Trying to understand my life choices

Please forgive me for rambling, I am trying to get my head around the new me after a long time not knowing me at all.

There are some choices I have had to make in my life that I am not proud of, there are choices and different choices all have helped me along the way to learn and grow.

Great mistakes evolve when fear holds you tight. What was happening in my life gripped me with fear and anxiety. Over time decisions were made for me,  I did a lot of things in my life out of fear. I started to realise the choices I made in my life, and the need to make  changes in my life

My reactions came out of fear, to I look at my life and realise, doubt, self-doubt, worry, stress are all reactions that cause health problems. Today there are many health problems caused out of a life-time of stress.

When stress, anxiety takes hold of your body, everything engulfs you like a war going on in your mind. I wondered now what life would have been like without stress or worry, choices I made in life would’ve come out of love instead of worrying if those footsteps were your children or someone you feared.

Life has changed for me, I still struggle, when old patterns of life appear from out of no-where, my heart skips a beat and I am lost. I’ve panicked, I am the first to admit it, my PTSD has triggered. The centre of peace I created has been lost every time, I get angry with myself. That is the most annoying part, I don’t want to get angry anymore. I just desire to come back to the new me that I am getting used to and make my own decisions.

Today my heart is open more, I’ll always learn there is something else I can do; I can mend whatever is broken. There is no shortage of tough moments in life.  I am continually challenged facing tough moments set before me. Life is a journey we face so many ups and downs, I am discovering a deeper sense of myself. Along the road of my journey, that has been hard and revealing in many ways. Discovering you is an experience. That is one thing I have trouble getting my head around. Sometimes I see the old ways creeping in, I have to remind myself and give myself time.

I’ve been healing all these months, I remind myself, I am alive and not living in darkness, fear. Those years of fear are now gone. I’ve been doing the work, which I needed to do. I’ve created a healthy life now. I used to jump at any sudden noise, cry at the drop of a hat, wonder who was walking up behind me. Images of a life of fear are now gone. We all have a right to make the choice to walk away from fear, violence, and live in peace.

I am very aware of my life and choices I have made to rebuild, I tried to have the perfect life a hundred years ago, as I describe my life now. I would punish myself severely trying to be perfect. I thought it was meant to be. That idea has now going out the window. I know now I will make mistakes.  I understand and know there will be times when I don’t handle situations and struggle to make the right choices. I am not going to ruin myself anymore by becoming someone else other than who I am. The judge inside me is very hard on me,

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Planting the seeds of life now is very precious to me; life is not about perfection, or putting on the perfect mask of life. Oh! How that shone before, the mask of a perfect marriage, There were so many deep hidden secrets. I have a deeper understanding of myself now. Over this year I have let go of so many things, I had to, to live.

The past, tries to creep into the future, many times, now I keep walking creating a space between me and the past. I don’t need to turn around anymore and see the past. I have looked back, I’ll be honest sometimes in the real early days it would have been easier to go back than to face the future. I’ve made bad decisions, when I have been in a confused state of mind. Sometimes I thought the future was a mirage, it would never happen, now I have arrived in the future and making a life.

I tortured myself for so many years, but those days are now gone, I am living in the here and now, making the very best of my life. I’m not perfect, I will make mistakes, maybe I will hurt people, but I’m not hurting myself anymore. I will do everything possible to do everything right, because I care about my choices today and always..

(c)bjsscribbles

 

The inner soul

Lately I have struggled with my thoughts, there has been a great deal going on in my life. Turning to God has saved me more and more each day. Keeping me moving forward, I have been moving forward but I have struggled to write. The more I think I am getting there, I seem to take a step back.

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Music of life, created day and night
My nature is that of music
My lips have stammered
My sound has struggled
I utter a silent sound
Not able to fulfill the need of others
Dreams, thought, feelings interlaced
Inwardly, all senses answer the call
Tunes, so mysterious to the ear
Which step out to greet, granting infinite pleasure
From the darkness of the night, to the light of day
The soul I struggle to bear, the song of  my soul,
My inner soul has struggled
Through the portals of hearing, the beauty
Now of night, utter all sounds
Thunder now of night, breaks its own cloud
My flesh shivers, before my soul

(C) bjsscribbles

Your Spirit, is in us all

The many twist and turns in life, we can know that God is there willing to help us all. I’ve been checking some of my prayers in my journal today. To hot in Australia to venture outside today.

