Where do I begin

I’ve search my screen for answers, now the decision, is where do I begin writing my story?
I’ve come to the position where my is closing one door an another is opening, so many things happened in my life. There is a huge gap in my life now as I wonder where I’m going to finish. I try looking around a corner for answers. I cannot let go of my old life altogether as there is two grown up daughters. I know the past is my life that was, but my new life is now created, I can involve my daughters. There will still be hurt, my healing will enable me to deal with the hurt. As time goes on the consequences will become clearer.
There are thoughts of challenges ahead, how do you let go of something that helped you survive? I am now the person I am today because of the life I led. I was able to get through the worst times of my life, because of the person I was. I had strength, even though I was wearing out. I felt there was someone looking out for me but did not know whom till now.
Writing this is going to be a challenge, I’ve struggled to get where I am. There is a desire for the healing of my mind body and spirit. The old story of my life rises from time to time manipulating my request to close the book on my old life over and over. Countless times my past rises and sabotages the path I have been following.
There is an outstretched hand reaching out to me, guiding me toward the light, footsteps invisible to the naked eye. Pulling me through the forest of life, I just have to never let go now, never turning back
I have started this process many times, never being able to complete the process. It has taken time, after all it was a lifetime I left behind. Maybe it is a lesson I have to learn, faith truth, trust, strength, courage. I struggled, a great deal over the past handful of years, it’s still all new. As a young person I lost my faith in God, but I have found my faith in God. When I was going through the thick of my healing, I felt so lost in all forms of life. I could not barely put two words together without stammering.
All of this time has led me up to this point. The next chapter, of my life, starting new pages that need to be written as I move forward. The changes that started a few short years ago, when the attempts at making a new life began. Now the new story begins, I have no idea what is going to happen, I know it’s beginning with an adventure and love of life. When I come home after January I wont stop writing or talking.
I know now, I just have to let go, the lessons of life will continue to flow. By letting go I can become more.
As I now close the old book of my life, It pushed me to live as I do now. It helped me become more than I could have ever thought I could be. I see all the moments that I have lived, I feel all the times I have failed and got back up, dusted myself off and started again. I have been resilient, in moving throughout my new life step by step.
I must use what I have learned, my willingness to heal, my faith is now relentless to believe.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.—Philippians4:6-7

January is going to be full, with a trip to the tennis, Australian open championships, for me all my dreams will come true. Turning 65 on centre court. I’ve come from nothing, I’ve grown as a person, full of courage, new found faith, and trust.
The unknowns and challenges leave me feeling anxious. I’ve achieved a great deal over the past few years. A new challenge is facing me as I said going to the Australian Open tennis, flying in a plane. Don’t laugh it is 46 yrs since I was on a plane. Planes now have engines not propellers. Making my way around Melbourne. I’ve been working on a to do list while I am there. I am remembering Paul’s words, “Don’t worry pray”
The word’s of Paul encourage us all. One thing I have come to realise “Life is not without uncertainties” as I read Paul’s words. What I continue to learn is God cares about our lives. All of us face major life transitions, family issues, health scares or most of all financial troubles. God has shown me, I can let go of my fears of the unknown, and stop worrying about what may or may not happen.
As I open the door to my next stage of life, I can rest in God’s promises, that his peace and understanding will guard my life as He does others. Guarding our heart and mind.
It is a blessing not to be anxious about anything, God reminds us we can come to Him about anything and everything. I praise God every morning for what He has done in my life and what He has done in many of my friends lives.
Knowing now God is in my life eases my mind, with prayer, we lift our anxiety
up to God and find comfort and peace in God’s hands. Replacing our anxiety with God’s trust.

(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

 

We never walk alone

Storm clouds roll through the night
lightening shatters the sky
the loud cry of the wind rips through me
The ocean rises, rolling high
My heart fills with terror
Despair I cannot leave
My thirst for peace gathers
In the quiet of the storm
Prayer fill my heart

When unable to think
My faith sometimes slips
Into the old ways
Friends that leave, betray
My heart longs, for those
Who left
There are times when night rolls through the day
Darkness has been endless
I wonder about the light of day
Longing again to see the light
When I see the light
Prayer has filled my heart

Feel, the gentle winds of the heavens
Sometimes I look to the heavens
Trying to feel the answers
I know God is walking with me
God lives in us all
He holds my hand as I walk
Just to know God is there
Watching over me
Night and day, he listens
When prayer fills my heart
Through all crisis pray
God leaves a puzzled heart
Un puzzled

(c)bjsscribbles

Taking positive action, living a dream

Protecting your dreams sometimes can come at a price, no-matter what I do now protect my dreams

Lately there have been so many things thrown at me, rocking me to the core, challenging me to stand and be counted. But I won’t quit my life and my new beliefs. My dream now is mine and I won’t let anyone take them from me. When there is criticism of my dreams, I question myself, I used to abandon my dreams, I felt destroyed. My dreams are a gift from God, from the heavens, I have struggled to get where I am, and my dreams have called for commitment. Life can be testing and has been testing me lately.

