A letter to myself

Taking time out from your life, working out where your life is going, what you’re achieving in life. I’ve had to do this recently, realizing where I am at and where I am headed.

It was a silent time, taking time out. The last few years had been so busy; I had not spent time on me.

Spending time on me, shedding of the past, had lifted a great deal of weight of my shoulders, treading on new ground had transformed me. It didn’t happen in a moment, or a split second, accepting different life circumstances has given me a new life.

It’s something we need to do; taking time out, enabling me to keep moving forward in my life.

I remember, I had a great deal of dreams in my life, goals, things I desired to achieve, and they failed. I could not formulated them, get down to the nuts and bolts of them, I couldn’t bring them into reality. The big dreams were dreams, but they never were accomplished, today I reflect on them and know why they were never accomplished. One big word for and that is “Life”, it is only a small word but it has a great deal of meaning. Today I am accomplishing a few of my dreams. Sorting out the untidy bits of my life has been a challenge.

I am excited about life, but I bought myself down to ground level, trying to understand what I have achieved, my efforts I put into each and every day. I know I still have mountains to climb.

At the moment, focusing on what is here and now is difficult, dreams are wonderful, but you have to focus on what is here and now. Focusing on today, I remind myself, will help in creating the end result.

It’s hard to do that, I get so excited now about life. My phycologist gave me a hug and told me, “Have a great life.”

Part of me, says there is a turmoil going on inside me, exploring a new found freedom in life. Can we ever get in our own way of life? I think we can on so many levels.

I know I have been, growing more each day, developing as an individual, understanding all that is a challenge. Discovering finally I am becoming a person that I was meant to be all those years ago. I have been trying to raise my standards, to keep moving forward. My life kept me out of practice for so many years.

By focusing on one thing at a time, will ease the pressure of new life.

I guess, this is a lesson I have to learn, I know there will be difficulties levelling my life. I am faced with new challenges and situations. I know it will lead me, somewhere else; I will grow further even better than before. Taking the steps I have taken in my life, I will need to discipline myself to remain focused.

The way I was before, just won’t cut it anymore, I have to grow, evolve. There is an idea I have on the table at the moment. By completing it, I know I will grow further.

 

Constantly improving my life will lead me to new heights.

This is going to take my energy, to get up this new mountain; I love to walk to climb mountains. I know I can achieve this, my heart and mind is focused on my next journey.

Each new morning is a new step, chipping away and I will achieve.

I am committed to every day.

When we untie the chains of the past we can achieve. With the amazing Grace of God.

 

©bjsscribbles

The demons

 

Planting Some New Seeds in my life, I’m not sure when they were planted, but deep down they must have been. For the latter years of my marriage I found myself wandering, in my mind. Where it was leading me I did not know.

For many hours I found myself walking trying to escape, wandering yet not lost. I wandered in an about the trees across many parks. Downtrodden for many years, I listened to many whispers, whispers within my mind. How to escape, the turmoil within, there was no-where to go. I had built a home a family, but it was all lost in a maze of Alcohol and abuse. Yet I still had no-where to go.

I kept asking myself how do I breathe, I was tired, tired of life, the more I tried to plan an escape, I kept getting talked into staying. I had focus for so long on what was going on. What I had built was lost, leading to my realization there was nothing left in my life for me. Is that wrong, a desire to find an individual inside a soul that was dying.

I just desired a breath of life. I can really see now how tired of living I was, I know if I had stayed I would not be  writing this.

The demons that sat deep within my soul, I have finally dealt with, the PTSD that would trigger if someone did something out of place. Something simple would upset my day. I wondered would I ever be free of my past. I know now I will live with them, but it would not upset me as bad now I have dealt with them, with my psychologist. For now they are quieted down, through sheer determination to be able to live free. They may rise again, but I know how to deal with them now.

I’ve struggled with my past and how much it has affected my life now, I’ve thought a lot about it. There topics that come up in different situations I shy away from, I don’t need that talk, I am healed. My life is mine now. Maybe there is still a little healing to do, that will happen in time.

The journey I have taken to healing has been mine, my past is mine, but now it is the past, my healing has happened in many different areas. Reclaiming my life has been a powerful experience. The healing has not been easy, but it was necessary.

I am not sure why I stayed so long, I know fear and no-where to go was one of the main reasons. The path I was on was not good. I was always hopping life and promises would turn our lives around. But the promises never came to fruition. Most women in my situation do stay out of fear and leave up to 9 times. I had no idea what I should be doing; I still had no-where to go.

