My thoughts on my future

I’ve been devoting myself to moving forward completely with an unfaltering resolve to keep in the present. My desire to keep moving forward, my persistence actually is helping me break through the other side of life. For me the time is now, I had been holding to, too much life, when I really look back, there has been a battle going on, I can see it all now, one side didn’t want to let go, the other side was pleading with me to keep moving forward. No matter what hardships that may come my way.

Making the final decisions to lay down the past and grow with the wisdom, victory, worth and dreams, I’ve had over the years, putting them all in practice. I’ve dug deep into my character to get this far, I’ve stalled over and over, recently now I have to achieve in my own mind. There was ti e when it was for good reason that I stalled, but a lot of the time I wasn’t prepared to challenge myself now I am.

I’ve talked a great deal about letting go of the past, there has been tension lately with finally letting go. There was fear, that if I did let go things would fall back and get worse, not better. Images were created in my head, there is times when your head is very convincing, compelling you to not move forward

Now I must because I can move forward, I remember questioning myself so many times, why? “Why must I do this or that?, why? Must I be apprehensive about doing everything”

I feel as though I am now living for the first time, because I can!!

We are all given the gift of life from God and the ability to create life in which ever way we choose. For so many years I hid in fear, not allowing myself the process of growing, today as I see myself changing from the depths of my heart, I feel happy for the first time. But the choice to change is ours and ours alone.

I’ve made some decisions lately to go for it and accept the challenges before me, and stop the wondering. I feel, I want to see what life is like outside the square. Brain fog affected me for so long. I have no idea truly what to expect if I don’t go forward. I am being truly honest with myself as I sit here typing. Feeling truly alive and ready for whatever comes my way.

.Walking out onto the path not yet known, or where I was going all but a few years ago. I knew nothing of life, all I know it wasn’t the place I wanted to be. So I set out in an unknown direction, towards an unknown goal. Any movement during that time was a good thing, I was running, running from a life of terror. While all the places I’ve been were part of the path, but they weren’t the place of rest. I see now the journey was meant to pressure me into becoming more. More than a thousand days later, here I am making a decision to wander further along a new path. But this time it’s different, it’s a path I’ve chosen, a path I believe in. This one I’ve seen in my mind finally surrendered to my own path given me strength, courage and persistence.

 

I am surprised at the many things I’ve learned about myself, I’ve dive further than ever before in my life. I’ve witnessed the habits of old, I’ve seen new insights into the real meaning of love that is inextinguishable. Keeping myself from the world till now I’ve come to understand why I still exist.

When you wrestle with Satan and his serpents trying to keep them under control, I nearly drowned, defeated, abused, and used by all. In all of my failures in life, I’ve cast out the demons of Satan and his serpents. There are many who thought I would’ve quit, I haven’t allowed them to win. I’ve been finally resolving my life and getting it right. The quiet the solitude, these are places I truly enjoy and become whom I truly am. The picture wasn’t always pretty, but I’ve seen the truth without shying away from whom I truly am. The scene makes me appreciate the world I live in.

I became determined to turn the cards that were dealt me, fear, grasping at avoidance of life, the confusion that had been in my brain for year gone.. What I am now will not be the end of my life, when I came home from Melbourne I realised the world was my oyster. I was just beginning. The skies were witnessing me from above as I listen to Gods creatures in the morning. Every step I have taken has been along the path, I’ve never been lost, I was always there waiting for God to find me. When I feel I’ve taken a step backwards, I realise now I was taking a steps forward.

I was finding my way the entire time, I’ve been only starting to discover the footsteps I’ve taken, no matter how I viewed them, have been the steps to find who I truly am.

Every mistake, every fall, every step has been the way forward, they all led me to where I am now. Painful times, that were not meant to be, things happened in my life, there was so much I have learned from the power of God. They were things I needed to learn, in able to become who I am. There were many pointing fingers, yet I am awakening. The events of the past are now like a dream, they happened, by remembering whom I am, I can turn the past into something beautiful. No matter how dark the past was, there is always a light that comes into the present.

Now I am repainting the scenes of my life, no-one else can travel the path now I’ve set before me, the rocks in the river can be moved, the barriers we put up before us can be broken. It’s hard work, but it can be done. I’ve shifted my barriers, moved the rocks in the river. Moving forward in trust and faith, trusting your heart, trusting who you really are is one of the hardest thing you have to do. Before I discovered a fraction of who I was, slowly awakening now I discover how much time I have in front of me. I have many times in my lifetime left my mind, lets say on a shelf forgetting to pick it up.

