A letter to myself

Taking time out from your life, working out where your life is going, what you’re achieving in life. I’ve had to do this recently, realizing where I am at and where I am headed.

It was a silent time, taking time out. The last few years had been so busy; I had not spent time on me.

Spending time on me, shedding of the past, had lifted a great deal of weight of my shoulders, treading on new ground had transformed me. It didn’t happen in a moment, or a split second, accepting different life circumstances has given me a new life.

It’s something we need to do; taking time out, enabling me to keep moving forward in my life.

I remember, I had a great deal of dreams in my life, goals, things I desired to achieve, and they failed. I could not formulated them, get down to the nuts and bolts of them, I couldn’t bring them into reality. The big dreams were dreams, but they never were accomplished, today I reflect on them and know why they were never accomplished. One big word for and that is “Life”, it is only a small word but it has a great deal of meaning. Today I am accomplishing a few of my dreams. Sorting out the untidy bits of my life has been a challenge.

I am excited about life, but I bought myself down to ground level, trying to understand what I have achieved, my efforts I put into each and every day. I know I still have mountains to climb.

At the moment, focusing on what is here and now is difficult, dreams are wonderful, but you have to focus on what is here and now. Focusing on today, I remind myself, will help in creating the end result.

It’s hard to do that, I get so excited now about life. My phycologist gave me a hug and told me, “Have a great life.”

Part of me, says there is a turmoil going on inside me, exploring a new found freedom in life. Can we ever get in our own way of life? I think we can on so many levels.

I know I have been, growing more each day, developing as an individual, understanding all that is a challenge. Discovering finally I am becoming a person that I was meant to be all those years ago. I have been trying to raise my standards, to keep moving forward. My life kept me out of practice for so many years.

By focusing on one thing at a time, will ease the pressure of new life.

I guess, this is a lesson I have to learn, I know there will be difficulties levelling my life. I am faced with new challenges and situations. I know it will lead me, somewhere else; I will grow further even better than before. Taking the steps I have taken in my life, I will need to discipline myself to remain focused.

The way I was before, just won’t cut it anymore, I have to grow, evolve. There is an idea I have on the table at the moment. By completing it, I know I will grow further.

 

Constantly improving my life will lead me to new heights.

This is going to take my energy, to get up this new mountain; I love to walk to climb mountains. I know I can achieve this, my heart and mind is focused on my next journey.

Each new morning is a new step, chipping away and I will achieve.

I am committed to every day.

When we untie the chains of the past we can achieve. With the amazing Grace of God.

 

©bjsscribbles

The original image God created in his eyes.

Do you remember when?
Someone told you something about yourself
Belonging only to itself
You realise later it was a lie about yourself
I remember so many lies that were told
They told you, that you do this or that wrong
You were this way or that way
Oh! how insignificant you were made feel
And for all different sorts or reasons
You might not even understand
When something happened it was your fault
Oh! how insignificant you were made feel
Your brain, so locked in, the process
Believing all the words
I walked about for years
Have you walked about for years?
Till help arrives, it mounts into an entire life
Believing in this lie, You were fed so long ago
You thought you were that way…
Turn around now and look at yourself
You’re not that way, believe in yourself
No one know you better than you know you
Look at the words that were said about you
Really look, question those words, and you will see
Look into your heart and you will see
You will remember there is a person inside you
I know I did
I found me
The memory of a loving, caring mother, a compassionate mother.
The story goes on
So have courage
Search and you will find you
The original image God created in his eyes.
I see me now, I’ve taken a step forward to be counted

(c)bjsscribbles

The demons

 

Planting Some New Seeds in my life, I’m not sure when they were planted, but deep down they must have been. For the latter years of my marriage I found myself wandering, in my mind. Where it was leading me I did not know.

For many hours I found myself walking trying to escape, wandering yet not lost. I wandered in an about the trees across many parks. Downtrodden for many years, I listened to many whispers, whispers within my mind. How to escape, the turmoil within, there was no-where to go. I had built a home a family, but it was all lost in a maze of Alcohol and abuse. Yet I still had no-where to go.

