If only

 

My changing face of life came late in life, but my life is still a work in progress. My face has not changed but the mask that I wore for so many years has changed.

 

Would life be so much simpler if we could lift that mask early in life? For some of us it just doesn’t happen till we are ready.

I was so uncomfortable, trying to be someone, I wasn’t. I wore the mask of someone in pain during my life for a long time. Wearing that face, I became someone so alone unable, to connect fully with people. I don’t know fully how it all happened, I do really, and it was from a time when I was so oppressed in life. For far too many years, I was insignificant. I still get nervous in crowds but life is getting easier. I try to play down my achievements for some reason. I am not sure, I think it was because my Dad was such a humble person. I am now starting to show the world what I have achieved even in my writing.

 

You can come out the other side, but still I am apprehensive about what scares me.

 

I faced so many fears as I worked with my psychologist; I have developed more courage, more strength in the past few months. I actually partly have been running on adrenaline with some of the things I have been doing. I am amazed what I am capable of. I think as I face new challenges in life, the fear has given me strength to keep moving forward.

I think of some of the things I achieved since I have been on my own, I have done out of fear. I traveled Australia. I did it on my own. There was a great deal of people out there doing the same as me; few were single women with a couple of dogs. Settling in a strange town on my own, facing barrages of questions, “Who are you?” everyone desiring to know who this strange person was with two dogs. “Where are you from?” what drove you to this place? There were so many questions I didn’t wish to answer, but slowly I did.

 

I am not in the same place; I challenge myself now to different answers. I am a different person now.

I feel I am on top of the mountain now. It’s been a slow climb, but I made it.

I had this moment up on the top of the mountain that is hard to explain. A deep feeling of emotion lately. Being able to breathe, without panic.

When I journey now, where ever I journey, I look up into the sky, “I have arrived, thank you for giving me life” I am going to keep doing, what I am doing, journeying outside my comfort zone. To challenge myself, body and mind, to be stronger each day than I ever was in life.

Finding you, myself, I have developed different beliefs; I attempt things I have never done before in my life. Not settling for mediocrity.

Facing what is thrown at you in life is hard work, learning to face yourself every day, challenging yourself to try and do things you have never done before. This is hard. At first, I found it very easy to stay huddled up, wallowing in self-pity, it seemed the easy way out. Then I found I, had to get out there and live, not being walked on by everyone else.  Climbing those mountains life challenges, I had to take those challenges on to see what happens. Why not give a mountain challenge with God on your side and see what happens.

The mountains, the challenges I have faced will stay with me for a long time. It signifies special moments in my life. Taking down the mask of life and putting myself to the test of life.

Writing my blog has enabled me to see how far I have traveled, how much I have faced in my journey.

Everyone has faced mountains in their life, when we do we take the experience with us and grow building us up, instead of bringing us down. The mask of life only comes off when we go outside our self and journey beyond our comfort zone.

My scenes of my life I have created help me make decisions to tear down the many masks I wore and face my fears.

 

How many mountains have you climbed? Can you repeal the many masks of life?

(c)bjsscribbles

 

Another time another place

 

A Long Time ago
I wondered,
Where was I going
I sat all alone
Life went by
Faster than time
I knew not when
I was a dreamer
All I had was my dreams
Achieving life was all I had

Life was a disguise
I can see the mask of many
I see my eyes a long time ago
I should have realised

Never changing ever aging
Life dragged from day to day
Some many days and night
Oh! how I wished
I had found myself
Before on the theft of time

Doors that opened
Seeing people, seeing things
People received me
People were good to me
Oh! how the were good to me
Helping me along the way

I woke from this dream
Knowing that I should have
Realised a long time ago
Where I was

Another time, another place
I don’t care what people say
No I realise there was no other way for me

No more living from day to day
A long time ago
I should have realised
There was no other way

Now in another time, Another place

(c)bjsscribblestree

Deep inside our minds

Lately I have been doing some deeper work with my psychologist opening deep secrets that I carried with me right through my life. Finally dealing with life, I am moving on further. Each line I have written has meaning for me. Dealing with the past with imagery is a powerful tool.
—————————————————————–
Where is meaning in this world
I have struggled to find meaning
We all know this world, yet we struggle
Today we try, but yet we wonder

