’t want to get angry anymore. I just desire to come back to the new me that I am getting used to and make my own decisions.

Today my heart is open more, I’ll always learn there is something else I can do; I can mend whatever is broken. There is no shortage of tough moments in life.  I am continually challenged facing tough moments set before me. Life is a journey we face so many ups and downs, I am discovering a deeper sense of myself. Along the road of my journey, that has been hard and revealing in many ways. Discovering you is an experience. That is one thing I have trouble getting my head around. Sometimes I see the old ways creeping in, I have to remind myself and give myself time.

I’ve been healing all these months, I remind myself, I am alive and not living in darkness, fear. Those years of fear are now gone. I’ve been doing the work, which I needed to do. I’ve created a healthy life now. I used to jump at any sudden noise, cry at the drop of a hat, wonder who was walking up behind me. Images of a life of fear are now gone. We all have a right to make the choice to walk away from fear, violence, and live in peace.

I am very aware of my life and choices I have made to rebuild, I tried to have the perfect life a hundred years ago, as I describe my life now. I would punish myself severely trying to be perfect. I thought it was meant to be. That idea has now going out the window. I know now I will make mistakes.  I understand and know there will be times when I don’t handle situations and struggle to make the right choices. I am not going to ruin myself anymore by becoming someone else other than who I am. The judge inside me is very hard on me,

.

Planting the seeds of life now is very precious to me; life is not about perfection, or putting on the perfect mask of life. Oh! How that shone before, the mask of a perfect marriage, There were so many deep hidden secrets. I have a deeper understanding of myself now. Over this year I have let go of so many things, I had to, to live.

The past, tries to creep into the future, many times, now I keep walking creating a space between me and the past. I don’t need to turn around anymore and see the past. I have looked back, I’ll be honest sometimes in the real early days it would have been easier to go back than to face the future. I’ve made bad decisions, when I have been in a confused state of mind. Sometimes I thought the future was a mirage, it would never happen, now I have arrived in the future and making a life.

I tortured myself for so many years, but those days are now gone, I am living in the here and now, making the very best of my life. I’m not perfect, I will make mistakes, maybe I will hurt people, but I’m not hurting myself anymore. I will do everything possible to do everything right, because I care about my choices today and always..

(c)bjsscribbles

 

Deep inside our minds

Lately I have been doing some deeper work with my psychologist opening deep secrets that I carried with me right through my life. Finally dealing with life, I am moving on further. Each line I have written has meaning for me. Dealing with the past with imagery is a powerful tool.
—————————————————————–
Where is meaning in this world
I have struggled to find meaning
We all know this world, yet we struggle
Today we try, but yet we wonder

I wonder where it is all going to end
Where should we all go?
There is so much hidden
Questions unanswered
Will we ever find the answers
The answers hidden, among the maze of the world
Deep inside our minds
Hidden deep in our inner soul

Life that is hidden, life we try to hide
Life does find you,
And it all releases
All the secrets of life hidden beneath the shield
The secrets of life can ruin the life you have made
Free up your life and release the secrets, dark secrets
The memories will fade, hidden in our lives
So many stories untold, of things we didn’t want told
The world came to a close for me, I told someone
Finally closure, my feelings are known
The struggle will soon be over
I am finally home

(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

We’re all a child of the Lord

To turn the page, as others do
Chances we take, before we get much older
We’re all a child of the Lord
How we look at each other
You’re the voice, Lord I understand
Your, voice is clear
No longer we sit in silence
We don’t live in fear
No longer
You’re the voice, try an understand
It’s time now we can all stand together
With the power of the Lord
Powerful, believing, we can make a better life
To turn the page, as others do
Chances we take, before we get much older
We’re all a child of the Lord
How we look at each other
You’re the voice, Lord I understand
Your, voice is clear
No longer we sit in silence
We don’t live in fear
No longer
You’re the voice, try an understand
It’s time now we can all stand together
With the power of the Lord
Powerful, believing, we can make a better life
(c)bjsscribbles

Thank you Lord for the help You have given me

 

Life experiences sometimes are a challenging for us all to achieve the mountain heights and leave anxiety and depression behind. Once this next section of my life is complete, the work I am doing at the moment with God’s help, I should not be walking in the valley of darkness any more. God has taught me many things along my journey so far, proving I am never alone, though I have felt the depths of loneliness when I have been ill. I believe there were so many feeling pent up inside me, He wanted me to face the truth, learning there are many parts to the power of God’s will, I may not have ever come to know otherwise

My  depression is over, all I can do is stay positive, my friend anxiety creeps in as it did earlier this year with quite a bang, it was totally out of left field, I was reeling so hard, my PTSD reared its ugly head. When fear controls your memories and flashbacks, reaches into my soul again after so long being away, you don’t sleep, toss and turn. I wanted it all to go away; it has left my body for now.