All of the time I spent struggling, and battling, that time I am reclaiming, I’ve made a choice. I remind myself now I was never lost, I was just walking followed by God who was waiting for me to turn and ask for help.

 

 

 

 

 

Silence in the unknowns

My Footsteps search new places
Places I’ve never been before
The shifting sands that speak
Footsteps in desert sands
Speak to my soul
Introduced unknowns
One free whisper
Brings comfort in solitude
Silence in the unknowns
I hear them welcoming me
Footstep calling me for such a long time
Quiet me down, seek and discover
Knock and a door will open
Ask and receive new lands
They breathe the air of realisations
That littered my life,
Making changes, clarity
I’ve connected the dots lately
Where only a short time ago I was lost
I still have unanswered questions

Divided by roads not yet taken
Those roads are becoming closer
As I walk through the next coming days
Those questions, I will leave, for now
While I move into the next phase of my life
No more pushing and pulling at my heart
I know, answers will arrive
From the heights of the mountain forests
There is no time limit
Don’t rush, let it be

I don’t feel alone anymore
I feel more connected
I feel the footsteps of God
Across the desert sands to the mountains
There is love that has always been there
Love that is growing
I found something deeper
That I avoided for a life time

 

It was always meant to happen
I lived in denial for so long
Finally answering the call of God
You can always try and avoid the call of God
But the truth is always there
Shinning the beacon light of God
Despite your attempts to stay hidden
Step into the light

You may not know where you are for a time
I know I didn’t know where I was
The feeling of being lost arrives at moments
You’re beyond where you once were
You’ve moved past the past, you’re experiencing new things
You’re growing, comes all of the greatness of life and adventures

To heal and regenerate body, mind, and soul
I had no idea of what to expect, my emotions,
My thoughts, my faith has grown
My guidance from God
For me that’s enough
Faith, trust, and the grace of God
.
I know I can do this, the wind will blow
Calling me to something great
Things will change the course of my life
One step at a time
Divided by roads not yet taken
Those roads are becoming closer
(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

 

Our Inner thoughts

When we are dealing with thought, thoughts create problems, and a thought can be changed.

Our inner thoughts, our experiences, life experiences, are a product of our problems. My life changing experiences have taken me on a road of self-discovery, learning not to hate myself, thinking I was a bad person for staying so long in a relationship that was so toxic. My thoughts produced a feeling of anxiety for so many years, leading to PTSD.

It takes an experience of witnessing an assault last week for me to realise, I did not buy into the argument and was able to walk away. My anxiety did rise a little for a couple of days, but I recovered quickly. I drove the thoughts out of my mind changing the feelings of terror, fear. I did report the incident to the police and council. The feeling did leave me quickly.

I am working on controlling my anxiety and PTSD, not using it as an excuse to stay hovelled up in my apartment/unit.  Realising the past has no power, I can control the negativity, feeling free in the moment is so important to me now. My thoughts ruled me for so long, it is true, and the list of fears would be so long, fearful thoughts that ruled me for a life time.

It was a habit with me, thinking the same thought over and over, in the end the choice was mine to make. Today I try desperately not to go down the road of negative thoughts; I set it in my mind not to. For so many years I had no way of experiencing positive thoughts.

There are so many people with life experience that live long suffering life, self-hatred, guilt; I admit I am one of them. Today I work on changing my life on all levels and keeping my self-respect I won back. I always felt I am not good enough, the thoughts were pushed down my throat for so many years, I did not know how to get out. The other thought I used so often, “I don’t deserve this”. Turning life experience around

It’s taken me a long time to get life altogether, it’s still a work in progress. Something would always go wrong, when I thought everything was going to run perfectly for a while. Sometimes resentment creeps in along with guilt, fear still causing problems for me. It’s problems I created by taking on board problems. This has caused problem for my health and in my life. I can take responsibility for taking on board the life stress. We are all responsible for everything in our life. Taking responsibility for what I take on board in my thoughts has sent people elsewhere. Claiming my life, my thoughts, I am no longer a door mat, for abuse. (c)bjsscribbles

 

There is a stillness in the air.

I found my deep sense of truth when I settled in a sleepy valley; I walked the ridges, hills, which bring a swift chill on a spring morning as you walk. Spending time here on my own, I held onto so many questions, I’ve needed answers for so many years. Interestingly while I know it would be beneficial to have answers, I didn’t know how hard it would be to reflect on the answers.