I kept asking myself how do I breathe, I was tired, tired of life, the more I tried to plan an escape, I kept getting talked into staying. I had focus for so long on what was going on. What I had built was lost, leading to my realization there was nothing left in my life for me. Is that wrong, a desire to find an individual inside a soul that was dying.

I just desired a breath of life. I can really see now how tired of living I was, I know if I had stayed I would not be  writing this.

The demons that sat deep within my soul, I have finally dealt with, the PTSD that would trigger if someone did something out of place. Something simple would upset my day. I wondered would I ever be free of my past. I know now I will live with them, but it would not upset me as bad now I have dealt with them, with my psychologist. For now they are quieted down, through sheer determination to be able to live free. They may rise again, but I know how to deal with them now.

I’ve struggled with my past and how much it has affected my life now, I’ve thought a lot about it. There topics that come up in different situations I shy away from, I don’t need that talk, I am healed. My life is mine now. Maybe there is still a little healing to do, that will happen in time.

The journey I have taken to healing has been mine, my past is mine, but now it is the past, my healing has happened in many different areas. Reclaiming my life has been a powerful experience. The healing has not been easy, but it was necessary.

I am not sure why I stayed so long, I know fear and no-where to go was one of the main reasons. The path I was on was not good. I was always hopping life and promises would turn our lives around. But the promises never came to fruition. Most women in my situation do stay out of fear and leave up to 9 times. I had no idea what I should be doing; I still had no-where to go.

The more I write, the struggle to get where I am today, has been so valuable, to help keeping me moving forward. Who I am today, is not who I was, when I walked away. The struggle helped me understand what it means when I look at myself today. It has been a painful process, peeling away the person I was and developing a new and refreshed person. Untying the chains of the past is always a challenge, I remember the first time I heard “Amazing Grace” after I walked into a church for the first time, I cried, buckets of tears.

I did not think I would be this free, in 6 short years, discovering the heart is pure joy, discovering God and feeling whole is so important.

©bjsscribbles

Not hiding the shame

Lately I have started walking in my life openly, talking more about the life I led before I came to the place I am at now. I don’t hide what happened in my life anymore, it is such a great feeling to live openly and honestly.

___________________________________________

 

 

We live a life
Sometimes not talking
Hiding the shame of life

Yet there comes a time
When we need to talk
Not hiding the shame
My shame covered me
Covered my life
I find now

It’s okay, to say, “I’m not Okay”
There are days when we can ask, “RU Okay”
Because in life sometimes, we are not really okay

Ever tried putting up a smile
Trying to convince everyone
You’re alright, it’s hard work

For years, I live my life like that
Hiding behind a smile, believing
Before achieving
When you are hurt
Really hurt emotionally
Or physically
You don’t have to hide
Or pretend

For a long time I hid my wounds
Till I found I was not alone
We all have wounds
After all we are individuals and human
To be real, and authentic
Is a challenge till we do
We will never heal

I pretended for so many years
My soul knew the truth
It knew I was hiding, lying
Healing came slowly, honestly
And with compassion
Love, forgiving, learning

Healing came as I walked into the dark side of my life
Not hiding, as I walked out of the dark and toward the light of God
I learned I was walking in the light, discover the light

(c)bjsscribbles

 

Not knowing & Learning

 

This minute I am thinking
When I arrived, I needed to stay open
I was shut of from the world so long
Now I never shut myself off, never close down
Keep the doors open to life
I had to learn

Depression closes doors
Open the doors and you will live
There will be times
When you will be wounded
You will suffer
There have been times
When I have stayed in bed all day
Hidden from the world

Today on the other side
With everything behind
The renewal of life is before me
Staying open to the world
Open your heart to the world

There is so many surprises
The world will invite you
Treat you, Teach you new ways
Shape you, let life in
And you will find
A world full of magic

With God at Your side

 

(C)bjsscribbles

Have you ever been lost?

The journey I have taken, lately I’ve had to do a great deal of thinking about my journey and where I’ve journeyed from and arriving to the destination where I am at now.

