If only

 

My changing face of life came late in life, but my life is still a work in progress. My face has not changed but the mask that I wore for so many years has changed.

 

Would life be so much simpler if we could lift that mask early in life? For some of us it just doesn’t happen till we are ready.

I was so uncomfortable, trying to be someone, I wasn’t. I wore the mask of someone in pain during my life for a long time. Wearing that face, I became someone so alone unable, to connect fully with people. I don’t know fully how it all happened, I do really, and it was from a time when I was so oppressed in life. For far too many years, I was insignificant. I still get nervous in crowds but life is getting easier. I try to play down my achievements for some reason. I am not sure, I think it was because my Dad was such a humble person. I am now starting to show the world what I have achieved even in my writing.

 

You can come out the other side, but still I am apprehensive about what scares me.

 

I faced so many fears as I worked with my psychologist; I have developed more courage, more strength in the past few months. I actually partly have been running on adrenaline with some of the things I have been doing. I am amazed what I am capable of. I think as I face new challenges in life, the fear has given me strength to keep moving forward.

I think of some of the things I achieved since I have been on my own, I have done out of fear. I traveled Australia. I did it on my own. There was a great deal of people out there doing the same as me; few were single women with a couple of dogs. Settling in a strange town on my own, facing barrages of questions, “Who are you?” everyone desiring to know who this strange person was with two dogs. “Where are you from?” what drove you to this place? There were so many questions I didn’t wish to answer, but slowly I did.

 

I am not in the same place; I challenge myself now to different answers. I am a different person now.

I feel I am on top of the mountain now. It’s been a slow climb, but I made it.

I had this moment up on the top of the mountain that is hard to explain. A deep feeling of emotion lately. Being able to breathe, without panic.

When I journey now, where ever I journey, I look up into the sky, “I have arrived, thank you for giving me life” I am going to keep doing, what I am doing, journeying outside my comfort zone. To challenge myself, body and mind, to be stronger each day than I ever was in life.

Finding you, myself, I have developed different beliefs; I attempt things I have never done before in my life. Not settling for mediocrity.

Facing what is thrown at you in life is hard work, learning to face yourself every day, challenging yourself to try and do things you have never done before. This is hard. At first, I found it very easy to stay huddled up, wallowing in self-pity, it seemed the easy way out. Then I found I, had to get out there and live, not being walked on by everyone else.  Climbing those mountains life challenges, I had to take those challenges on to see what happens. Why not give a mountain challenge with God on your side and see what happens.

The mountains, the challenges I have faced will stay with me for a long time. It signifies special moments in my life. Taking down the mask of life and putting myself to the test of life.

Writing my blog has enabled me to see how far I have traveled, how much I have faced in my journey.

Everyone has faced mountains in their life, when we do we take the experience with us and grow building us up, instead of bringing us down. The mask of life only comes off when we go outside our self and journey beyond our comfort zone.

My scenes of my life I have created help me make decisions to tear down the many masks I wore and face my fears.

 

How many mountains have you climbed? Can you repeal the many masks of life?

(c)bjsscribbles

 

The original image God created in his eyes.

Do you remember when?
Someone told you something about yourself
Belonging only to itself
You realise later it was a lie about yourself
I remember so many lies that were told
They told you, that you do this or that wrong
You were this way or that way
Oh! how insignificant you were made feel
And for all different sorts or reasons
You might not even understand
When something happened it was your fault
Oh! how insignificant you were made feel
Your brain, so locked in, the process
Believing all the words
I walked about for years
Have you walked about for years?
Till help arrives, it mounts into an entire life
Believing in this lie, You were fed so long ago
You thought you were that way…
Turn around now and look at yourself
You’re not that way, believe in yourself
No one know you better than you know you
Look at the words that were said about you
Really look, question those words, and you will see
Look into your heart and you will see
You will remember there is a person inside you
I know I did
I found me
The memory of a loving, caring mother, a compassionate mother.
The story goes on
So have courage
Search and you will find you
The original image God created in his eyes.
I see me now, I’ve taken a step forward to be counted

(c)bjsscribbles

The demons

 

Planting Some New Seeds in my life, I’m not sure when they were planted, but deep down they must have been. For the latter years of my marriage I found myself wandering, in my mind. Where it was leading me I did not know.

For many hours I found myself walking trying to escape, wandering yet not lost. I wandered in an about the trees across many parks. Downtrodden for many years, I listened to many whispers, whispers within my mind. How to escape, the turmoil within, there was no-where to go. I had built a home a family, but it was all lost in a maze of Alcohol and abuse. Yet I still had no-where to go.

I kept asking myself how do I breathe, I was tired, tired of life, the more I tried to plan an escape, I kept getting talked into staying. I had focus for so long on what was going on. What I had built was lost, leading to my realization there was nothing left in my life for me. Is that wrong, a desire to find an individual inside a soul that was dying.