The more I write, the struggle to get where I am today, has been so valuable, to help keeping me moving forward. Who I am today, is not who I was, when I walked away. The struggle helped me understand what it means when I look at myself today. It has been a painful process, peeling away the person I was and developing a new and refreshed person. Untying the chains of the past is always a challenge, I remember the first time I heard “Amazing Grace” after I walked into a church for the first time, I cried, buckets of tears.

I did not think I would be this free, in 6 short years, discovering the heart is pure joy, discovering God and feeling whole is so important.

©bjsscribbles

Not hiding the shame

Lately I have started walking in my life openly, talking more about the life I led before I came to the place I am at now. I don’t hide what happened in my life anymore, it is such a great feeling to live openly and honestly.

___________________________________________

 

 

We live a life
Sometimes not talking
Hiding the shame of life

Yet there comes a time
When we need to talk
Not hiding the shame
My shame covered me
Covered my life
I find now

It’s okay, to say, “I’m not Okay”
There are days when we can ask, “RU Okay”
Because in life sometimes, we are not really okay

Ever tried putting up a smile
Trying to convince everyone
You’re alright, it’s hard work

For years, I live my life like that
Hiding behind a smile, believing
Before achieving
When you are hurt
Really hurt emotionally
Or physically
You don’t have to hide
Or pretend

For a long time I hid my wounds
Till I found I was not alone
We all have wounds
After all we are individuals and human
To be real, and authentic
Is a challenge till we do
We will never heal

I pretended for so many years
My soul knew the truth
It knew I was hiding, lying
Healing came slowly, honestly
And with compassion
Love, forgiving, learning

Healing came as I walked into the dark side of my life
Not hiding, as I walked out of the dark and toward the light of God
I learned I was walking in the light, discover the light

(c)bjsscribbles

 

Have you ever been lost?

The journey I have taken, lately I’ve had to do a great deal of thinking about my journey and where I’ve journeyed from and arriving to the destination where I am at now.

 
You are a brave soul
You are not lost
You are being found
Every step you take
Every movement you make
Every decision and every breath
Is part of the journey
The ups and downs
It’s all part of the journey
It’s part of the road we we are supposed to follow
I think, I’ve been entering, this space lately
Letting go of the old ways and doing things differently
I’m moving into a new story of my life
A journey of possibilities
A journey of adventure
Wild explosion
Lately I’ve been trying to understand
I can see it can go a couple of ways
The old ways are still there
The new ways are unknown
The illumination of the new ways are before me
I took the lighted path, followed the light
The want and yet doubt of everything I do or going through
You question whether or not it is the way
I struggled in so many ways
The truth is that sense of feeling free
The ability to go anywhere
The do things that are new to me
There are no ties, no restrictions

“This feeling of freedom, is new”
I’ve generated thoughts on paper
The desire to follow the path
I have set before me
I don’t know what it looks like
So many questions

Whatever is now on my heart
Whatever is on my mind
It’s right in front of me

Decisions making them
It was the part making me flounder
Times I didn’t wanted to make decisions
The amount of work, the time
The effort was daunting
I didn’r realise there was something important, near
The reward
The impact, positive vibrations
The heart tells me, “I can do this”
The heart, shows me my desires
I cannot enter the land of doubt again
I must continue to step right out into life
One step at a time, One decision at a time
The ripple of life will matter, I can make a difference
In life today.

(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

Gentle whispers of God

Gentle whispers echo
Listen for those soft whispers
Hear the beat within your soul
Telling you, listen silently
For the direction of your heart
Which way will you go

Clear your mind
Of all the stories
Blocking your way
The light is shinning on your path
Feel your heart gently
Feel free

Feel with your fingers
Run, with your fingers
Feel the pull
Don’t deviate
Beware of the distraction

Dedicate yourself
Dedicate.
One step at a time.
But there is a choice.