 

I speak of Your greatness Lord,
I talk of You and Your Goodness
Words You share

Though I have only known You a short time,
I see the many wonderful things You do
I’ve spread Your word to many

Know that I now know, You Lord, please don’t leave me
For the ones that follow, should know Your greatness as I do
Your power, that shapes a world

Dear Lord, I feel Your power each day
The wind You create reaches far above the skies
Your Spirit, is in us all
There is no – one like You

I’ve seen troubles and hard times
I had to see them, You were with me
But I did not know it then
You have picked me up, given me a new life
Together, I can do more
Your comfort shelters me
Praising You each day
In Jesus name Amen

Emotions by the waters edge

From deep within our mind, thoughts
There was always water
As children, playing happily
Along the water’s edge
Around the boats, we wandered
Jumping ropes coiled, laying quietly on jetties
Day by day, consciousness of the water
About our lives, by rivers, lakes, or oceans
The crashing waves hitting the fore shore

As we grew, so did our awareness
Our knowledge of water ways
Rivers swell, Oceans abound
We grew to know the expressions of water
Water our friend or foe
We turn our knowledge to our advantage
What days to wander by the ocean
What days to meander the rivers
Yet there is times to stay at home

The thirst for the ocean fore shore
The friendship we create, with the ocean
The sense of the way life is, or is not
A change in weather, creates havoc
Perception of the weather
Creates a new direction
New life under the sun
A cycle of life

Through the storms of life
Shock and realisation
There is a time we are called
One by one, a shadow appears
I feel a presence, a power, the power of God
Beyond the terror of life
We are expected to flounder
From that shadow, we feel a tug
Lifting us out of the depths

The echo, the howl of the wind
Our ambitions sometimes chaotic
Each ambition, sometimes we miss, and miss again
Through moments of grief
The last days of spring rain
Walking in between the coming rains
The lands blossoming, drinking up waters
Our minds wander of life to come

As we turn to the water
Hear the cry of birds
The evening breeze
The beauty of the constant motion
Again and again waters roll back and forth

The wind rises,we huddle down
Hiding our faces from spray
The early light would find
Us walking freely by the waters edge
The beginnings of dawn
Wind blowing the sea grasses
Voices carry across the windy shore
The fresh morning air on the edge of the wind
Clouds burn high above with the morning sun
Reflecting images on a distant hillside
Our hearts lifted towards the morning sky
Soaring on the coat tails of wind and rain
(c)bjsscribbles

As the wind passes your heart

All around I heard you pass
I look up to the sky
A gleaming shape floated by
And through the fields
I felt your breath float by

I felt your heart
For mine I tell you
That my heart
Heard you call in the wind
A wind blowing all day long
That sings such a loud song
Yet at time you hid yourself
I saw the different things you did,
Days when you are strong
Then days when you are icy cold
A wind that is neither young or old
A wind that blows all day long
Singing a soft tune
Light tentacles tousle my hair
Pressing against my cheeks
Tugging at my jacket
Reeling around me
Tugging at my soul
Like a lover
Gathering you in the wind
Arms wrapped around you
Calling you to dance
Hushed tones now
Hummed by the wind
Endless tunes, tugging
At my soul
My ears alert
To sweet nothings
A love gathering

Cage the wind
I tried between my hands
To gather it’s company
But like a vision
Gathered
It disappeared

A trail now lost
I tried to follow
A path that crossed
Many ways
The fields rustled
A silent sound
Feel the breath of the wind
In your face
it will not harm.

I felt your heart
For mine I tell you
That my heart
Heard you call in the wind
A wind blowing all day long
That sings such a loud song
Yet at time you hid yourself

(c)bjsscribbles

Voices

The past few weeks have been hard, but I got through. My head was all over the place.

 

I heard them coming
Voices, echoing in my head
The first wave echoed
Yet there was still more
Loudly they echoed along the surface
I stood by the waters edge looking for peace
Scattering shards of light
Flickered across the waters edge

Trees surround the waters edge
Whispering in the wind
Wavering branches
Murmuring sounds I heard
Voices, echoing in my head
In the pine trees that surrounded
The waters edge
Casting shadows of voices
Voices from the past

Then I felt it coming
Voices still trying to reach me
I was shivering, I felt them coming
The icy winds of the past
Holding my breath
In anticipation, I felt imprisoned
As the icy winds passed
It was like a switch going off
Fear as actions raged in passion
Instant leaving
Voices cast into the water
As my breath flowed
The morning amber glow
Gazing, peacefully

(c)bjsscribbles

In a land far away

In a land far away
From the bright city lights
For often thro’ the silent nights
Let the light fade away
Into the nights
This world of ours

We’ll build our world
Far from the city lights
All of our sorrows
Will now become peace of mind
Let the light fade away
Into the nights
In a land far away

Come with me see my world
A land where night greets
The morning, where the sun shines bright
Thro’ the noises of the night
I feel your heart beat
In a land far away

I’ll build a world of our own
Among the marshes and the desert
Will now become peace of mind
No more sorrows, in a land
Where the stars of the night
Shine bright, a bearded meteor
Trailing light, flying from left to right
Among the marshes and the desert
There will be peace of mind
In a land far away
And at the closing of the day
There weaves night and day
In a land far away

(c)bjsscribbles