There is something about wandering, the trails of a sleepy valley, it brings out the joy, the spirit of God flows in my heart when I walk. There is a stillness that makes me delve into a deeper level of conversation with God. There is nothing between me and God to disturb our conversation, no outside influences. Just me, the fresh air how great the feeling.

Life becomes so much clearer as I walk; constant chatter from white noise disappears. It’s just me being me; no mask is needed as I walk. It just you or me walking, it can be challenging. During good and bad days, when I’m down walking is hard.

A liberating as walking is, there is always work to do. I see a path as I walk, I wonder where it will lead or if I was meant to travel this path. So many things I let go of as I walk. Disappointments, achievements, yet I create my life. Sometimes opportunities I see for a quick moment, God’s vision for me.

Now as each day rolls into one sometimes, I realise it’s the way life has always been. There’s no more to add or anything else to take away, or to place in a box closing the lid and forgetting that part of life happened. As hard as it is to let go of annoying habits, that have haunted me for many years. Today there are still possibilities. Now life is revealed, and everything has a clear intention.

Many things will change for me over the next few months and into the New Year. I have discovered a new world with God. I know I’m not done yet, there is so much more life ahead of me, I’ve had a taste of life and new experiences

Many things are going to change over this year. Last year with all of my traveling represented a opportunity for discovering the world. I know I’m not done yet but I’ve had a great taste of what that experience is like. My world has changed.

(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

 

 

A journey with God

When God came into my life
I knew there was a higher power
I did not know what I would feel
The feeling that has risen from dust
God knew, I was searching
He knew what he would see when he found me

God created us, he put us here on earth
To lead this life, I begun anew
Learning as I go
Sharing, giving what I can

God knew I would stumble
Oh! how I have fallen at times
He knew I would suffer
He knew I would call out
Sometimes crying out to Jesus

In desperation

So many mistakes, so many difficult choices
He knew that I would falter
Lessons I needed to learn from them
There were times, when it was more that I could take

I cried out

People told me, God had a plan for me
Oh! at times I wish I knew
From the very first day I was born
As you can tell, it’s frustrating at times
But soon I started to see His way

A new journey started

God was teaching me patience
How to grow in patience
If only I knew, slowly
Love, trust, strength, faith and Grace

A new life in God

The love the grew inside me
All the good, that you do
God has be noticing the changes I made
He has seen the work I’ve done

He has carried me
Placed his hands
On my shoulders
Knowing the pain I carried
In my heart, each and every day

Life brought me to my knees
Some gave up on me
God has kept the ones around
That are true

There came a day
When I saw
The hand of God at work
The love He has been sharing
God saved my life
God created my life for me

 

A journey with God
In Jesus name Amen

(c)bjsscribbles

God’s deep voice

Lately I have needed to hear God’s voice immensely, suddenly life arrived again. Stress coveted my body again. I needed time to release and hear God’s voice. Maybe during that time I forgot prayer for awhile, sometimes the old ways creep in. Leaving that door open for the devil to creep in. Reminding me to keep in the word of God.

The seas have followed me
by slow shores, through
All the years
Lifting my heart
Beckoning

My heart now in song
My tears heard the song
My tears now quenched
Reasoning in nature
Existing

Hands laid upon my head
Whispers and sorrows led away
Ghastly shadows creep in
And in certain order
Choke my voice
I hear a voice
Perhaps Gods, deep voice is calling
Restored by gentle fingers
Placed upon my head

I cling to his fingers
Large dramatic fingers
But not forever
Through the waves of the seas that followed me
The seas will raise my song again

God’s deep voice calling

(c)bjsscribbles

I woke up yesterday

I woke up yesterday as I do each morning now, reaching for the kettle to make a cup of coffee. I thought to myself, “I am the best; I’ve been in a long time.”

There was a path to travel, laid out before me many years ago, I didn’t know it then as I do now. Now it is the time to travel the next path, I don’t know where it will lead, but I do know it is there. Experiencing freedom within one’s self is amazing as you walk with God close by. There is no sense of panic now, or any missing pieces, it is just clarity for the first time in my life.

When I left my home in Adelaide a short while ago, there was so many stories built up in my life, a very personal story. Why I was doing so much, and what my life meant to me. Truth is so important and incredibly valuable. A great deal of my life will stay very close to my heart.

However as the years have now gathered around me, I have carried on in my life, so many thing have changed. I’ve experienced many different things, and they have changed me. Settling where I have has slowly changed my heart, appreciating the smaller things, more importantly, settling into truly enjoying my own company, without trying to get to be somewhere else in life’s journey. I am home now.

