The demons

 

Planting Some New Seeds in my life, I’m not sure when they were planted, but deep down they must have been. For the latter years of my marriage I found myself wandering, in my mind. Where it was leading me I did not know.

For many hours I found myself walking trying to escape, wandering yet not lost. I wandered in an about the trees across many parks. Downtrodden for many years, I listened to many whispers, whispers within my mind. How to escape, the turmoil within, there was no-where to go. I had built a home a family, but it was all lost in a maze of Alcohol and abuse. Yet I still had no-where to go.

I kept asking myself how do I breathe, I was tired, tired of life, the more I tried to plan an escape, I kept getting talked into staying. I had focus for so long on what was going on. What I had built was lost, leading to my realization there was nothing left in my life for me. Is that wrong, a desire to find an individual inside a soul that was dying.

I just desired a breath of life. I can really see now how tired of living I was, I know if I had stayed I would not be  writing this.

The demons that sat deep within my soul, I have finally dealt with, the PTSD that would trigger if someone did something out of place. Something simple would upset my day. I wondered would I ever be free of my past. I know now I will live with them, but it would not upset me as bad now I have dealt with them, with my psychologist. For now they are quieted down, through sheer determination to be able to live free. They may rise again, but I know how to deal with them now.

I’ve struggled with my past and how much it has affected my life now, I’ve thought a lot about it. There topics that come up in different situations I shy away from, I don’t need that talk, I am healed. My life is mine now. Maybe there is still a little healing to do, that will happen in time.

The journey I have taken to healing has been mine, my past is mine, but now it is the past, my healing has happened in many different areas. Reclaiming my life has been a powerful experience. The healing has not been easy, but it was necessary.

I am not sure why I stayed so long, I know fear and no-where to go was one of the main reasons. The path I was on was not good. I was always hopping life and promises would turn our lives around. But the promises never came to fruition. Most women in my situation do stay out of fear and leave up to 9 times. I had no idea what I should be doing; I still had no-where to go.

The more I write, the struggle to get where I am today, has been so valuable, to help keeping me moving forward. Who I am today, is not who I was, when I walked away. The struggle helped me understand what it means when I look at myself today. It has been a painful process, peeling away the person I was and developing a new and refreshed person. Untying the chains of the past is always a challenge, I remember the first time I heard “Amazing Grace” after I walked into a church for the first time, I cried, buckets of tears.

I did not think I would be this free, in 6 short years, discovering the heart is pure joy, discovering God and feeling whole is so important.

©bjsscribbles

Not knowing & Learning

 

This minute I am thinking
When I arrived, I needed to stay open
I was shut of from the world so long
Now I never shut myself off, never close down
Keep the doors open to life
I had to learn

Depression closes doors
Open the doors and you will live
There will be times
When you will be wounded
You will suffer
There have been times
When I have stayed in bed all day
Hidden from the world

Today on the other side
With everything behind
The renewal of life is before me
Staying open to the world
Open your heart to the world

There is so many surprises
The world will invite you
Treat you, Teach you new ways
Shape you, let life in
And you will find
A world full of magic

With God at Your side

 

(C)bjsscribbles

Have you ever been lost?

The journey I have taken, lately I’ve had to do a great deal of thinking about my journey and where I’ve journeyed from and arriving to the destination where I am at now.

 
You are a brave soul
You are not lost
You are being found
Every step you take
Every movement you make
Every decision and every breath
Is part of the journey
The ups and downs
It’s all part of the journey
It’s part of the road we we are supposed to follow
I think, I’ve been entering, this space lately
Letting go of the old ways and doing things differently
I’m moving into a new story of my life
A journey of possibilities
A journey of adventure
Wild explosion
Lately I’ve been trying to understand
I can see it can go a couple of ways
The old ways are still there
The new ways are unknown
The illumination of the new ways are before me
I took the lighted path, followed the light
The want and yet doubt of everything I do or going through
You question whether or not it is the way
I struggled in so many ways
The truth is that sense of feeling free
The ability to go anywhere
The do things that are new to me
There are no ties, no restrictions