I just desired a breath of life. I can really see now how tired of living I was, I know if I had stayed I would not be  writing this.

The demons that sat deep within my soul, I have finally dealt with, the PTSD that would trigger if someone did something out of place. Something simple would upset my day. I wondered would I ever be free of my past. I know now I will live with them, but it would not upset me as bad now I have dealt with them, with my psychologist. For now they are quieted down, through sheer determination to be able to live free. They may rise again, but I know how to deal with them now.

I’ve struggled with my past and how much it has affected my life now, I’ve thought a lot about it. There topics that come up in different situations I shy away from, I don’t need that talk, I am healed. My life is mine now. Maybe there is still a little healing to do, that will happen in time.

The journey I have taken to healing has been mine, my past is mine, but now it is the past, my healing has happened in many different areas. Reclaiming my life has been a powerful experience. The healing has not been easy, but it was necessary.

I am not sure why I stayed so long, I know fear and no-where to go was one of the main reasons. The path I was on was not good. I was always hopping life and promises would turn our lives around. But the promises never came to fruition. Most women in my situation do stay out of fear and leave up to 9 times. I had no idea what I should be doing; I still had no-where to go.

The more I write, the struggle to get where I am today, has been so valuable, to help keeping me moving forward. Who I am today, is not who I was, when I walked away. The struggle helped me understand what it means when I look at myself today. It has been a painful process, peeling away the person I was and developing a new and refreshed person. Untying the chains of the past is always a challenge, I remember the first time I heard “Amazing Grace” after I walked into a church for the first time, I cried, buckets of tears.

I did not think I would be this free, in 6 short years, discovering the heart is pure joy, discovering God and feeling whole is so important.

©bjsscribbles

Not hiding the shame

Lately I have started walking in my life openly, talking more about the life I led before I came to the place I am at now. I don’t hide what happened in my life anymore, it is such a great feeling to live openly and honestly.

___________________________________________

 

 

We live a life
Sometimes not talking
Hiding the shame of life

Yet there comes a time
When we need to talk
Not hiding the shame
My shame covered me
Covered my life
I find now

It’s okay, to say, “I’m not Okay”
There are days when we can ask, “RU Okay”
Because in life sometimes, we are not really okay

Ever tried putting up a smile
Trying to convince everyone
You’re alright, it’s hard work

For years, I live my life like that
Hiding behind a smile, believing
Before achieving
When you are hurt
Really hurt emotionally
Or physically
You don’t have to hide
Or pretend

For a long time I hid my wounds
Till I found I was not alone
We all have wounds
After all we are individuals and human
To be real, and authentic
Is a challenge till we do
We will never heal

I pretended for so many years
My soul knew the truth
It knew I was hiding, lying
Healing came slowly, honestly
And with compassion
Love, forgiving, learning

Healing came as I walked into the dark side of my life
Not hiding, as I walked out of the dark and toward the light of God
I learned I was walking in the light, discover the light

(c)bjsscribbles

 

Not knowing & Learning

 

This minute I am thinking
When I arrived, I needed to stay open
I was shut of from the world so long
Now I never shut myself off, never close down
Keep the doors open to life
I had to learn

Depression closes doors
Open the doors and you will live
There will be times
When you will be wounded
You will suffer
There have been times
When I have stayed in bed all day
Hidden from the world

Today on the other side
With everything behind
The renewal of life is before me
Staying open to the world
Open your heart to the world

There is so many surprises
The world will invite you
Treat you, Teach you new ways
Shape you, let life in
And you will find
A world full of magic

With God at Your side

 

(C)bjsscribbles

Trusting in God’s Salvation

I have a cup of warm soup beside me; it is cold and wet in South Australia. I look out of my window and find rain is doing my garden good. I’ve done the work settling myself, now all I wish to do is sit and look at my garden without the work, but there are no shortcuts in life.  Even when you say, “I’ve done enough in my life.”

 

“I want that look,” I said wistfully to myself, “without all the work.” My friends have big gardens when I visit I am able to enjoy without the work. The last few years have been a great deal of work, getting my life on track.

I have done a great deal of work this year, discovering the ability to enjoy shortcuts, when it is practical. In 2016 I was given the okay to stop seeing my psychologist, but I discovered earlier this year 2017 it was too soon to stop. I had a PTSD attack of the worst kind. I felt dead on the inside and was vomiting. I wanted the greatness of life without finishing the work I started; there were risks involved by taking my journey another step further. I was pleasing God and giving him the rewards for my healing, but I soon discovered I had to take the next step.  The next step was the power of “Imagery” in psychology, in my experience it has been a powerful tool in healing. It has done wonders for me

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-imagery/

We desire to please God, but not when it inconveniences us.