I have traveled this great land Australia, listened to music, walked the many beaches of Australia. Now I realise there has been many happy moments in my life, with those special to me. Exploring the desert of Australia with my dogs, watching them frolic and play. Life is good

I lived, my life and have experienced much more in life than I ever thought I would, now I am living more than ever before. My experiences have served me well, now I am in contact with life and what is happening, my life has not been full of glamour, I’ve worked through the many rough patches. But most of all my life has given me clarity. My life path is now glowing so much clearer.

I am now walking the path and doing things I need to do. For this first time in my life I know what is right for me. I am committed to myself, making every effort to what is right. I have a chance now to live and I am taking it. When this year started I never expected the events to unfold the way they have, but life has now shaped me and helped me understand who I am. No matter what challenges may come my way, I can do this.

My journey is not over it is just changing, the season of life, I am now prepared for. Thoughts and doubts that surrounded me have gone. It taught me through space and time what truly mattered to me and I wouldn’t change my walk for the entire world.

I fit in now, all there is to do is to follow the path every single day God has set out for me

 

It’s time now for me to evolve, my story of life is engulf in my blog, it’s just a story in prose. The way life now has changed me, or how I see life. It doesn’t me it’s the way it is going to be. Over a short time I have changed, my words have changed me. I was tired depressed, oppressed, full of anxiety, I did not want to be that person anymore.

I was on a path to destruction, too frightened to speak, I could barely put too words together. I knew if I didn’t change, I would never change. I would not be alive now.

 

My blog has been a process of change, I have healed through the power of God, I have grieved for what I lost, I have moved on. Day by day, through my actions, through my changes, I am now living in the future. I don’t know where it is going to lead me, only God knows that, I don’t really wish to know.

Have you ever chosen something and wondered why? It is exactly what I have done in my life, God knew I would turn to him. I achieved life.

We can changed our lives and live, no-matter which way we go about it all. Life will not be perfect, but the future depends on today. The seeds of life were planted for me by a now good friend, helping me now to love and enjoy life today.

You can find your life. I did.

 

(c)bjscribbles

The inner soul

Lately I have struggled with my thoughts, there has been a great deal going on in my life. Turning to God has saved me more and more each day. Keeping me moving forward, I have been moving forward but I have struggled to write. The more I think I am getting there, I seem to take a step back.

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Music of life, created day and night
My nature is that of music
My lips have stammered
My sound has struggled
I utter a silent sound
Not able to fulfill the need of others
Dreams, thought, feelings interlaced
Inwardly, all senses answer the call
Tunes, so mysterious to the ear
Which step out to greet, granting infinite pleasure
From the darkness of the night, to the light of day
The soul I struggle to bear, the song of  my soul,
My inner soul has struggled
Through the portals of hearing, the beauty
Now of night, utter all sounds
Thunder now of night, breaks its own cloud
My flesh shivers, before my soul

(C) bjsscribbles

There is one who came for us

Call the Holy Spirit
“Come to my soul, Holy Spirit”
Fill my soul, with your presence
I feel an awe when I know You are near
Always as I breathe, Your Spirit
Your desire
To teach us all,
Your pleasure to show
The gentle flow of Your Spirit
Teaches us to grow
To those who believe
A comforter has come
The Holy Spirit
I am one
Who thought
There is other ways
Now I ask the God the Father
As I lay my troubles at the cross
Jesus shows me the way
With, Faith, Truth, Strength, Courage
There is no other God
There are powers, beyond the realm
Mighty powers we fight
Jesus rose on the third day
Fight of the power of the devil
Dear, Heavenly Father, I feel your Spirit
In the breath I breathe,
I worship You each day
My quiet time I dwell on You
While I wait for You to come
In Jesus name Amen
Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

For God is Love

A river flows through my body
I am a river
I have been lost in a river
Flowing from God’s sea
God mapped my course for me, through devious ways
I am a river, it’s mine to toil, yet I cannot change it
I try to keep the waters, free, flowing freely
The story of my river start where it ends
Winding
A whish of perfume gathers in the air
Healing from the grasses as my river passes
As I gather my daily course, and return to the source
Of my river that passes through my body
The current moves swiftly as I go
Tears from my river flow, returning to God’s sea
From which all rivers rise, gathering glistening stones and gems
I leap with Joy, as I follow my winding river
Over valley covered in flowers
I leave the valley, untouched
Not devastated, but comforted in my heart
For others to follow
Knowing that God planned my ways
And is standing near, I follow the path
Along my river
God left for me, bravely without fear
Love has sent me in search of God
For God is Love
In Jesus name..Amen
(c)bjsscribbles