Trying to understand my life choices

Please forgive me for rambling, I am trying to get my head around the new me after a long time not knowing me at all.

There are some choices I have had to make in my life that I am not proud of, there are choices and different choices all have helped me along the way to learn and grow.

Great mistakes evolve when fear holds you tight. What was happening in my life gripped me with fear and anxiety. Over time decisions were made for me,  I did a lot of things in my life out of fear. I started to realise the choices I made in my life, and the need to make  changes in my life

My reactions came out of fear, to I look at my life and realise, doubt, self-doubt, worry, stress are all reactions that cause health problems. Today there are many health problems caused out of a life-time of stress.

When stress, anxiety takes hold of your body, everything engulfs you like a war going on in your mind. I wondered now what life would have been like without stress or worry, choices I made in life would’ve come out of love instead of worrying if those footsteps were your children or someone you feared.

Life has changed for me, I still struggle, when old patterns of life appear from out of no-where, my heart skips a beat and I am lost. I’ve panicked, I am the first to admit it, my PTSD has triggered. The centre of peace I created has been lost every time, I get angry with myself. That is the most annoying part, I don’t want to get angry anymore. I just desire to come back to the new me that I am getting used to and make my own decisions.

Today my heart is open more, I’ll always learn there is something else I can do; I can mend whatever is broken. There is no shortage of tough moments in life.  I am continually challenged facing tough moments set before me. Life is a journey we face so many ups and downs, I am discovering a deeper sense of myself. Along the road of my journey, that has been hard and revealing in many ways. Discovering you is an experience. That is one thing I have trouble getting my head around. Sometimes I see the old ways creeping in, I have to remind myself and give myself time.

I’ve been healing all these months, I remind myself, I am alive and not living in darkness, fear. Those years of fear are now gone. I’ve been doing the work, which I needed to do. I’ve created a healthy life now. I used to jump at any sudden noise, cry at the drop of a hat, wonder who was walking up behind me. Images of a life of fear are now gone. We all have a right to make the choice to walk away from fear, violence, and live in peace.

I am very aware of my life and choices I have made to rebuild, I tried to have the perfect life a hundred years ago, as I describe my life now. I would punish myself severely trying to be perfect. I thought it was meant to be. That idea has now going out the window. I know now I will make mistakes.  I understand and know there will be times when I don’t handle situations and struggle to make the right choices. I am not going to ruin myself anymore by becoming someone else other than who I am. The judge inside me is very hard on me,

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Planting the seeds of life now is very precious to me; life is not about perfection, or putting on the perfect mask of life. Oh! How that shone before, the mask of a perfect marriage, There were so many deep hidden secrets. I have a deeper understanding of myself now. Over this year I have let go of so many things, I had to, to live.

The past, tries to creep into the future, many times, now I keep walking creating a space between me and the past. I don’t need to turn around anymore and see the past. I have looked back, I’ll be honest sometimes in the real early days it would have been easier to go back than to face the future. I’ve made bad decisions, when I have been in a confused state of mind. Sometimes I thought the future was a mirage, it would never happen, now I have arrived in the future and making a life.

I tortured myself for so many years, but those days are now gone, I am living in the here and now, making the very best of my life. I’m not perfect, I will make mistakes, maybe I will hurt people, but I’m not hurting myself anymore. I will do everything possible to do everything right, because I care about my choices today and always..

(c)bjsscribbles

 

The inner soul

Lately I have struggled with my thoughts, there has been a great deal going on in my life. Turning to God has saved me more and more each day. Keeping me moving forward, I have been moving forward but I have struggled to write. The more I think I am getting there, I seem to take a step back.

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Music of life, created day and night
My nature is that of music
My lips have stammered
My sound has struggled
I utter a silent sound
Not able to fulfill the need of others
Dreams, thought, feelings interlaced
Inwardly, all senses answer the call
Tunes, so mysterious to the ear
Which step out to greet, granting infinite pleasure
From the darkness of the night, to the light of day
The soul I struggle to bear, the song of  my soul,
My inner soul has struggled
Through the portals of hearing, the beauty
Now of night, utter all sounds
Thunder now of night, breaks its own cloud
My flesh shivers, before my soul

(C) bjsscribbles

As the time had fully come

As the time had fully come
God sent his Son

Our hearts become alive,
Our eyes awake to the Glory of God
I praise you God, for everything,
You have done an allowed me to see and hear
We wait for the time of Your Revelation
We feel your power, your ultimate will for us

Hear our prayers in these days
Your kingdom is before our eyes
As other creatures, feel your presence
Your word, Your help, has shown me the light
Jesus’s Light, before the dawn of day
For all all the world

Praise and honor for all you do
May I continue to see, it all
Before my eyes in living
Full of Joy and Blessings
We wait for you, in joy and love
Longing for your glory…In Jesus name Amen

(c)bjsscribbles

God will hear a cry,

The cry
The soul is troubled
For often the eye mistakes
And the brain is trouble
Again and again
Comfort and help
Comes from the Lord
Yet anguish comes from the memory of our sins
Our iniquities
Are saved by the measures of forgiveness
Like the corner of a gem
Placed delicately, do not pass over them
A psalm will carry you to a place you need
Your soul waits for you
God will forgive, he waits for us
To come to him,
Things beyond all powers
The cry of a child, God will hear
Shadows of the world, will appear
As God reveals the answer
And we draw on God’s grace.

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Our heart yearns and seeks

So many indecisions
What do we do?
Our heart yearns and seeks
Winds and peaks of life
Yet our brain is searching for another
I hear a little of both, listening quietly
So many indecisions
When your heart and mind are in conflict
Your conscience is at war
One wants one thing and the other wants another
So many question, with no answer

So many indecisions
What do we do?
Our heart yearns and seeks
Winds and peaks of life
You listen, you dispute
Ponder on prayer
And follow

When you know right from wrong
The heart is in love, working with the conscience
A heart is forever
Let us ponder the mind
The mind cries out
Tricking the heart
Believing there is
A quarrel going on
In the conscience

So many indecisions
What do we do?
Listen to the conscience
Follow God
And ponder your life

(c)bjsscribbles

In Your Name Jesus

Friendship and family
The ties between friendship continue forever
Friends and family never say goodbye
Purity, honesty, enfold ties that never die
There has been miles between us
Times have been tough
Christ knows enough
I prayed so

Memories I carry them with me
I hope you will remember
The times and carry the memories
Because the friendship
We carry, the family
We carry, the heart
Of the Lord, He will remind us

Never forget the memories we carry
Our heart leads us and reminds us
Friends and family, true to our heart
Will always remember
No matter how far away we are
We are always there for another

God has led me, like some branch of a tree
Keeping me strong, keeping you in my heart
Close to my heart, I pray, I know you know
The Lord is guiding me, comforting me
In ways I have never known
Tears of joy now stain my pillow
No tears of sadness
My heart only sings songs of joy
The only ache in my heart
Is for the times I say goodbye
But that is not for long

Dear God, you have led me
Like a branch of a tree
Offering me a branch to live
And share my life, I pray so
In your name, Jesus
Amen

(c)bjsscribbles

Job 17:5 For a portion he sheweth friendship, And the eyes of his sons are consumed.

Job 29:4 as I was in the ripeness of my days, when the friendship of God was in my tent,

Proverbs 12:26 A righteous person is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.