Storms have been brewing lately, gaining strength, I did stand firm, not budge, I haven’t wavered keeping myself firmly planted on the ground. Circumstances in life changed, changes, tests, a side of me has awakened that I have not known for such a long time. I love and enjoy get stuck into challenges now as I know I am succeeding.

Today I rise to the occasion, not falling into pieces; I remember the many times I fell into a heap. I didn’t know myself. I admit it takes all my strength to stay firm.

I have made my choices; my choice is made as I see what is happening in my life. Like purchasing a new little dog, it’s my choice, not everyone else’s. Believing what I have done is going to bring me success, giving me a chance to move forward again in my life. But if I believe it was wrong them it would be wrong and I would fall. I am stepping up in ways that are healthy for me and enabling me to handle pressure.

There are times when I’ve told myself to stay positive, been firm with myself, I did not want to feel anything. My heart had become harder, instead I now regroup and keep moving forward.

If you stay keeping hold of the old, you are glue to the past life. I created a new plan of attack with a completely new breed of dog. Lately I have felt  a very new person, getting to know her is so different. Actually the new Barb is exciting, I do feel exciting. Moving forward each day, not looking back to the past..

There were so many question about my life, all the “Why’s” and “Wherefores’” , believe me I have been in mental prison.  Opening the can of worms of my life has been healing. I no longer need that can of worms; today I stand for what is possible in my new life. Today I can make choices, conscious of success

No longer wanting to sink down into misery, I am making my life work for me.

 

©bjsscribbles

Brandy a silky Australian terrier

Has come into my life.

Peace and relaxation now, lately I have been thinking a great deal about getting a new puppy and finally one came into my life yesterday. I know the picture of her looks rough, I have her booked for Monday for a full spruce up. I made her bed up last night, she took one look at my bed and said that is where I am sleeping. I didn’t mind. In the photo she is having her first taste of yoghurt, all my dogs shared the empty yoghurt containers.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

(c)bjsscribbles

Our Inner thoughts

When we are dealing with thought, thoughts create problems, and a thought can be changed.

Our inner thoughts, our experiences, life experiences, are a product of our problems. My life changing experiences have taken me on a road of self-discovery, learning not to hate myself, thinking I was a bad person for staying so long in a relationship that was so toxic. My thoughts produced a feeling of anxiety for so many years, leading to PTSD.

It takes an experience of witnessing an assault last week for me to realise, I did not buy into the argument and was able to walk away. My anxiety did rise a little for a couple of days, but I recovered quickly. I drove the thoughts out of my mind changing the feelings of terror, fear. I did report the incident to the police and council. The feeling did leave me quickly.

I am working on controlling my anxiety and PTSD, not using it as an excuse to stay hovelled up in my apartment/unit.  Realising the past has no power, I can control the negativity, feeling free in the moment is so important to me now. My thoughts ruled me for so long, it is true, and the list of fears would be so long, fearful thoughts that ruled me for a life time.

It was a habit with me, thinking the same thought over and over, in the end the choice was mine to make. Today I try desperately not to go down the road of negative thoughts; I set it in my mind not to. For so many years I had no way of experiencing positive thoughts.

There are so many people with life experience that live long suffering life, self-hatred, guilt; I admit I am one of them. Today I work on changing my life on all levels and keeping my self-respect I won back. I always felt I am not good enough, the thoughts were pushed down my throat for so many years, I did not know how to get out. The other thought I used so often, “I don’t deserve this”. Turning life experience around

It’s taken me a long time to get life altogether, it’s still a work in progress. Something would always go wrong, when I thought everything was going to run perfectly for a while. Sometimes resentment creeps in along with guilt, fear still causing problems for me. It’s problems I created by taking on board problems. This has caused problem for my health and in my life. I can take responsibility for taking on board the life stress. We are all responsible for everything in our life. Taking responsibility for what I take on board in my thoughts has sent people elsewhere. Claiming my life, my thoughts, I am no longer a door mat, for abuse. (c)bjsscribbles

 

Strength and determination

Strength and determination
As uncertain as destiny
Gathers in our mind
Lightening moments, bolt, shock, stimulate
Frivolous in flight, strength and determination
With my head held hight
Determination gives strength
From soul to soul, across my world
As a birds wings flutter
And the thoughts we utter
As forests touch the wind
Wings flutter, across my world

Dreams galore gather
Clouding my vision
At times bitter thoughts have power
To hide gnawing, corroding, my mind
Destroying the brightest light
Think love in determination
There’s hope in strength anew
Dreaded thoughts, give determination
The right to succeed
Renovating a blessed life
With the sword of faith held high

(C)bjsscribbles

Being the creator of your life

Living my promises I made to myself, deep within my mind I buried them. Not wanting to go back to my promises. Deep within the forest covered in fog, year after year I desired to complete a simple challenge. So many unexpected challenges of life seemed to get in the way.

