Being the creator of your life

Living my promises I made to myself, deep within my mind I buried them. Not wanting to go back to my promises. Deep within the forest covered in fog, year after year I desired to complete a simple challenge. So many unexpected challenges of life seemed to get in the way.

The storms of life came all so often, in those days my roots were not strong enough to hold on. As the storm brewed, a wind blew; I was pulled in so many directions, confusing my mind. My grounding, my morals, I was taught to be where I was no matter what happened. When the winds, thunder storms of life, blew, the storms of life refused to move.

Someone said, “Why not go over the writing you have done?” I have been thinking lately about the words, which have been written. Many words helping sort out my mind, those words are still there but are not appropriate anymore as I have moved forward. I realise how much, I have moved on and keeping the strength to keep doing so. Sometimes everyone needs to do so and I’ve done so lately. I am now the creator of my life and what it becomes.

Becoming the creator of the days of one’s life is something special. I do what I want now, when I want; I can just sit and dream if I wish. Oh! It is a pleasure. I am proud of my choices, the sense of freedom in life.

I’ve been seeking many answers to life, wondering which way to turn at times, these have been some of the greatest experiences. I’ve asked so many questions, as I walk the hills of the Barossa. The questions of life that come from the heart of my soul with God walking beside me..

I know I am home now; I am at peace with my destiny

Over the past few years I’ve been cleaning, casting out, the mess created in the past. The protective coating we hang onto unnecessarily.  A life times of stories being told, how to act, and all the words that were forced down my throat. Getting me to conform to ways of old, cover ups of life. It has taken me most of my life to have my eyes opened and to shed these parts of my life. I can now spend the last part of my life being me and walking the path that God has set out for me. Day by day I discover new feelings deep within my heart.

At times, I’ve had to rehash parts of my life seeking to get through to the other side of healing. I have achieved healing, but with sheer determination to get through to the other side. Without the healing of God and those that care I would not be where I am today. I would still be the person I was 6yrs ago.

 

My writing has been my therapy and those words, sharing has saved my life along with Salvation from God.

©bjsscribbles

 

 

 

 

 

 

The path to peace, can be simple

So many questions
Questions rattled my mind
Largely remained unanswered
I’ve been holding onto life
Till I realised it’s time to change

I’ve had glimpses of life
Leading to the way ahead
God has shown me small steps
Stepping stones to a world
Illuminated right in front of me
A sense of life in the big picture
Pieces still yet to be filled in
Yet leading me to what I needed to do and needed to let go of
I prayed and prayed earnestly, God showed me
How! the brain fog was lifted
It was so easy, to gain peace

The path to peace,
Can be simple if we let it
I felt as though
I was traveling along the path
But didn’t really know it
I just really needed to
Believe in myself
God was showing me a lesson in life

I wandered in a blur
For so many years, then,
There had been a silence that had fallen
Leaving enough space, to show me
Letting go, learn to let go, echoed
Where do I go next?
There are still parts of my life
I need to step back from

 

And so I am
I wont say it is easy
There are moments
When I fall into the old
Then turn commit to right choice
Again and again
Not looking back

 

.(c)bjsscribbles

 

Tomorrow, life is but an adventure

There have been a few challenging, situations in my life lately. I’ve been working through them with help. There are times when I cannot believe how far I have traveled, how writing helps you see the many challenges of life.

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The time in our life
All the things I’ve done, and how it’s been
I think about living, my mind, believing in my life
I know now, God was waiting for me
The sun shines each day,
I’ve been lucky, God has given me the gift of life
A second chance in life
A chance to talk of my writing, my life
God’s gift of prayer and all the things we believe
This time in my life how great it is to have memories
And dreams to share, today and tomorrow

So many days pass now, Oh! how quickly they pass
Time whispers around me, in the depth of winter

Moving quickly through Spring and Summer
The timely changes of life frighten me, but I still smile
Each day I grow a little older, maybe wiser, I hope
My life has been good to me, I feel there is more yet for me to do
With God at my side, so many things my mind has never known
Tomorrow, life is but an adventure

