The demons

 

Planting Some New Seeds in my life, I’m not sure when they were planted, but deep down they must have been. For the latter years of my marriage I found myself wandering, in my mind. Where it was leading me I did not know.

For many hours I found myself walking trying to escape, wandering yet not lost. I wandered in an about the trees across many parks. Downtrodden for many years, I listened to many whispers, whispers within my mind. How to escape, the turmoil within, there was no-where to go. I had built a home a family, but it was all lost in a maze of Alcohol and abuse. Yet I still had no-where to go.

I kept asking myself how do I breathe, I was tired, tired of life, the more I tried to plan an escape, I kept getting talked into staying. I had focus for so long on what was going on. What I had built was lost, leading to my realization there was nothing left in my life for me. Is that wrong, a desire to find an individual inside a soul that was dying.

I just desired a breath of life. I can really see now how tired of living I was, I know if I had stayed I would not be  writing this.

The demons that sat deep within my soul, I have finally dealt with, the PTSD that would trigger if someone did something out of place. Something simple would upset my day. I wondered would I ever be free of my past. I know now I will live with them, but it would not upset me as bad now I have dealt with them, with my psychologist. For now they are quieted down, through sheer determination to be able to live free. They may rise again, but I know how to deal with them now.

I’ve struggled with my past and how much it has affected my life now, I’ve thought a lot about it. There topics that come up in different situations I shy away from, I don’t need that talk, I am healed. My life is mine now. Maybe there is still a little healing to do, that will happen in time.

The journey I have taken to healing has been mine, my past is mine, but now it is the past, my healing has happened in many different areas. Reclaiming my life has been a powerful experience. The healing has not been easy, but it was necessary.

I am not sure why I stayed so long, I know fear and no-where to go was one of the main reasons. The path I was on was not good. I was always hopping life and promises would turn our lives around. But the promises never came to fruition. Most women in my situation do stay out of fear and leave up to 9 times. I had no idea what I should be doing; I still had no-where to go.

The more I write, the struggle to get where I am today, has been so valuable, to help keeping me moving forward. Who I am today, is not who I was, when I walked away. The struggle helped me understand what it means when I look at myself today. It has been a painful process, peeling away the person I was and developing a new and refreshed person. Untying the chains of the past is always a challenge, I remember the first time I heard “Amazing Grace” after I walked into a church for the first time, I cried, buckets of tears.

I did not think I would be this free, in 6 short years, discovering the heart is pure joy, discovering God and feeling whole is so important.

©bjsscribbles

Trying to understand my life choices

Please forgive me for rambling, I am trying to get my head around the new me after a long time not knowing me at all.

There are some choices I have had to make in my life that I am not proud of, there are choices and different choices all have helped me along the way to learn and grow.

Great mistakes evolve when fear holds you tight. What was happening in my life gripped me with fear and anxiety. Over time decisions were made for me,  I did a lot of things in my life out of fear. I started to realise the choices I made in my life, and the need to make  changes in my life

My reactions came out of fear, to I look at my life and realise, doubt, self-doubt, worry, stress are all reactions that cause health problems. Today there are many health problems caused out of a life-time of stress.

When stress, anxiety takes hold of your body, everything engulfs you like a war going on in your mind. I wondered now what life would have been like without stress or worry, choices I made in life would’ve come out of love instead of worrying if those footsteps were your children or someone you feared.

Life has changed for me, I still struggle, when old patterns of life appear from out of no-where, my heart skips a beat and I am lost. I’ve panicked, I am the first to admit it, my PTSD has triggered. The centre of peace I created has been lost every time, I get angry with myself. That is the most annoying part, I don’t want to get angry anymore. I just desire to come back to the new me that I am getting used to and make my own decisions.

Today my heart is open more, I’ll always learn there is something else I can do; I can mend whatever is broken. There is no shortage of tough moments in life.  I am continually challenged facing tough moments set before me. Life is a journey we face so many ups and downs, I am discovering a deeper sense of myself. Along the road of my journey, that has been hard and revealing in many ways. Discovering you is an experience. That is one thing I have trouble getting my head around. Sometimes I see the old ways creeping in, I have to remind myself and give myself time.

I’ve been healing all these months, I remind myself, I am alive and not living in darkness, fear. Those years of fear are now gone. I’ve been doing the work, which I needed to do. I’ve created a healthy life now. I used to jump at any sudden noise, cry at the drop of a hat, wonder who was walking up behind me. Images of a life of fear are now gone. We all have a right to make the choice to walk away from fear, violence, and live in peace.

I am very aware of my life and choices I have made to rebuild, I tried to have the perfect life a hundred years ago, as I describe my life now. I would punish myself severely trying to be perfect. I thought it was meant to be. That idea has now going out the window. I know now I will make mistakes.  I understand and know there will be times when I don’t handle situations and struggle to make the right choices. I am not going to ruin myself anymore by becoming someone else other than who I am. The judge inside me is very hard on me,

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Planting the seeds of life now is very precious to me; life is not about perfection, or putting on the perfect mask of life. Oh! How that shone before, the mask of a perfect marriage, There were so many deep hidden secrets. I have a deeper understanding of myself now. Over this year I have let go of so many things, I had to, to live.

The past, tries to creep into the future, many times, now I keep walking creating a space between me and the past. I don’t need to turn around anymore and see the past. I have looked back, I’ll be honest sometimes in the real early days it would have been easier to go back than to face the future. I’ve made bad decisions, when I have been in a confused state of mind. Sometimes I thought the future was a mirage, it would never happen, now I have arrived in the future and making a life.