 
You are a brave soul
You are not lost
You are being found
Every step you take
Every movement you make
Every decision and every breath
Is part of the journey
The ups and downs
It’s all part of the journey
It’s part of the road we we are supposed to follow
I think, I’ve been entering, this space lately
Letting go of the old ways and doing things differently
I’m moving into a new story of my life
A journey of possibilities
A journey of adventure
Wild explosion
Lately I’ve been trying to understand
I can see it can go a couple of ways
The old ways are still there
The new ways are unknown
The illumination of the new ways are before me
I took the lighted path, followed the light
The want and yet doubt of everything I do or going through
You question whether or not it is the way
I struggled in so many ways
The truth is that sense of feeling free
The ability to go anywhere
The do things that are new to me
There are no ties, no restrictions

“This feeling of freedom, is new”
I’ve generated thoughts on paper
The desire to follow the path
I have set before me
I don’t know what it looks like
So many questions

Whatever is now on my heart
Whatever is on my mind
It’s right in front of me

Decisions making them
It was the part making me flounder
Times I didn’t wanted to make decisions
The amount of work, the time
The effort was daunting
I didn’r realise there was something important, near
The reward
The impact, positive vibrations
The heart tells me, “I can do this”
The heart, shows me my desires
I cannot enter the land of doubt again
I must continue to step right out into life
One step at a time, One decision at a time
The ripple of life will matter, I can make a difference
In life today.

(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

Trusting in God’s Salvation

I have a cup of warm soup beside me; it is cold and wet in South Australia. I look out of my window and find rain is doing my garden good. I’ve done the work settling myself, now all I wish to do is sit and look at my garden without the work, but there are no shortcuts in life.  Even when you say, “I’ve done enough in my life.”

 

“I want that look,” I said wistfully to myself, “without all the work.” My friends have big gardens when I visit I am able to enjoy without the work. The last few years have been a great deal of work, getting my life on track.

I have done a great deal of work this year, discovering the ability to enjoy shortcuts, when it is practical. In 2016 I was given the okay to stop seeing my psychologist, but I discovered earlier this year 2017 it was too soon to stop. I had a PTSD attack of the worst kind. I felt dead on the inside and was vomiting. I wanted the greatness of life without finishing the work I started; there were risks involved by taking my journey another step further. I was pleasing God and giving him the rewards for my healing, but I soon discovered I had to take the next step.  The next step was the power of “Imagery” in psychology, in my experience it has been a powerful tool in healing. It has done wonders for me

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-imagery/

We desire to please God, but not when it inconveniences us.

In my walk with God I have come to learn there is no shortcuts, once I turned my life over to God, it was all or nothing. God pulled me up out of the gutter and saved my life. There is no turning my back on God now. My life has changed radically.

A friend once told me, “God will repay what was stolen from you”, I cannot remember the exact words. By turning my faith to Jesus, the first day I walked into a church not so long ago. To be honest, I could not remember when I was last in a church, now-a-days it is every weekend. But it all has been so worth it. God has not given up on me; I live a joyful life, a peaceful life now, walking with God each day

It has not been easy turning my life to God, but it is so worth it.

Psalm 130:4 But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can …

But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you. …

But you offer forgiveness, that we might learn to fear you. …

Luke 1:77 to give his people the knowledge of salvation through …

to give his people the knowledge of salvation through the forgiveness of their sins …

Daniel 5:17 Then Daniel answered the king, “You may keep your …

Then Daniel answered the king, “You may keep your gifts for yourself and

give your rewards to someone else. Nevertheless, I will …

 

Daniel 2:6 But if you tell me the dream and explain it, you will …

But if you tell me the dream and explain it, you will receive from me gifts

and rewards and great honor. So tell me the dream and …

 

1 Samuel 26:23 The LORD rewards everyone for their righteousness …

The LORD rewards everyone for their righteousness and faithfulness. The … The

LORD rewards each man for his integrity and loyalty. Even …

 

Isaiah 1:23 Your rulers are rebels, partners with thieves; they …

… Your rulers are rebels And companions of thieves; Everyone loves a bribe

And chases after rewards. They do not defend the orphan …

(c)bjsscribbles