Finding life where I have, it’s been a good life here
God gave me a second chance at life, to hang around a little longer
Sit among the stars, watching a falling star
A chance to talk of my writing, my life
God’s gift of prayer and all the things we believe
This time in my life how great it is to have memories
And dreams to share, today and tomorrow is but an adventure
(c)bjsscribbles

 

Moving closer to God

After living for so many years as an oppressed person, change was difficult for me. As I started to grow as an individual making decisions for myself, enjoying life for the first time in decades. I have felt deeply about the sudden changes in my life. My feelings have been that of joy and happiness, sometimes sadness because I have had to stand on my own and make decisions that are for the rest of my life. The changes in life situations have been for the better, it doesn’t mean it has been easy. Lately feelings rose again, I am growing within myself, yet people find it hard to accept I have changed. People I have known all my life.
As I grow more there is a deep shift away from a former way of life, towards a life of confidence.
I’ve been doing a great deal of reading lately with the help of my psychologist about assertiveness, plus when you are under assertion. That was me for decades, never expressing my feelings; my feelings were curtailed by everyone around me. My needs and opinions were placed as second to others. My rights to communicate were not met. I often ended up doing what others wanted not what I wanted or needed in my life. Emotionally, unassertiveness eroded my self-esteem. I have criticized myself for not being able to speak for myself over the decades, but when you were controlled for so much of your life; it takes a long time to get to the stage where your voice is heard. There was so much anger, bitterness, resentment, disappointment bottle up for decades. Such feelings were imploding inside my body causing panic an anxiety that I did not know how to control. I can see now where being unassertive has affected my life. I really do know there is another way of life. The shift inside me is for the better.
Many things inside me have been excited, and there is a lot more to come, as I clear out old feelings. Motoring around my feeling of panic an anxiety is pretty heart and soul wrenching, I do have some good memories of my life. I need to place to memories in a box, and bring them out only when I need. It has also made me think lately about looking after my wellbeing.
I spent a lot of time as the peace maker, sacrificing myself, giving in to mend situations. Placing myself in peril. I am not the only one in life that has had to do that in the world. Deep in my heart, I knew, I finally had to let go and walk away for many reasons. My world was broken. Leading me now to walk with God, there have been a few situations this year where I have huddled in a corner frightened to come out, I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t help it.
We are coming to the last few months of the year, I have wondered where it has all gone, and for the most part it has been a healing year. I am very reflective of my journey; it has been a long road. Soon it will be my 65th year and I reflect on my journey more. There have been so many things that happened in just a few short years. I do not know what is coming up for me down the line. I’ve seen a great deal of the old ways of life disappear and new ways evolve more. My standards of life have grown
My walls were up, hardening myself, building that boundary not letting anyone in for so many years. Slowly it has come down softening my heart. When I was first on my own, I didn’t wish to have anyone have that power over me anymore, I didn’t let anyone in. I lost, but soon realized it is a new life. I admit I made mistakes, I am far from perfect, and my morals are true to God and myself. Life is going to be good. As I heal further.

(c)bjsscribbles

2 Corinthians 5:11-21

11 Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are made manifest unto God; and I trust also are made manifest in your consciences.

12 For we commend not ourselves again unto you, but give you occasion to glory on our behalf, that ye may have somewhat to answer them which glory in appearance, and not in heart.

13 For whether we be beside ourselves, it is to God: or whether we be sober, it is for your cause.

14 For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead:

15 And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.

16 Wherefore henceforth know we no man after the flesh: yea, though we have known Christ after the flesh, yet now henceforth know we him no more.

17 Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

18 And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation;

19 To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation.

20 Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ’s stead, be ye reconciled to God.

21 For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.

Who I am

I’ve been thinking today
How shattered my heart has been
I close my eyes
Thinking about the words
Words, I have written

Thousands of words have flowed

Building a new heart

I’ve explored so many caverns in my heart
Finding a deeper understanding of my life
Who I am
It’s been far from perfect
Some many years of tears
There is a view from a hill nearby
A cross stands on the hill
As I sit on the rail thinking
I am content now, with God in my life

The demons of life scared me for so many years
Crushed my self-esteem, a lifetime of self-esteem
Flushed, till now, scars are fading fast

So many stories of life, so many memories
Memories of times, now past
Yet I’ve stood up and faced life
My defeats speak to me, from time to time
Scars now fading, forgiving, yet do we forget