The storms of life came all so often, in those days my roots were not strong enough to hold on. As the storm brewed, a wind blew; I was pulled in so many directions, confusing my mind. My grounding, my morals, I was taught to be where I was no matter what happened. When the winds, thunder storms of life, blew, the storms of life refused to move.

Someone said, “Why not go over the writing you have done?” I have been thinking lately about the words, which have been written. Many words helping sort out my mind, those words are still there but are not appropriate anymore as I have moved forward. I realise how much, I have moved on and keeping the strength to keep doing so. Sometimes everyone needs to do so and I’ve done so lately. I am now the creator of my life and what it becomes.

Becoming the creator of the days of one’s life is something special. I do what I want now, when I want; I can just sit and dream if I wish. Oh! It is a pleasure. I am proud of my choices, the sense of freedom in life.

I’ve been seeking many answers to life, wondering which way to turn at times, these have been some of the greatest experiences. I’ve asked so many questions, as I walk the hills of the Barossa. The questions of life that come from the heart of my soul with God walking beside me..

I know I am home now; I am at peace with my destiny

Over the past few years I’ve been cleaning, casting out, the mess created in the past. The protective coating we hang onto unnecessarily.  A life times of stories being told, how to act, and all the words that were forced down my throat. Getting me to conform to ways of old, cover ups of life. It has taken me most of my life to have my eyes opened and to shed these parts of my life. I can now spend the last part of my life being me and walking the path that God has set out for me. Day by day I discover new feelings deep within my heart.

At times, I’ve had to rehash parts of my life seeking to get through to the other side of healing. I have achieved healing, but with sheer determination to get through to the other side. Without the healing of God and those that care I would not be where I am today. I would still be the person I was 6yrs ago.

 

My writing has been my therapy and those words, sharing has saved my life along with Salvation from God.

©bjsscribbles

 

 

 

 

 

 

The path to peace, can be simple

So many questions
Questions rattled my mind
Largely remained unanswered
I’ve been holding onto life
Till I realised it’s time to change

I’ve had glimpses of life
Leading to the way ahead
God has shown me small steps
Stepping stones to a world
Illuminated right in front of me
A sense of life in the big picture
Pieces still yet to be filled in
Yet leading me to what I needed to do and needed to let go of
I prayed and prayed earnestly, God showed me
How! the brain fog was lifted
It was so easy, to gain peace

The path to peace,
Can be simple if we let it
I felt as though
I was traveling along the path
But didn’t really know it
I just really needed to
Believe in myself
God was showing me a lesson in life

I wandered in a blur
For so many years, then,
There had been a silence that had fallen
Leaving enough space, to show me
Letting go, learn to let go, echoed
Where do I go next?
There are still parts of my life
I need to step back from

 

And so I am
I wont say it is easy
There are moments
When I fall into the old
Then turn commit to right choice
Again and again
Not looking back

 

.(c)bjsscribbles

 

Ephesians 6-10-18

 

 

Don’t be afraid, Don’t be threatened, peace is about
Be strong in faith
With the Helmet of God, there is strength in Salvation
Salvation in the mind protected by God
The mighty power of the hemet of salvation
Against the rulers that once controlled our mind
Binding the powers of the dark world
So that when the day of evil comes, you can stand your ground
Stand firm now with the breast plate of righteousness in God’s sprit, the belt of truth
Tucked around your waist, stand firm in righteousness and truth
Extinguish evil from your mind, free yourself to be alive
Lets mend the broken spirit with the sword of the spirit
There is a mystery of feelings that God can hear
Only he knows, Pray in the spirit, only God can give you salvation
God has heard so many stories, be alert, that when ever God speaks his words
The mystery of God’s world evolves, Your feet are now comfortable in readiness for all that comes in peace.

(c)bjsscribbles

Ephesians 6:10-18King James Version (KJV)

10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.

11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:

18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

A journey with God

When God came into my life
I knew there was a higher power
I did not know what I would feel
The feeling that has risen from dust
God knew, I was searching
He knew what he would see when he found me

God created us, he put us here on earth
To lead this life, I begun anew
Learning as I go
Sharing, giving what I can

God knew I would stumble
Oh! how I have fallen at times
He knew I would suffer
He knew I would call out
Sometimes crying out to Jesus

In desperation

So many mistakes, so many difficult choices
He knew that I would falter
Lessons I needed to learn from them
There were times, when it was more that I could take

I cried out

People told me, God had a plan for me
Oh! at times I wish I knew
From the very first day I was born
As you can tell, it’s frustrating at times
But soon I started to see His way

A new journey started

God was teaching me patience
How to grow in patience
If only I knew, slowly
Love, trust, strength, faith and Grace

A new life in God

The love the grew inside me
All the good, that you do
God has be noticing the changes I made
He has seen the work I’ve done

He has carried me
Placed his hands
On my shoulders
Knowing the pain I carried
In my heart, each and every day

Life brought me to my knees
Some gave up on me
God has kept the ones around
That are true

There came a day
When I saw
The hand of God at work
The love He has been sharing
God saved my life
God created my life for me

 

A journey with God
In Jesus name Amen

(c)bjsscribbles