“This feeling of freedom, is new”
I’ve generated thoughts on paper
The desire to follow the path
I have set before me
I don’t know what it looks like
So many questions

Whatever is now on my heart
Whatever is on my mind
It’s right in front of me

Decisions making them
It was the part making me flounder
Times I didn’t wanted to make decisions
The amount of work, the time
The effort was daunting
I didn’r realise there was something important, near
The reward
The impact, positive vibrations
The heart tells me, “I can do this”
The heart, shows me my desires
I cannot enter the land of doubt again
I must continue to step right out into life
One step at a time, One decision at a time
The ripple of life will matter, I can make a difference
In life today.

(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

Gentle whispers of God

Gentle whispers echo
Listen for those soft whispers
Hear the beat within your soul
Telling you, listen silently
For the direction of your heart
Which way will you go

Clear your mind
Of all the stories
Blocking your way
The light is shinning on your path
Feel your heart gently
Feel free

Feel with your fingers
Run, with your fingers
Feel the pull
Don’t deviate
Beware of the distraction

Dedicate yourself
Dedicate.
One step at a time.
But there is a choice.

What we see
Our mind, has moved our heart
So we give ourselves time
To dig, to search

Sometimes we continue to dig
But it is in the same place
You keep digging, searching
It doesn’t work

Life becomes clearer
When they do it is exciting
Life becomes interesting again
There is no doubt in your mind
This is the path, the path to reality
Life is not “That will do”
There is a path to follow for you and I

Gentle whispers of God
Listen for those soft whispers
Hear the beat within your soul
Telling you, listen silently
For the direction of your heart
Which way will you go
Follow the gentle whispers of God

He is the wind, He is the air we breathe
He will lead you to your Path

(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

Trying to understand my life choices

Please forgive me for rambling, I am trying to get my head around the new me after a long time not knowing me at all.

There are some choices I have had to make in my life that I am not proud of, there are choices and different choices all have helped me along the way to learn and grow.

Great mistakes evolve when fear holds you tight. What was happening in my life gripped me with fear and anxiety. Over time decisions were made for me,  I did a lot of things in my life out of fear. I started to realise the choices I made in my life, and the need to make  changes in my life

My reactions came out of fear, to I look at my life and realise, doubt, self-doubt, worry, stress are all reactions that cause health problems. Today there are many health problems caused out of a life-time of stress.

When stress, anxiety takes hold of your body, everything engulfs you like a war going on in your mind. I wondered now what life would have been like without stress or worry, choices I made in life would’ve come out of love instead of worrying if those footsteps were your children or someone you feared.

Life has changed for me, I still struggle, when old patterns of life appear from out of no-where, my heart skips a beat and I am lost. I’ve panicked, I am the first to admit it, my PTSD has triggered. The centre of peace I created has been lost every time, I get angry with myself. That is the most annoying part, I don’t want to get angry anymore. I just desire to come back to the new me that I am getting used to and make my own decisions.

Today my heart is open more, I’ll always learn there is something else I can do; I can mend whatever is broken. There is no shortage of tough moments in life.  I am continually challenged facing tough moments set before me. Life is a journey we face so many ups and downs, I am discovering a deeper sense of myself. Along the road of my journey, that has been hard and revealing in many ways. Discovering you is an experience. That is one thing I have trouble getting my head around. Sometimes I see the old ways creeping in, I have to remind myself and give myself time.

I’ve been healing all these months, I remind myself, I am alive and not living in darkness, fear. Those years of fear are now gone. I’ve been doing the work, which I needed to do. I’ve created a healthy life now. I used to jump at any sudden noise, cry at the drop of a hat, wonder who was walking up behind me. Images of a life of fear are now gone. We all have a right to make the choice to walk away from fear, violence, and live in peace.

I am very aware of my life and choices I have made to rebuild, I tried to have the perfect life a hundred years ago, as I describe my life now. I would punish myself severely trying to be perfect. I thought it was meant to be. That idea has now going out the window. I know now I will make mistakes.  I understand and know there will be times when I don’t handle situations and struggle to make the right choices. I am not going to ruin myself anymore by becoming someone else other than who I am. The judge inside me is very hard on me,

.