Confusion ruled my mind
The darkness of life ruled my life
My mind, ruled my world
There was a time, I was ready to quit
God pulled me back out of the darkness

The love of life now, rules the heart
People picked me up, sharing new memories
The person I am now, these people built me up
I am proud of who I have become
I know I am still on a journey
I am far different now
And that’s a miracle
God showed me there is love
Love has won…In Jesus name Amen
(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

Stay with me Lord, you are my night and day

Be still, by the river
Sit quietly, knowing the river keeps rolling
Be still, your life keeps flowing
My soul, follows, only you know
I call on my dreams, till tomorrow comes
I know my love has known sorrow
My soul, follows, only you know

We’ll find a way, be still and listen
Stay with me Lord, you are my night and day
As the dawn rises beyond the sky
Be still and listen as the birds fly
My soul, follows, only you know

Knowing the river keeps rolling
Your life keeps flowing
Be still, Sit quietly, listening
Stay with me Lord, you are my night and day
My soul, follows, only you know

(c)bjsscribbles

The many who showed me the way

 

 

Try closing our eyes, “How do we see our future?” I have not looked into my future now for some time. I know God is walking with me.  When I close my eyes all I wish to do is rest now. I know that sound old school, but that is when I seem to find peace.
My imagination takes me on a ride when I am wake. I see things, and feel things and let my imagination run wild during the day. Things will happen as I act upon them
Each and every step has taken me to this point in my life, there are times when I thought I would not make it. My thoughts my actions, the good and the bad. Everything I have generated has come from many who showed me the way, and how my life could be. I don’t know where God is going to lead me, I know the last few years had their good and bad points, but the next can be better. Many questions about life have rooted themselves in my mind, some questions impossible to answer. Patience and moments clarity have shown me what I am looking for, these moments have come in small pieces of reality. I have been reconnecting with people, I haven’t seen in many years. My desire to dream the bigger picture of life.
I had dreams before but they were always shot down in flames, broken promises. I wasn’t myself, but now I am all in doing my own things without being dependent on others and that is the most awesome feeling in life that could happen to me. I was one of those that, being oppressed in life, my life was falling away before I was ready to let it.
I had to reconnect with myself before I could let others into my life. It was almost like growing pain, we all remember those, how painful they were. These past handful of years have been amazing, growing, living, challenging. I have written, of the challenges, it’s not easy re-building. The difficulty has been a gift from God, to grow from adversity, forging stronger ties with God, and the people around me. There was part of me that drifted, floating.
Depression, came close many times, life stopped still, it was frustrating, yet there was a deeper connection closer now. Sending me to God and deeper in prayer. Life came again, and I charged forward with a sense of purpose, stronger than I ever experienced before. Solidifying my faith. There have been continued challenges, moments when I relapse into the old ways. Times of deeper connection, with this wiser self, has bought me to a much better place in life. The gift of life.
The way I am heading I know there is the heart of God there, continuing on a path I know is true.
This is how I see myself now, not perfect. God has washed away the sins of the past, so now life can be a pure as cotton wool.

(c)bjsscribbles
Isaiah 1

18 Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.

God’s deep voice

Lately I have needed to hear God’s voice immensely, suddenly life arrived again. Stress coveted my body again. I needed time to release and hear God’s voice. Maybe during that time I forgot prayer for awhile, sometimes the old ways creep in. Leaving that door open for the devil to creep in. Reminding me to keep in the word of God.

The seas have followed me
by slow shores, through
All the years
Lifting my heart
Beckoning

My heart now in song
My tears heard the song
My tears now quenched
Reasoning in nature
Existing

Hands laid upon my head
Whispers and sorrows led away
Ghastly shadows creep in
And in certain order
Choke my voice
I hear a voice
Perhaps Gods, deep voice is calling
Restored by gentle fingers
Placed upon my head

I cling to his fingers
Large dramatic fingers
But not forever
Through the waves of the seas that followed me
The seas will raise my song again

God’s deep voice calling

(c)bjsscribbles

If only

 

My changing face of life came late in life, but my life is still a work in progress. My face has not changed but the mask that I wore for so many years has changed.