There are many of us out there that struggle; I know I am one of millions. Yet when I turned to God out of desperation, repented, and turned to God for the first time in my life. Learning I am on a journey now in my life with God following alongside. We all know the poem “Footsteps in the sand”. We are reminded we are not alone, learning to trust again for the first time in my life has bought me closer to God and I know He loves me and you that are there alongside me. There are times still when I don’t know what is happening to me, lately I have had a major COPD attack, struggling to get on top, many times in  and out of desperation I have prayed. “Lord, Help me I need my breath” In Jesus name Amen

My prayers are slowly getting better over time, learning how to pray, by just talking to God has been the most challenging experience. People have told me my prayer are from the heart. Also someone told me it is just like talking to a friend, because of my life before I never knew much about friends. Today, I either turn to Isaiah, Psalms, there is a special nearness here that I achieve when I need that special closeness. When I am walking around the hills, I feel God’s breath, the Holy Spirit, walking with me. God has become my strength, the envelope of my Faith. When I read this section of Isaiah, I feel I am with God and it gives me strength

Isaiah

53

Who has believed our message

and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?

2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,

and like a root out of dry ground.

He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,

nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

3 He was despised and rejected by mankind,

a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.

Like one from whom people hide their faces

he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

4 Surely he took up our pain

and bore our suffering,

yet we considered him punished by God,

stricken by him, and afflicted.

5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,

he was crushed for our iniquities;

the punishment that brought us peace was on him,

and by his wounds we are healed.

6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,

each of us has turned to our own way;

and the Lord has laid on him

the iniquity of us all.

7 He was oppressed and afflicted,

yet he did not open his mouth;

he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,

and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,

so he did not open his mouth.

8 By oppression[a] and judgment he was taken away.

Yet who of his generation protested?

For he was cut off from the land of the living;

for the transgression of my people he was punished.[b]

9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,

and with the rich in his death,

though he had done no violence,

nor was any deceit in his mouth.

10 Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,

and though the Lord makes[c] his life an offering for sin,

he will see his offspring and prolong his days,

and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand.

11 After he has suffered,

he will see the light of life[d] and be satisfied[e];

by his knowledge[f] my righteous servant will justify many,

and he will bear their iniquities.

12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,[g]

and he will divide the spoils with the strong,[h]

because he poured out his life unto death,

and was numbered with the transgressors.

For he bore the sin of many,

and made intercession for the transgressors.

In Jesus name Amen.

I struggled a great deal in my life, with doing the right thing all the time. Sometimes I wished it was not bred in my DNA. It would lead to confusion, Anxiety, I would wonder what people thought of me and say about me, if I did the opposite. I could not live like that anymore I had to put myself first in my life, but alongside God. The Lord has become my salvation and when I stumble, it may take days or weeks but I pick myself up.

A friend once showed me these verses which taught me a great deal.

Isaiah 43: 5-7

Do not be afraid, for I am with you;

I will bring your children from the east

and gather you from the west.

6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’

and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’

Bring my sons from afar

and my daughters from the ends of the earth—

7 everyone who is called by my name,

whom I created for my glory,

whom I formed and made.”

In Jesus name Amen

I feel so encouraged when I see and hear God’s scripture, I feel as though God hears my prayers, lifting my worries from my shoulders. Sometime I am so overwhelmed by what goes on about me it is easy to fall away from God’s world, but I know better now. The only way now is with God.

!st Thess 5:16-18

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

This is another of the scripture I first learned, and it has become an important part of my life now. I have found it possible to pray continually and rejoice in God’s word, especially when things are not going well. Many times I wished I knew God before in my life, I did not know how to reach out, now I do. Jeremiah 33:3 “Call to me and I will answer you, I will show you the thing you do not know.” Mathew 7:7 “Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find…….A dear friend taught me that scripture.

There are many other scriptures that I have come to know, please add your favourite if you feel led to in the comments.

There are many truths in the Bible, the most important thing to know is the peace you feel when you are with God in prayer. When you are anxious take it to God, praise God for helping and give thanks. Sometime I feel a peace about me I don’t understand, like Friday when I came home from an appointment, I felt sure I would have been pacing the floor with anxiety, but I wasn’t, I was at peace with what I was doing. I know God has been with me. As I walk through the last of the demons in my life and deal with them finally.

Search your heart when you spend time with God, but first make sure your heart is empty. You maybe are restricting yourself from being near to God if you don’t. Seek and You will find him.