Planting the seeds of life now is very precious to me; life is not about perfection, or putting on the perfect mask of life. Oh! How that shone before, the mask of a perfect marriage, There were so many deep hidden secrets. I have a deeper understanding of myself now. Over this year I have let go of so many things, I had to, to live.

The past, tries to creep into the future, many times, now I keep walking creating a space between me and the past. I don’t need to turn around anymore and see the past. I have looked back, I’ll be honest sometimes in the real early days it would have been easier to go back than to face the future. I’ve made bad decisions, when I have been in a confused state of mind. Sometimes I thought the future was a mirage, it would never happen, now I have arrived in the future and making a life.

I tortured myself for so many years, but those days are now gone, I am living in the here and now, making the very best of my life. I’m not perfect, I will make mistakes, maybe I will hurt people, but I’m not hurting myself anymore. I will do everything possible to do everything right, because I care about my choices today and always..

(c)bjsscribbles

 

I woke up yesterday

I woke up yesterday as I do each morning now, reaching for the kettle to make a cup of coffee. I thought to myself, “I am the best; I’ve been in a long time.”

There was a path to travel, laid out before me many years ago, I didn’t know it then as I do now. Now it is the time to travel the next path, I don’t know where it will lead, but I do know it is there. Experiencing freedom within one’s self is amazing as you walk with God close by. There is no sense of panic now, or any missing pieces, it is just clarity for the first time in my life.

When I left my home in Adelaide a short while ago, there was so many stories built up in my life, a very personal story. Why I was doing so much, and what my life meant to me. Truth is so important and incredibly valuable. A great deal of my life will stay very close to my heart.

However as the years have now gathered around me, I have carried on in my life, so many thing have changed. I’ve experienced many different things, and they have changed me. Settling where I have has slowly changed my heart, appreciating the smaller things, more importantly, settling into truly enjoying my own company, without trying to get to be somewhere else in life’s journey. I am home now.

I have traveled this great land Australia, listened to music, walked the many beaches of Australia. Now I realise there has been many happy moments in my life, with those special to me. Exploring the desert of Australia with my dogs, watching them frolic and play. Life is good

I lived, my life and have experienced much more in life than I ever thought I would, now I am living more than ever before. My experiences have served me well, now I am in contact with life and what is happening, my life has not been full of glamour, I’ve worked through the many rough patches. But most of all my life has given me clarity. My life path is now glowing so much clearer.

I am now walking the path and doing things I need to do. For this first time in my life I know what is right for me. I am committed to myself, making every effort to what is right. I have a chance now to live and I am taking it. When this year started I never expected the events to unfold the way they have, but life has now shaped me and helped me understand who I am. No matter what challenges may come my way, I can do this.

My journey is not over it is just changing, the season of life, I am now prepared for. Thoughts and doubts that surrounded me have gone. It taught me through space and time what truly mattered to me and I wouldn’t change my walk for the entire world.

I fit in now, all there is to do is to follow the path every single day God has set out for me

 

It’s time now for me to evolve, my story of life is engulf in my blog, it’s just a story in prose. The way life now has changed me, or how I see life. It doesn’t me it’s the way it is going to be. Over a short time I have changed, my words have changed me. I was tired depressed, oppressed, full of anxiety, I did not want to be that person anymore.

I was on a path to destruction, too frightened to speak, I could barely put too words together. I knew if I didn’t change, I would never change. I would not be alive now.

 

My blog has been a process of change, I have healed through the power of God, I have grieved for what I lost, I have moved on. Day by day, through my actions, through my changes, I am now living in the future. I don’t know where it is going to lead me, only God knows that, I don’t really wish to know.

Have you ever chosen something and wondered why? It is exactly what I have done in my life, God knew I would turn to him. I achieved life.

We can changed our lives and live, no-matter which way we go about it all. Life will not be perfect, but the future depends on today. The seeds of life were planted for me by a now good friend, helping me now to love and enjoy life today.

You can find your life. I did.

 

(c)bjscribbles