 

Would life be so much simpler if we could lift that mask early in life? For some of us it just doesn’t happen till we are ready.

I was so uncomfortable, trying to be someone, I wasn’t. I wore the mask of someone in pain during my life for a long time. Wearing that face, I became someone so alone unable, to connect fully with people. I don’t know fully how it all happened, I do really, and it was from a time when I was so oppressed in life. For far too many years, I was insignificant. I still get nervous in crowds but life is getting easier. I try to play down my achievements for some reason. I am not sure, I think it was because my Dad was such a humble person. I am now starting to show the world what I have achieved even in my writing.

 

You can come out the other side, but still I am apprehensive about what scares me.

 

I faced so many fears as I worked with my psychologist; I have developed more courage, more strength in the past few months. I actually partly have been running on adrenaline with some of the things I have been doing. I am amazed what I am capable of. I think as I face new challenges in life, the fear has given me strength to keep moving forward.

I think of some of the things I achieved since I have been on my own, I have done out of fear. I traveled Australia. I did it on my own. There was a great deal of people out there doing the same as me; few were single women with a couple of dogs. Settling in a strange town on my own, facing barrages of questions, “Who are you?” everyone desiring to know who this strange person was with two dogs. “Where are you from?” what drove you to this place? There were so many questions I didn’t wish to answer, but slowly I did.

 

I am not in the same place; I challenge myself now to different answers. I am a different person now.

I feel I am on top of the mountain now. It’s been a slow climb, but I made it.

I had this moment up on the top of the mountain that is hard to explain. A deep feeling of emotion lately. Being able to breathe, without panic.

When I journey now, where ever I journey, I look up into the sky, “I have arrived, thank you for giving me life” I am going to keep doing, what I am doing, journeying outside my comfort zone. To challenge myself, body and mind, to be stronger each day than I ever was in life.

Finding you, myself, I have developed different beliefs; I attempt things I have never done before in my life. Not settling for mediocrity.

Facing what is thrown at you in life is hard work, learning to face yourself every day, challenging yourself to try and do things you have never done before. This is hard. At first, I found it very easy to stay huddled up, wallowing in self-pity, it seemed the easy way out. Then I found I, had to get out there and live, not being walked on by everyone else.  Climbing those mountains life challenges, I had to take those challenges on to see what happens. Why not give a mountain challenge with God on your side and see what happens.

The mountains, the challenges I have faced will stay with me for a long time. It signifies special moments in my life. Taking down the mask of life and putting myself to the test of life.

Writing my blog has enabled me to see how far I have traveled, how much I have faced in my journey.

Everyone has faced mountains in their life, when we do we take the experience with us and grow building us up, instead of bringing us down. The mask of life only comes off when we go outside our self and journey beyond our comfort zone.

My scenes of my life I have created help me make decisions to tear down the many masks I wore and face my fears.

 

How many mountains have you climbed? Can you repeal the many masks of life?

(c)bjsscribbles

 

Not hiding the shame

Lately I have started walking in my life openly, talking more about the life I led before I came to the place I am at now. I don’t hide what happened in my life anymore, it is such a great feeling to live openly and honestly.

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We live a life
Sometimes not talking
Hiding the shame of life

Yet there comes a time
When we need to talk
Not hiding the shame
My shame covered me
Covered my life
I find now

It’s okay, to say, “I’m not Okay”
There are days when we can ask, “RU Okay”
Because in life sometimes, we are not really okay

Ever tried putting up a smile
Trying to convince everyone
You’re alright, it’s hard work

For years, I live my life like that
Hiding behind a smile, believing
Before achieving
When you are hurt
Really hurt emotionally
Or physically
You don’t have to hide
Or pretend

For a long time I hid my wounds
Till I found I was not alone
We all have wounds
After all we are individuals and human
To be real, and authentic
Is a challenge till we do
We will never heal

I pretended for so many years
My soul knew the truth
It knew I was hiding, lying
Healing came slowly, honestly
And with compassion
Love, forgiving, learning

Healing came as I walked into the dark side of my life
Not hiding, as I walked out of the dark and toward the light of God
I learned I was walking in the light, discover the light

(c)bjsscribbles