What we see
Our mind, has moved our heart
So we give ourselves time
To dig, to search

Sometimes we continue to dig
But it is in the same place
You keep digging, searching
It doesn’t work

Life becomes clearer
When they do it is exciting
Life becomes interesting again
There is no doubt in your mind
This is the path, the path to reality
Life is not “That will do”
There is a path to follow for you and I

Gentle whispers of God
Listen for those soft whispers
Hear the beat within your soul
Telling you, listen silently
For the direction of your heart
Which way will you go
Follow the gentle whispers of God

He is the wind, He is the air we breathe
He will lead you to your Path

(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

Another time another place

 

A Long Time ago
I wondered,
Where was I going
I sat all alone
Life went by
Faster than time
I knew not when
I was a dreamer
All I had was my dreams
Achieving life was all I had

Life was a disguise
I can see the mask of many
I see my eyes a long time ago
I should have realised

Never changing ever aging
Life dragged from day to day
Some many days and night
Oh! how I wished
I had found myself
Before on the theft of time

Doors that opened
Seeing people, seeing things
People received me
People were good to me
Oh! how the were good to me
Helping me along the way

I woke from this dream
Knowing that I should have
Realised a long time ago
Where I was

Another time, another place
I don’t care what people say
No I realise there was no other way for me

No more living from day to day
A long time ago
I should have realised
There was no other way

Now in another time, Another place

(c)bjsscribblestree

Trying to understand my life choices

Please forgive me for rambling, I am trying to get my head around the new me after a long time not knowing me at all.

There are some choices I have had to make in my life that I am not proud of, there are choices and different choices all have helped me along the way to learn and grow.

Great mistakes evolve when fear holds you tight. What was happening in my life gripped me with fear and anxiety. Over time decisions were made for me,  I did a lot of things in my life out of fear. I started to realise the choices I made in my life, and the need to make  changes in my life

My reactions came out of fear, to I look at my life and realise, doubt, self-doubt, worry, stress are all reactions that cause health problems. Today there are many health problems caused out of a life-time of stress.

When stress, anxiety takes hold of your body, everything engulfs you like a war going on in your mind. I wondered now what life would have been like without stress or worry, choices I made in life would’ve come out of love instead of worrying if those footsteps were your children or someone you feared.

Life has changed for me, I still struggle, when old patterns of life appear from out of no-where, my heart skips a beat and I am lost. I’ve panicked, I am the first to admit it, my PTSD has triggered. The centre of peace I created has been lost every time, I get angry with myself. That is the most annoying part, I don’t want to get angry anymore. I just desire to come back to the new me that I am getting used to and make my own decisions.

Today my heart is open more, I’ll always learn there is something else I can do; I can mend whatever is broken. There is no shortage of tough moments in life.  I am continually challenged facing tough moments set before me. Life is a journey we face so many ups and downs, I am discovering a deeper sense of myself. Along the road of my journey, that has been hard and revealing in many ways. Discovering you is an experience. That is one thing I have trouble getting my head around. Sometimes I see the old ways creeping in, I have to remind myself and give myself time.

I’ve been healing all these months, I remind myself, I am alive and not living in darkness, fear. Those years of fear are now gone. I’ve been doing the work, which I needed to do. I’ve created a healthy life now. I used to jump at any sudden noise, cry at the drop of a hat, wonder who was walking up behind me. Images of a life of fear are now gone. We all have a right to make the choice to walk away from fear, violence, and live in peace.

I am very aware of my life and choices I have made to rebuild, I tried to have the perfect life a hundred years ago, as I describe my life now. I would punish myself severely trying to be perfect. I thought it was meant to be. That idea has now going out the window. I know now I will make mistakes.  I understand and know there will be times when I don’t handle situations and struggle to make the right choices. I am not going to ruin myself anymore by becoming someone else other than who I am. The judge inside me is very hard on me,

.

Planting the seeds of life now is very precious to me; life is not about perfection, or putting on the perfect mask of life. Oh! How that shone before, the mask of a perfect marriage, There were so many deep hidden secrets. I have a deeper understanding of myself now. Over this year I have let go of so many things, I had to, to live.

The past, tries to creep into the future, many times, now I keep walking creating a space between me and the past. I don’t need to turn around anymore and see the past. I have looked back, I’ll be honest sometimes in the real early days it would have been easier to go back than to face the future. I’ve made bad decisions, when I have been in a confused state of mind. Sometimes I thought the future was a mirage, it would never happen, now I have arrived in the future and making a life.

I tortured myself for so many years, but those days are now gone, I am living in the here and now, making the very best of my life. I’m not perfect, I will make mistakes, maybe I will hurt people, but I’m not hurting myself anymore. I will do everything possible to do everything right, because I care about my choices today and always..

(c)bjsscribbles