There was a time

 

So many life changes have come into my life. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to believe it is me living this life. I am feeling pretty good and pleased.

Sometimes old doubts creep into my mind, I have to shake myself and tell the dangerous doubting thoughts to get out. Those times are hard and tough going, but with the help of many around me and most of all knowing God is in my life. I get through.

There have been times lately when I have wondered if I’ll ever be free of the life I led before. With so many things happen it’s hard to keep the past where it should be, in the past. The scars are slowly passing, fading, they will fade further over time. I have had trouble believing in myself, today I’ve come to the point where I do.

The person that cause so much heart ache over time in my life is slowly fading as well, but unfortunately, news creeps through. Refreshing the memories, now I move past those time quickly, but I feel for those in the city that deals with it most of the time.

I love the quiet in my life now, no arguments, no yelling, no hiding. Finally I feel as though there is peace in my life. At the moment I am looking after friends dogs for about a fortnight, I was anxious a bit, thoughts of my dogs came flashing before my eyes, which is only natural after all I had them for the best part of 20yrs. Today as my friends left for Sydney, I have felt comfortable with the dogs, really I don’t know what I was worried about. Almost as though I have never been away from dogs.

To express the feeling of how I attained peace in my life is puzzling to me. Many say it is simple because I have “God” in my life but I often wonder is it as simple as that. Maybe it is. My trouble is I have been looking for so many answers, but it has been before my eyes all the time.

I truly don’t know how I got through all the years of turmoil in my life before without “God”, many times I coould’ve taken my life but continued pushing through, to get where I am now. There are many I know that don’t have g”God” or any sort of belief in their life. I became tired of the answer one foot after another, I knew there had to be a better way, I guess I found it.
(c)bjsscribbles

 

There was a time,

When I didn’t have all the answers

Who’s to say that I do now

Who’s to say anyone does

I remember many saying

“What goes around comes around”

I believe, now

The many tears that have passed in time

Tears pass away, then you finally see

Life is alright, whatever you do

Memories, come back to you

You remember it is all true

Life is alright, whatever you do

It’s coming back, to you

The passion of life caught between

The beauty of a rose and the remains of life covered in ashes

At the end of your rope

You don’t want to feel, you don’t want to be seen this way

There is hope, your hanging on to hope

The nights will turn around

You’ll be found, and someday you will rise again

Life is alright, whatever you do

Memories, may come back to you

You remember it is all true

Life is alright, whatever you do

It’s coming back, to you

There is hope, your hanging on to hope

The nights will turn around

With God in your life.

 

(c)bjsscribbles

Days and years have passed by

Many emotions have crossed my heart over the past few weeks. This was my way of getting through.

 

How many steps must I take?
Thousands till I reach you,
Many times I have stumbled,
Again an Again, though I am weary
How many steps must I take?
To climb to heavens gate

Days and years have passed by
How long do I wait? I am waiting on the Lord
Waiting on you, I stand firm
The storms of life that flow before me
Yet I am still hopeful, waiting for you Lord

My existence is in my prayers
“My God, guide me each day,guide me to live”
Winds gusts and blow across the river
Yet my peace is with the river

Through all the season of time
The chill of winter, the colours of spring
Summers burning glow, Autumn bring new life,
The death of Summer, to life in Winter,
All season change, as season of life change
Smiles, tears, still I clasp my hands tight
I pray kneeling down, trusting in You God
By the grace of God, you are there to mend my heart
As you do others, whom need you help
You are there always, always
You are there, mending our hearts

Tears glisten down my eyes, leaving stains on my cheeks
I raise my arms up to you, I surrender my life to You
I cry out, I believe you are there, Yet I wait patiently for you
You bring joy, success, peace, unto our lives
The lure of temptations, scare my changed heart
Frightening me, shaking my mind, leaving me cloudy
Every day now is a new experience, I explore God
Yet do not ignore God, Your words are living in my mind
I know now, and feel your words each day

Our past may come and go
My past is my foe
There is shame and doubt
Scars
Enemies of the mind
Feel the fire within, ready to ignite
As the lions surround you
Through God, my soul is saved
With each breath, I take, With You God
All thing are possible

Days and years have passed by
How long do I wait? I am waiting on the Lord
Waiting on you, I stand firm
The storms of life that flow before me
Yet I am still hopeful, waiting for you Lord
And I will see, All things are possible

(c)bjsscribbles

Voices

The past few weeks have been hard, but I got through. My head was all over the place.

