There is a stillness in the air.

I found my deep sense of truth when I settled in a sleepy valley; I walked the ridges, hills, which bring a swift chill on a spring morning as you walk. Spending time here on my own, I held onto so many questions, I’ve needed answers for so many years. Interestingly while I know it would be beneficial to have answers, I didn’t know how hard it would be to reflect on the answers.

There is something about wandering, the trails of a sleepy valley, it brings out the joy, the spirit of God flows in my heart when I walk. There is a stillness that makes me delve into a deeper level of conversation with God. There is nothing between me and God to disturb our conversation, no outside influences. Just me, the fresh air how great the feeling.

Life becomes so much clearer as I walk; constant chatter from white noise disappears. It’s just me being me; no mask is needed as I walk. It just you or me walking, it can be challenging. During good and bad days, when I’m down walking is hard.

A liberating as walking is, there is always work to do. I see a path as I walk, I wonder where it will lead or if I was meant to travel this path. So many things I let go of as I walk. Disappointments, achievements, yet I create my life. Sometimes opportunities I see for a quick moment, God’s vision for me.

Now as each day rolls into one sometimes, I realise it’s the way life has always been. There’s no more to add or anything else to take away, or to place in a box closing the lid and forgetting that part of life happened. As hard as it is to let go of annoying habits, that have haunted me for many years. Today there are still possibilities. Now life is revealed, and everything has a clear intention.

Many things will change for me over the next few months and into the New Year. I have discovered a new world with God. I know I’m not done yet, there is so much more life ahead of me, I’ve had a taste of life and new experiences

Many things are going to change over this year. Last year with all of my traveling represented a opportunity for discovering the world. I know I’m not done yet but I’ve had a great taste of what that experience is like. My world has changed.

(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

 

 

If only

 

My changing face of life came late in life, but my life is still a work in progress. My face has not changed but the mask that I wore for so many years has changed.

 

Would life be so much simpler if we could lift that mask early in life? For some of us it just doesn’t happen till we are ready.

I was so uncomfortable, trying to be someone, I wasn’t. I wore the mask of someone in pain during my life for a long time. Wearing that face, I became someone so alone unable, to connect fully with people. I don’t know fully how it all happened, I do really, and it was from a time when I was so oppressed in life. For far too many years, I was insignificant. I still get nervous in crowds but life is getting easier. I try to play down my achievements for some reason. I am not sure, I think it was because my Dad was such a humble person. I am now starting to show the world what I have achieved even in my writing.

 

You can come out the other side, but still I am apprehensive about what scares me.

 

I faced so many fears as I worked with my psychologist; I have developed more courage, more strength in the past few months. I actually partly have been running on adrenaline with some of the things I have been doing. I am amazed what I am capable of. I think as I face new challenges in life, the fear has given me strength to keep moving forward.

I think of some of the things I achieved since I have been on my own, I have done out of fear. I traveled Australia. I did it on my own. There was a great deal of people out there doing the same as me; few were single women with a couple of dogs. Settling in a strange town on my own, facing barrages of questions, “Who are you?” everyone desiring to know who this strange person was with two dogs. “Where are you from?” what drove you to this place? There were so many questions I didn’t wish to answer, but slowly I did.

 

I am not in the same place; I challenge myself now to different answers. I am a different person now.

I feel I am on top of the mountain now. It’s been a slow climb, but I made it.

I had this moment up on the top of the mountain that is hard to explain. A deep feeling of emotion lately. Being able to breathe, without panic.

When I journey now, where ever I journey, I look up into the sky, “I have arrived, thank you for giving me life” I am going to keep doing, what I am doing, journeying outside my comfort zone. To challenge myself, body and mind, to be stronger each day than I ever was in life.

Finding you, myself, I have developed different beliefs; I attempt things I have never done before in my life. Not settling for mediocrity.

Facing what is thrown at you in life is hard work, learning to face yourself every day, challenging yourself to try and do things you have never done before. This is hard. At first, I found it very easy to stay huddled up, wallowing in self-pity, it seemed the easy way out. Then I found I, had to get out there and live, not being walked on by everyone else.  Climbing those mountains life challenges, I had to take those challenges on to see what happens. Why not give a mountain challenge with God on your side and see what happens.

The mountains, the challenges I have faced will stay with me for a long time. It signifies special moments in my life. Taking down the mask of life and putting myself to the test of life.

Writing my blog has enabled me to see how far I have traveled, how much I have faced in my journey.

Everyone has faced mountains in their life, when we do we take the experience with us and grow building us up, instead of bringing us down. The mask of life only comes off when we go outside our self and journey beyond our comfort zone.

My scenes of my life I have created help me make decisions to tear down the many masks I wore and face my fears.

 

How many mountains have you climbed? Can you repeal the many masks of life?

(c)bjsscribbles

 

Building a better world

As we thrive
To the sights and sounds of all things living
We hope we are building a better world
But first we must improve as individuals

We must work together, for our own improvement
And at the same time, as part of the human race
Share the responsibility for all humanity

Our thoughts and duty being to those
In need of help, try to give aid to those
We can be most useful to

Each day as we walk out into the world
We try to help, and do well
But more importantly each day
Remember, go into the world
And offer a helping hand
Building a better world
For those still to come

(c)bjsscribbles

A life once lived

 was very hesitant about posting this, it is out of my vault that I have dusted of. I feel I can post this now in a different frame of mind. I actually think (no I know) God is leading me to post post it. My mind is healed and is continuing to be healed more each day, that is why I can post this. I prayed and thought about it now, its done. If it helps someone to know they can move on in life, then I will know that I have done something good.

Now that you are someone I used to know I can tell you,

I told myself you were right for me,

Now and then I think of when we were together,

I ached for your love,

I was happy just to be near you,

Never imagining a time would come,

When I could feel lonely in your company,

I still remember the early years,

Now and then,

Now that you are someone I used to know, I can tell you,

There was a sadness in my heart towards the end,

It was an addictive sadness about nothing,

I could see the end was near,

I found I could not make sense of my life,

I was glad when it was over,

Now and then you come back to me in my dreams,

Having me believe it was all my fault,

I shake myself, I want the dreams to go away,

I don’t wanna see those dreams anymore,

Your words, Your voice, come back to me,

Over and over, and make me shudder,

I just don’t wanna see those dreams anymore,

Now that you are someone I used to know,

Now that you are someone I used to know, I can tell you,

You cut me off every time I spoke,

Made out like arguments never happened,

We became a shadow of our past,

You treated me like a stranger in my house and that was rough,

You were two people, one sober gentle, one drunk angry,

You chose words that cut through my self being,

Your eyes were like glass each day of our lives

Now that you are someone I used to know, I can tell you,

I had to walk away, I did not trust the sober gentle one anymore,

There was an unspoken silence each day, nothing solved,

I did not want anything, I could not live the life no longer,

I just wanted my self respect,

Lost in addictive sadness for many years,

You wanted to be friends, I heard,

But I could not,

Now I can tell you, I live in a gentle world,

Fending for myself,

A simple life,

Just me and my dogs,

Solitude, just a few friends, learning to live again,

Where I spend my  nights and days with my dogs,

Now that you are someone I used to know, I have told you.

(c)bjsscribbles