In Jesus name Amen

 

There is one who came for us

Call the Holy Spirit
“Come to my soul, Holy Spirit”
Fill my soul, with your presence
I feel an awe when I know You are near
Always as I breathe, Your Spirit
Your desire
To teach us all,
Your pleasure to show
The gentle flow of Your Spirit
Teaches us to grow
To those who believe
A comforter has come
The Holy Spirit
I am one
Who thought
There is other ways
Now I ask the God the Father
As I lay my troubles at the cross
Jesus shows me the way
With, Faith, Truth, Strength, Courage
There is no other God
There are powers, beyond the realm
Mighty powers we fight
Jesus rose on the third day
Fight of the power of the devil
Dear, Heavenly Father, I feel your Spirit
In the breath I breathe,
I worship You each day
My quiet time I dwell on You
While I wait for You to come
In Jesus name Amen
Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

For God is Love

A river flows through my body
I am a river
I have been lost in a river
Flowing from God’s sea
God mapped my course for me, through devious ways
I am a river, it’s mine to toil, yet I cannot change it
I try to keep the waters, free, flowing freely
The story of my river start where it ends
Winding
A whish of perfume gathers in the air
Healing from the grasses as my river passes
As I gather my daily course, and return to the source
Of my river that passes through my body
The current moves swiftly as I go
Tears from my river flow, returning to God’s sea
From which all rivers rise, gathering glistening stones and gems
I leap with Joy, as I follow my winding river
Over valley covered in flowers
I leave the valley, untouched
Not devastated, but comforted in my heart
For others to follow
Knowing that God planned my ways
And is standing near, I follow the path
Along my river
God left for me, bravely without fear
Love has sent me in search of God
For God is Love
In Jesus name..Amen
(c)bjsscribbles

Continually I have prayed

This is a personal post for me, but something I needed to do, to finish getting me over the line this week.

 

I need to do this study today, Forgiveness; forgiveness is eating at me this week. Continually I have prayed for forgiveness for those that have hurt me in my life, I once had a whole list then after praying destroyed it in the bin. I still continually pray for forgiveness, but when something goes wrong and it is not your fault it is hard to forgive at least it is for me.
But is you don’t forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your failing and shortcomings. Mark 11:25-26
Prayer is vital, the desire to pray for forgiveness, the desire to keep moving forward in life, in order to reach our goal of peace. Well it is for me, that is all my desire is, is to forgive and live in peace. I know we don’t always live in peace, in life we have to face what hurts us. None of us really enjoy taking responsibility for our own actions or problem areas in life. Believe me I have plenty, some I have pushed deep down, but by doing that it is not going to set me free.
I am preparing to do some work with my psychologist on forgiveness and deeper work into my subconscious. One special point at the moment is “Emphysema”, even though I had lung problems as a child, unfortunately I lived with a smoker for far too long. I have to be careful what I put up on my blog now. But as a baby boomer we lived and worked with people, also socialised with smoke, even if you were not a smoker.
The decision to forgive is very emotional, it is for me, I need to keep forgiving, over and over. Maybe some will write in the comments about their forgiveness journey. It is not an easy thing to do I know. With the support group I have around me, they guide me, my heart has softened a great deal, my heart was truly broken and my healing has taken a while. I keep reminding myself to be patient, and keep coming to God.
Treasured friends shared this quote with me from ““Job” For he will not dwell unduly on the days of his life, but God keeps him busy with the Joy in his heart.”
We learn more and more each day to depend on God; “I ask can we depend now on God to help us through life, by inviting him in every day?. It’s funny I was so strong and independent when I arrived in the valley, but I know now, I had to open my door and let God in. I was very self-reliant the walls thoroughly surrounded me. Setting down the walls of Jericho depending on the Holy Spirit I remind myself today I am ready to forgive in the name of Jesus.
Changing my heart has been one of the hardest things I have had to do towards people in my life that have hurt me. The point to remember for me is that no-one can truly hurt me anymore by putting my trust in God, even though they can hurt us, God is always there ready to heal us.
I know for myself, I have so many emotions built up inside from many years of abuse, they are gradually fading as I managed them better each year. With God’s continued help.
In Jesus name Amen
There are many prayers for forgiveness but I like this one.
Psalm51
A Prayer for Forgiveness
———————————–
1 Be merciful to me, O God,
because of your constant love.
Because of your great mercy
wipe away my sins!
2 Wash away all my evil
and make me clean from my sin!
3 I recognize my faults;
I am always conscious of my sins.
4 I have sinned against you—only against you—
and done what you consider evil.
So you are right in judging me;
you are justified in condemning me.
5 I have been evil from the day I was born;
from the time I was conceived, I have been sinful.
6 Sincerity and truth are what you require;
fill my mind with your wisdom.
7 Remove my sin, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear the sounds of joy and gladness;
and though you have crushed me and broken me,
I will be happy once again.
9 Close your eyes to my sins
and wipe out all my evil.
10 Create a pure heart in me, O God,
and put a new and loyal spirit in me.
11 Do not banish me from your presence;
do not take your holy spirit away from me.
12 Give me again the joy that comes from your salvation,
and make me willing to obey you.
13 Then I will teach sinners your commands,
and they will turn back to you.
14 Spare my life, O God, and save me,[b]
and I will gladly proclaim your righteousness.
15 Help me to speak, Lord,
and I will praise you.
16 You do not want sacrifices,
or I would offer them;
you are not pleased with burnt offerings.
17 My sacrifice is a humble spirit, O God;
you will not reject a humble and repentant heart.
18 O God, be kind to Zion and help her;
rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will be pleased with proper sacrifices
and with our burnt offerings;
and bulls will be sacrificed on your altar… Amen