 

I heard them coming
Voices, echoing in my head
The first wave echoed
Yet there was still more
Loudly they echoed along the surface
I stood by the waters edge looking for peace
Scattering shards of light
Flickered across the waters edge

Trees surround the waters edge
Whispering in the wind
Wavering branches
Murmuring sounds I heard
Voices, echoing in my head
In the pine trees that surrounded
The waters edge
Casting shadows of voices
Voices from the past

Then I felt it coming
Voices still trying to reach me
I was shivering, I felt them coming
The icy winds of the past
Holding my breath
In anticipation, I felt imprisoned
As the icy winds passed
It was like a switch going off
Fear as actions raged in passion
Instant leaving
Voices cast into the water
As my breath flowed
The morning amber glow
Gazing, peacefully

(c)bjsscribbles

Recently

I think, I had been riding a wave of life renewed. You may have read before some of what I have written but, it was what I had to do to get me through the last month. Without sitting at my computer, prayer and more prayer, I would not be where I am today with a clear head.

Many things happened during 2016 as I began a journey back into a world unknown.

Let me take a journey back for a second or two, to where I don’t go  much anymore. I don’t need too. I am not that person anymore. When I first left my marriage, and walked into my cousin’s house during the early stages of my divorce, shock had set it in. I thought my marriage was for life I had a house family. Walking into my cousin’s home because, I could not get a roof over my head for me and my two dogs. There was a feeling of emptiness all I had was the clothes on my back and two dogs.

Domestic violence comes in many forms and does your head in, living it for a long, long, time you have many scars; you deal with them as I had done with mine. There are many people out there that have lived as I have. Some that lived it a great deal longer than I. There are some special people I know that have helped me turn my life around, especially God. Becoming a new Christian, it was not allowed during my marriage and now sometimes I have questions raised by some. I am not changing for anyone; God has got to where I am today.

Recently those scars opened up and I have had to deal with them, there have been times during the past couple of weeks where, I could barely raise myself out of my bed. I pushed myself, because I don’t give in easy. I love walking, exploring as I walk. That even got put on the back burner, for a while. Walking where I live is heaven, the air is so pure and people chat with you even if you are walking on your own. I was so happy when my legs started to carry me on a journey when I started walking again. It has been a journey to today.

I bought myself a new car, during 2016, my dream car a car I never thought I would ever own. I was so happy to give Tibby my dog rides in it; she was able to enjoy it for a little while. I was so nervous buying it, but Wow, it has taken me on a journey in the first few months I have had it. Unfortunately Tibby passed away just before Christmas.

One of the biggest shocks to my nervous system last year was coming off long term pain medication. Something I never wish to go through again, pain medication also ruined my teeth. No body I know looked down on me for the condition of my teeth; they knew what I had been going through. I was ashamed as I always had looked after my teeth.

During the time leading up to Christmas, I started feeling empty. I felt my heart hardening, it was Christmas. Christmas is always a hard time for a great deal of people around the world. Today when you try and feel like Christmas, something happens to change the joy of Christmas into sadness. It does me but somehow you get through. I think back to when I was growing up, Christmas in South Australia started happening when the lights turned on by the River Torrens. Then everyone started getting excited; today it seems as though people expect Christmas when Easter is over.

New Year comes and goes, and here we again venture through another year. We all wonder where it is going to lead us. For me the start has been rough, but I will get through with God walking beside me. In a few short weeks there has been a great deal happening for one person. Blowing my whole world out of proportion, suddenly my peace I created was disrupted. Building a pergola, that was a pure joy, but suddenly I was not coping. I felt as though I hit a brick wall and I knew that was not good. My PTSD had returned, doing too much and dealing with some difficult people in my personal life had forced me to hit that wall. Somebody recently affected me and sent my body into shock.  A big cruncher for me which will send my PTSD into action is loud noises, I have to escape or it will send me into a corner. I recently had to see the Boss of the complex where I live to explain a few personal details of my life to him; he did not know the reasons behind my move to this valley. He was shocked when I told him. Yesterday as I finished up with my pergola and the privacy surround was completed. I started thinking more about God even though, I pray and praise God for my life each day. I feel blessed, that I lead the life I do, I might live on my own, but I am not on my own, God is with me. I have good people surrounding me. Plus a good support group of people, something I have never know before in my life.

There has been a purpose for the return of my PTSD, I realise now; God was showing me, I need a little more strength to carry on in my life. Yesterday when I was with some friends doing a bible study, I felt down, I felt as though what am I doing. I battled through. I was having trouble getting my head around the study, sometimes my mind just felt blank. Yet when I came home, I paced the floor gathering my thoughts. Then around 3pm, something clicked inside me and the past couple of weeks were over. God is giving me strength. A strength I have never know before.

Suddenly finding a voice and standing up for myself it has been a show of strength. I also have to learn how to control it in a polite way. Being obnoxious is not me, or even rude. I had enough of people being like that in the early stages of my life, all I desire is peace and a head that is not full of fog from people getting in my head.

Now I do feel renewed in the mind and soul.

I have a few posts to put up, it is where my head has been shaking myself out of depression. PTSD. It is where I truly don’t wish to go anymore but it is going to happen again sometime, but I hope not as painful as this time.