I wonder where it is all going to end
Where should we all go?
There is so much hidden
Questions unanswered
Will we ever find the answers
The answers hidden, among the maze of the world
Deep inside our minds
Hidden deep in our inner soul

Life that is hidden, life we try to hide
Life does find you,
And it all releases
All the secrets of life hidden beneath the shield
The secrets of life can ruin the life you have made
Free up your life and release the secrets, dark secrets
The memories will fade, hidden in our lives
So many stories untold, of things we didn’t want told
The world came to a close for me, I told someone
Finally closure, my feelings are known
The struggle will soon be over
I am finally home

(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

Thank you Lord for the help You have given me

 

Life experiences sometimes are a challenging for us all to achieve the mountain heights and leave anxiety and depression behind. Once this next section of my life is complete, the work I am doing at the moment with God’s help, I should not be walking in the valley of darkness any more. God has taught me many things along my journey so far, proving I am never alone, though I have felt the depths of loneliness when I have been ill. I believe there were so many feeling pent up inside me, He wanted me to face the truth, learning there are many parts to the power of God’s will, I may not have ever come to know otherwise

My  depression is over, all I can do is stay positive, my friend anxiety creeps in as it did earlier this year with quite a bang, it was totally out of left field, I was reeling so hard, my PTSD reared its ugly head. When fear controls your memories and flashbacks, reaches into my soul again after so long being away, you don’t sleep, toss and turn. I wanted it all to go away; it has left my body for now.

There are many of us out there that struggle; I know I am one of millions. Yet when I turned to God out of desperation, repented, and turned to God for the first time in my life. Learning I am on a journey now in my life with God following alongside. We all know the poem “Footsteps in the sand”. We are reminded we are not alone, learning to trust again for the first time in my life has bought me closer to God and I know He loves me and you that are there alongside me. There are times still when I don’t know what is happening to me, lately I have had a major COPD attack, struggling to get on top, many times in  and out of desperation I have prayed. “Lord, Help me I need my breath” In Jesus name Amen

My prayers are slowly getting better over time, learning how to pray, by just talking to God has been the most challenging experience. People have told me my prayer are from the heart. Also someone told me it is just like talking to a friend, because of my life before I never knew much about friends. Today, I either turn to Isaiah, Psalms, there is a special nearness here that I achieve when I need that special closeness. When I am walking around the hills, I feel God’s breath, the Holy Spirit, walking with me. God has become my strength, the envelope of my Faith. When I read this section of Isaiah, I feel I am with God and it gives me strength

Isaiah

53

Who has believed our message

and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?

2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,

and like a root out of dry ground.

He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,

nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

3 He was despised and rejected by mankind,

a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.

Like one from whom people hide their faces

he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

4 Surely he took up our pain

and bore our suffering,

yet we considered him punished by God,

stricken by him, and afflicted.

5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,

he was crushed for our iniquities;

the punishment that brought us peace was on him,

and by his wounds we are healed.

6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,

each of us has turned to our own way;

and the Lord has laid on him

the iniquity of us all.

7 He was oppressed and afflicted,

yet he did not open his mouth;

he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,

and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,

so he did not open his mouth.

8 By oppression[a] and judgment he was taken away.

Yet who of his generation protested?

For he was cut off from the land of the living;

for the transgression of my people he was punished.[b]

9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,

and with the rich in his death,

though he had done no violence,

nor was any deceit in his mouth.

10 Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,

and though the Lord makes[c] his life an offering for sin,

he will see his offspring and prolong his days,

and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand.

11 After he has suffered,

he will see the light of life[d] and be satisfied[e];

by his knowledge[f] my righteous servant will justify many,

and he will bear their iniquities.

12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,[g]

and he will divide the spoils with the strong,[h]

because he poured out his life unto death,

and was numbered with the transgressors.

For he bore the sin of many,

and made intercession for the transgressors.

In Jesus name Amen.

I struggled a great deal in my life, with doing the right thing all the time. Sometimes I wished it was not bred in my DNA. It would lead to confusion, Anxiety, I would wonder what people thought of me and say about me, if I did the opposite. I could not live like that anymore I had to put myself first in my life, but alongside God. The Lord has become my salvation and when I stumble, it may take days or weeks but I pick myself up.

A friend once showed me these verses which taught me a great deal.