In my walk with God I have come to learn there is no shortcuts, once I turned my life over to God, it was all or nothing. God pulled me up out of the gutter and saved my life. There is no turning my back on God now. My life has changed radically.

A friend once told me, “God will repay what was stolen from you”, I cannot remember the exact words. By turning my faith to Jesus, the first day I walked into a church not so long ago. To be honest, I could not remember when I was last in a church, now-a-days it is every weekend. But it all has been so worth it. God has not given up on me; I live a joyful life, a peaceful life now, walking with God each day

It has not been easy turning my life to God, but it is so worth it.

Psalm 130:4 But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can …

But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you. …

But you offer forgiveness, that we might learn to fear you. …

Luke 1:77 to give his people the knowledge of salvation through …

to give his people the knowledge of salvation through the forgiveness of their sins …

Daniel 5:17 Then Daniel answered the king, “You may keep your …

Then Daniel answered the king, “You may keep your gifts for yourself and

give your rewards to someone else. Nevertheless, I will …

 

Daniel 2:6 But if you tell me the dream and explain it, you will …

But if you tell me the dream and explain it, you will receive from me gifts

and rewards and great honor. So tell me the dream and …

 

1 Samuel 26:23 The LORD rewards everyone for their righteousness …

The LORD rewards everyone for their righteousness and faithfulness. The … The

LORD rewards each man for his integrity and loyalty. Even …

 

Isaiah 1:23 Your rulers are rebels, partners with thieves; they …

… Your rulers are rebels And companions of thieves; Everyone loves a bribe

And chases after rewards. They do not defend the orphan …

(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

I woke up yesterday

I woke up yesterday as I do each morning now, reaching for the kettle to make a cup of coffee. I thought to myself, “I am the best; I’ve been in a long time.”

There was a path to travel, laid out before me many years ago, I didn’t know it then as I do now. Now it is the time to travel the next path, I don’t know where it will lead, but I do know it is there. Experiencing freedom within one’s self is amazing as you walk with God close by. There is no sense of panic now, or any missing pieces, it is just clarity for the first time in my life.

When I left my home in Adelaide a short while ago, there was so many stories built up in my life, a very personal story. Why I was doing so much, and what my life meant to me. Truth is so important and incredibly valuable. A great deal of my life will stay very close to my heart.

However as the years have now gathered around me, I have carried on in my life, so many thing have changed. I’ve experienced many different things, and they have changed me. Settling where I have has slowly changed my heart, appreciating the smaller things, more importantly, settling into truly enjoying my own company, without trying to get to be somewhere else in life’s journey. I am home now.

I have traveled this great land Australia, listened to music, walked the many beaches of Australia. Now I realise there has been many happy moments in my life, with those special to me. Exploring the desert of Australia with my dogs, watching them frolic and play. Life is good

I lived, my life and have experienced much more in life than I ever thought I would, now I am living more than ever before. My experiences have served me well, now I am in contact with life and what is happening, my life has not been full of glamour, I’ve worked through the many rough patches. But most of all my life has given me clarity. My life path is now glowing so much clearer.

I am now walking the path and doing things I need to do. For this first time in my life I know what is right for me. I am committed to myself, making every effort to what is right. I have a chance now to live and I am taking it. When this year started I never expected the events to unfold the way they have, but life has now shaped me and helped me understand who I am. No matter what challenges may come my way, I can do this.

My journey is not over it is just changing, the season of life, I am now prepared for. Thoughts and doubts that surrounded me have gone. It taught me through space and time what truly mattered to me and I wouldn’t change my walk for the entire world.

I fit in now, all there is to do is to follow the path every single day God has set out for me

 

It’s time now for me to evolve, my story of life is engulf in my blog, it’s just a story in prose. The way life now has changed me, or how I see life. It doesn’t me it’s the way it is going to be. Over a short time I have changed, my words have changed me. I was tired depressed, oppressed, full of anxiety, I did not want to be that person anymore.

I was on a path to destruction, too frightened to speak, I could barely put too words together. I knew if I didn’t change, I would never change. I would not be alive now.

 

My blog has been a process of change, I have healed through the power of God, I have grieved for what I lost, I have moved on. Day by day, through my actions, through my changes, I am now living in the future. I don’t know where it is going to lead me, only God knows that, I don’t really wish to know.

Have you ever chosen something and wondered why? It is exactly what I have done in my life, God knew I would turn to him. I achieved life.

We can changed our lives and live, no-matter which way we go about it all. Life will not be perfect, but the future depends on today. The seeds of life were planted for me by a now good friend, helping me now to love and enjoy life today.

You can find your life. I did.

 

(c)bjscribbles