(c)bjsscribbles

 

Patience in our (my) heart

Learning about patience is hard especially when you are waiting and are trying hard to keep your mind on track. I know it would be easy for my mind to fall of the rails, so I am going to write away my thoughts on the world God, family, so please be with me. Maybe it is the cold weather I do not know, but this morning I had a good cry, something I have not done for about 5 yrs suddenly my world has stopped, I have never in 5 yrs given my body time to stop. Now I am learning patience is one of the fruits of the spirits, it can be difficult for believers and non-believers. I know of plenty who are non-believer that are not very patient. We walk with God and find patience, but there is also uncertainty that goes with patience as well. Uncertainty has certainly risen in my life, I have had to dig deep into God’s Holy world and find solid truths about patience. I have discovered emotions I did not know I have had, emotions I have not shown for many years I was too busy to realise I had emotions to share.
Discovering patience is a choice, going through the Bible I have found stories about men and women who have gone through trials and tribulations. The same as today reactions to patience vary, some grumble, others worship God some cry out in despair, we can all associate with different aspects of how we handle patience. Maybe we can all learn from the trials and tribulations throughout history. What is important is we all have a choice, we can decide how we are going to react when adversity hits. We can be patient when we need and wait on God or we can be impatient and act on our own accord.
Many chose to grumble and be impatient, some acted rightly, and some fell down and worshipped God in his time of affliction. God remained steadfast, now in my time I have called out to God asking for help, so He will hear my voice and my cry for help will reach his ears
There are Side Effects from my Decisions; I know I have travelled far and wide, wondering why I am at this place now. I have no complaints about the people around me, they are gems. I am frustrated with myself not God, for I know God is teaching me a lesson. What is before my eyes now will yield lessons of patience and blessings.
To be impatient and act on your own will cause danger, to be tempted by the danger of Satan will cause trials we do not need.
I have found learning to be patient and walking with God this has drawn me closer to God. In the short time I have become a Christian I have gone through, grief, agony, despair and all other trials and tribulations. Through prayer and worship, I have gotten through and drawn closer to God. I know I have to wait of God’s timing and focus on Him, spend quality time with Him. Learning to Turst God, patience may not get easier but I will handle patience better.
I am at a fork in the road at the moment, learning to be patient with God and wait on God. Sometimes I am tempted to act, but there is a power holding steady and that is my new learning and that is to be patient in God’s will. I have prayed for God’s help and guidance today and placed myself deep in the word of God facing peace and understanding, laying my burdens on God.

I have to calm down and wait patiently if I don’t it is not going to be good for my own health, I wrote this today to remind myself what I have learned about my life and myself. I hope it will help someone out there to look for God and not be impatient.
©bjsscribbles

Romans 8:24-30

24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?
25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.
More Than Conquerors
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.
30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

The mistress of the night, Throws your shadows down

Divide light if you dare
The mistress of the night,
Throws your shadows down,
Divine light flickers across
The jagged rocks, enhancing
The night, an endless dream
Floating across a sky lit by the mistress of the night

Cast your eyes, over the sleepy hills shaded
By a light divided by the moon, a flash of light
Gleams across the sky enhancing your senses
The distant sea, glistens and sparkles
Divided night by the light of the moon
Your stolen night an endless dream
Sounds of the night splash against the coast

Your dream of the endless night
Soon scorched by the morning sun
Your thoughts singed, as the night closes
And will be smothered by the morning sun
A dream pushed to the side, torn down
By the morning breath of the burning sun
Divide the light if you dare
The mistress of the night
Challenges your dreams.

(c)bjsscribbles

Anxiety makes drama feel vast

I have dealt with anxiety and still do from time to time, I thought I would share some of what happens to me when an attack happens sometimes it happens when you least expect and lasts for a few days. There not as frequent now but happen from time to time

Oh! the days have been gray, emotions are dark
Feelings are without a notion of what they stand for
To think, puzzles your mind,
To dreams seems to put your mind at rest
I hope one day find a calmer way
I pray one day, emotions will be filled with Joy

Anxiety makes drama feel vast
Fear, frustrations, panic, emotions exploding
They trap you by day and explode in your brain at night
A racing mind searching for sleep, evades
When your eyes pull down the shades
Your body filled with fatigue, perspiration
Fills your sleep, thoughts of taking time for ones self may help

Life becomes to hard, to hard to keep working,
Even to have fun, you start putting off things to do
Still thoughts that consume my mind stop me functioning
Lead me to despair, sometimes we inhale despair
Look around that road map in your mind
Why is it always so busy?, a silent mind is always rare
Frustrated and annoyed, if only they knew
Deep down I am hallowed, my self worth is diminished
The blame and guilt I carried, almost drove me to decay

To find a calmer way, free of noise and disturbance

Something we all search for, I am still searching
Peace, providing incentive, will soon arrive
Take a look around you
And maybe you will find a calmer way

(c)bjsscribbles