Isaiah 43: 5-7

Do not be afraid, for I am with you;

I will bring your children from the east

and gather you from the west.

6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’

and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’

Bring my sons from afar

and my daughters from the ends of the earth—

7 everyone who is called by my name,

whom I created for my glory,

whom I formed and made.”

In Jesus name Amen

I feel so encouraged when I see and hear God’s scripture, I feel as though God hears my prayers, lifting my worries from my shoulders. Sometime I am so overwhelmed by what goes on about me it is easy to fall away from God’s world, but I know better now. The only way now is with God.

!st Thess 5:16-18

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

This is another of the scripture I first learned, and it has become an important part of my life now. I have found it possible to pray continually and rejoice in God’s word, especially when things are not going well. Many times I wished I knew God before in my life, I did not know how to reach out, now I do. Jeremiah 33:3 “Call to me and I will answer you, I will show you the thing you do not know.” Mathew 7:7 “Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find…….A dear friend taught me that scripture.

There are many other scriptures that I have come to know, please add your favourite if you feel led to in the comments.

There are many truths in the Bible, the most important thing to know is the peace you feel when you are with God in prayer. When you are anxious take it to God, praise God for helping and give thanks. Sometime I feel a peace about me I don’t understand, like Friday when I came home from an appointment, I felt sure I would have been pacing the floor with anxiety, but I wasn’t, I was at peace with what I was doing. I know God has been with me. As I walk through the last of the demons in my life and deal with them finally.

Search your heart when you spend time with God, but first make sure your heart is empty. You maybe are restricting yourself from being near to God if you don’t. Seek and You will find him.

In Jesus name Amen

 

Continually I have prayed

This is a personal post for me, but something I needed to do, to finish getting me over the line this week.

 

I need to do this study today, Forgiveness; forgiveness is eating at me this week. Continually I have prayed for forgiveness for those that have hurt me in my life, I once had a whole list then after praying destroyed it in the bin. I still continually pray for forgiveness, but when something goes wrong and it is not your fault it is hard to forgive at least it is for me.
But is you don’t forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your failing and shortcomings. Mark 11:25-26
Prayer is vital, the desire to pray for forgiveness, the desire to keep moving forward in life, in order to reach our goal of peace. Well it is for me, that is all my desire is, is to forgive and live in peace. I know we don’t always live in peace, in life we have to face what hurts us. None of us really enjoy taking responsibility for our own actions or problem areas in life. Believe me I have plenty, some I have pushed deep down, but by doing that it is not going to set me free.
I am preparing to do some work with my psychologist on forgiveness and deeper work into my subconscious. One special point at the moment is “Emphysema”, even though I had lung problems as a child, unfortunately I lived with a smoker for far too long. I have to be careful what I put up on my blog now. But as a baby boomer we lived and worked with people, also socialised with smoke, even if you were not a smoker.
The decision to forgive is very emotional, it is for me, I need to keep forgiving, over and over. Maybe some will write in the comments about their forgiveness journey. It is not an easy thing to do I know. With the support group I have around me, they guide me, my heart has softened a great deal, my heart was truly broken and my healing has taken a while. I keep reminding myself to be patient, and keep coming to God.
Treasured friends shared this quote with me from ““Job” For he will not dwell unduly on the days of his life, but God keeps him busy with the Joy in his heart.”
We learn more and more each day to depend on God; “I ask can we depend now on God to help us through life, by inviting him in every day?. It’s funny I was so strong and independent when I arrived in the valley, but I know now, I had to open my door and let God in. I was very self-reliant the walls thoroughly surrounded me. Setting down the walls of Jericho depending on the Holy Spirit I remind myself today I am ready to forgive in the name of Jesus.
Changing my heart has been one of the hardest things I have had to do towards people in my life that have hurt me. The point to remember for me is that no-one can truly hurt me anymore by putting my trust in God, even though they can hurt us, God is always there ready to heal us.
I know for myself, I have so many emotions built up inside from many years of abuse, they are gradually fading as I managed them better each year. With God’s continued help.
In Jesus name Amen
There are many prayers for forgiveness but I like this one.
Psalm51
A Prayer for Forgiveness
———————————–
1 Be merciful to me, O God,
because of your constant love.
Because of your great mercy
wipe away my sins!
2 Wash away all my evil
and make me clean from my sin!
3 I recognize my faults;
I am always conscious of my sins.
4 I have sinned against you—only against you—
and done what you consider evil.
So you are right in judging me;
you are justified in condemning me.
5 I have been evil from the day I was born;
from the time I was conceived, I have been sinful.
6 Sincerity and truth are what you require;
fill my mind with your wisdom.
7 Remove my sin, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear the sounds of joy and gladness;
and though you have crushed me and broken me,
I will be happy once again.
9 Close your eyes to my sins
and wipe out all my evil.
10 Create a pure heart in me, O God,
and put a new and loyal spirit in me.
11 Do not banish me from your presence;
do not take your holy spirit away from me.
12 Give me again the joy that comes from your salvation,
and make me willing to obey you.
13 Then I will teach sinners your commands,
and they will turn back to you.
14 Spare my life, O God, and save me,[b]
and I will gladly proclaim your righteousness.
15 Help me to speak, Lord,
and I will praise you.
16 You do not want sacrifices,
or I would offer them;
you are not pleased with burnt offerings.
17 My sacrifice is a humble spirit, O God;
you will not reject a humble and repentant heart.
18 O God, be kind to Zion and help her;
rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will be pleased with proper sacrifices
and with our burnt offerings;
and bulls will be sacrificed on your altar… Amen