I tortured myself for so many years, but those days are now gone, I am living in the here and now, making the very best of my life. I’m not perfect, I will make mistakes, maybe I will hurt people, but I’m not hurting myself anymore. I will do everything possible to do everything right, because I care about my choices today and always..

(c)bjsscribbles

 

There is one who came for us

Call the Holy Spirit
“Come to my soul, Holy Spirit”
Fill my soul, with your presence
I feel an awe when I know You are near
Always as I breathe, Your Spirit
Your desire
To teach us all,
Your pleasure to show
The gentle flow of Your Spirit
Teaches us to grow
To those who believe
A comforter has come
The Holy Spirit
I am one
Who thought
There is other ways
Now I ask the God the Father
As I lay my troubles at the cross
Jesus shows me the way
With, Faith, Truth, Strength, Courage
There is no other God
There are powers, beyond the realm
Mighty powers we fight
Jesus rose on the third day
Fight of the power of the devil
Dear, Heavenly Father, I feel your Spirit
In the breath I breathe,
I worship You each day
My quiet time I dwell on You
While I wait for You to come
In Jesus name Amen
Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

Your Spirit, is in us all

The many twist and turns in life, we can know that God is there willing to help us all. I’ve been checking some of my prayers in my journal today. To hot in Australia to venture outside today.

 

I speak of Your greatness Lord,
I talk of You and Your Goodness
Words You share

Though I have only known You a short time,
I see the many wonderful things You do
I’ve spread Your word to many

Know that I now know, You Lord, please don’t leave me
For the ones that follow, should know Your greatness as I do
Your power, that shapes a world

Dear Lord, I feel Your power each day
The wind You create reaches far above the skies
Your Spirit, is in us all
There is no – one like You

I’ve seen troubles and hard times
I had to see them, You were with me
But I did not know it then
You have picked me up, given me a new life
Together, I can do more
Your comfort shelters me
Praising You each day
In Jesus name Amen

As the wind passes your heart

All around I heard you pass
I look up to the sky
A gleaming shape floated by
And through the fields
I felt your breath float by

I felt your heart
For mine I tell you
That my heart
Heard you call in the wind
A wind blowing all day long
That sings such a loud song
Yet at time you hid yourself
I saw the different things you did,
Days when you are strong
Then days when you are icy cold
A wind that is neither young or old
A wind that blows all day long
Singing a soft tune
Light tentacles tousle my hair
Pressing against my cheeks
Tugging at my jacket
Reeling around me
Tugging at my soul
Like a lover
Gathering you in the wind
Arms wrapped around you
Calling you to dance
Hushed tones now
Hummed by the wind
Endless tunes, tugging
At my soul
My ears alert
To sweet nothings
A love gathering

Cage the wind
I tried between my hands
To gather it’s company
But like a vision
Gathered
It disappeared

A trail now lost
I tried to follow
A path that crossed
Many ways
The fields rustled
A silent sound
Feel the breath of the wind
In your face
it will not harm.

I felt your heart
For mine I tell you
That my heart
Heard you call in the wind
A wind blowing all day long
That sings such a loud song
Yet at time you hid yourself

(c)bjsscribbles

Wind and rain

_______________________________________

The wind and rain keeps coming today here in South Aussie, which led me to thinking about my words this afternoon.

——————————

 

Wind and the rain hold you spellbound
Wild and revealing, days when it is hard to control
Your thoughts, Yet God is with you, up there ,
We pray for rain, We pray for wind, it is with God
We hold our thoughts from Heaven a place we hold
In our thoughts, for one day

The rain and wind
Arrive in prayer, the Spirit within
A binding commitment from its place
Staying seperate from life on earth
Staying within the sky

Each droplet that falls, is lost coming downward
From its kind, searching for hollows, no-matter
How deep, falling, stirring puddles, mixing with
Us earth bound beings

Our thoughts with God, with God the planted seed
Grows within ourselves, the Spirit within
The whole creation

We praise God
For the rains, and the wind
The maker of our rivers
And oceans

The rain and wind will not end
What falls will not rise again
As each droplet falls, finding an empty place
God in his mercy lends his grace
The rain and wind will not end
Wind and the rain hold you spellbound

(c)bjsscribbles

My river was mapped for me

 

 

Though misleading at times

By the river and the sea
I feel the river flowing through
My body, my heart, my soul, to God’s sea
My river was mapped for me
Though misleading at times
I cannot change what happened along the way
It is mine and mine alone, mine to ponder
Crystal waters to keep free from mirages, toil
Covered in grime and soil, the winding river of life
Ends where it began and when life has surpassed,
It’s life span, I return to the river that was mapped for me
Mysteriously it lets me gather my daily course
Along my way to God’s sea, feel the perfume,
Of life as you pass the forests, through the crystal waters
Blossoms, linger in the air, stop a while
Be still, lay under the pines, feel the grass between your toes,
Healing Spirit from God as you lay still and feel the warmth
Images carry along my flowing river, glisten shadows,
Meld together as I journey to God’s sea
I feel the river flowing through, my story
Many stories of life flow, along the river to God’s sea
Many tears, eyes now that sparkle from the crystal waters
Yet there are many sad eyes, that flow past to God’s sea
From the rivers that are mapped for you
Stories from wounded hearts, nor tree that I pass
Along the way, pass flowery valleys, I gather momentum
Towards God’s sea, not to devastate, or destroy
My river is a comfort, a delight, Yet let me not devastate,
Those I pass along the way, my river mapped my course
But rather, leave the be to flow, their course
My river is my comfort, as I leaps over valleys and deep openings,
On the earths valleys, quietly I flow, and sweep my path
As I move without fear and bravely on, not knowing
What crosses my path or who stands near on my path
God showed me the path to love and to love
I keep following to the river

To God’s sea
Amen

(c)bjsscribbles