The beauty of God’s world, amazes me

The beauty of God’s world amazes me, each morning. At the moment without God in my life, I don’t know how I would get through each day. After my Doctors appointment, I have been doing some thinking and wrote this.

———————

 

I walk each morning enjoying the early morning sunrise,
I tilt my head across the hills, focusing my eyes on the soft powdery sky
A soft gentle breeze crosses my body, I feel a presence
My eyes search, the horizon, there is a quietness about
The early morning brings a special time for me
God’s peace is with me, each morning
Trees, and vines, growing rapidly
Birds, guide my pathway, from tree to tree

Among the hills
The beauty of God’s world, amazes me
Each day I feel God as I walk and continually pray
The sun rises over the hills, images rise among the clouds
Dear Heavenly Father, I cry out to you for help, keep me safe,
Show me the way of life, give me hope, there is always hope
As my Faith grows, along with Trust, I feel Your love, God
Your love has given me the strength to face my fears
A gentle breeze flows across my body, sending shivers down my spine
God is with me, I know He is there
With God in my life, I know I am never alone
God, I know You were with me, right from my birth
I’ve opened my heart to You, You are inside my heart
Guiding me, trust is now abiding in my heart
My prayers to You have enabled me to master my life
God never leaves us, I know that now
A soft breath of air crosses my face
God has heard me this morning
Life has gathered me to a life I never knew, now many surprises each day
Strength, trust, faith in God, outweighs, sorrows, or regrets.
There is a tomorrow, the sun will shine, my walks guided by God
Continue each day, with birds singing God’s tune
Memories come and go, I remind myself, memories also fade
But now I live to enjoy life anew each day, and all it may bring.

(c)bjsscribbles

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13

 

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

 

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. Deut. 31:6

 

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Eph. 6:10

 

The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him. Psalm 28:7

 

I will go in the strength of the Lord GOD; I will make mention of Your righteousness, of Yours only. Psalm 71:16

You have stood beside me

We reached 41.0 degrees in my home state again today, I’ve sat searching today for thoughts, prayers and healing in my heart. I’ve been doing some Bible Journal lately and found one of my prayers I had written to help me get back on track.

 

Dear Lord, You have stood beside me,
I’ve called to You for help
Your ears have never been closed to my prayers
There is times when you have not answered me
I cry out and You, show me Your way

I lift my head towards to sky
Listening for Your Spirit
Praying You will show me mercy.

Dear Lord, I continue along my way
You have blessed me according to my deeds
As You do others, even those with evil
Teaching me to to forgive those
Who have hurt,
You’ve shown me how to discern,
Good from Bad, that, there is hope

I lift my head towards to sky
Listening for Your Spirit
Praying You will show me mercy.
Praise the Lord!
He has heard my prayer for mercy.

You have given me strength, a full armour
I trust the Lord with my heart and soul
I found Joy in the Lord
Praise God

In Jesus name hear my prayer today Amen

(c)bjsscribbles