After living for so many years as an oppressed person, change was difficult for me. As I started to grow as an individual making decisions for myself, enjoying life for the first time in decades. I have felt deeply about the sudden changes in my life. My feelings have been that of joy and happiness, sometimes sadness because I have had to stand on my own and make decisions that are for the rest of my life. The changes in life situations have been for the better, it doesn’t mean it has been easy. Lately feelings rose again, I am growing within myself, yet people find it hard to accept I have changed. People I have known all my life.
As I grow more there is a deep shift away from a former way of life, towards a life of confidence.
I’ve been doing a great deal of reading lately with the help of my psychologist about assertiveness, plus when you are under assertion. That was me for decades, never expressing my feelings; my feelings were curtailed by everyone around me. My needs and opinions were placed as second to others. My rights to communicate were not met. I often ended up doing what others wanted not what I wanted or needed in my life. Emotionally, unassertiveness eroded my self-esteem. I have criticized myself for not being able to speak for myself over the decades, but when you were controlled for so much of your life; it takes a long time to get to the stage where your voice is heard. There was so much anger, bitterness, resentment, disappointment bottle up for decades. Such feelings were imploding inside my body causing panic an anxiety that I did not know how to control. I can see now where being unassertive has affected my life. I really do know there is another way of life. The shift inside me is for the better.
Many things inside me have been excited, and there is a lot more to come, as I clear out old feelings. Motoring around my feeling of panic an anxiety is pretty heart and soul wrenching, I do have some good memories of my life. I need to place to memories in a box, and bring them out only when I need. It has also made me think lately about looking after my wellbeing.
I spent a lot of time as the peace maker, sacrificing myself, giving in to mend situations. Placing myself in peril. I am not the only one in life that has had to do that in the world. Deep in my heart, I knew, I finally had to let go and walk away for many reasons. My world was broken. Leading me now to walk with God, there have been a few situations this year where I have huddled in a corner frightened to come out, I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t help it.
We are coming to the last few months of the year, I have wondered where it has all gone, and for the most part it has been a healing year. I am very reflective of my journey; it has been a long road. Soon it will be my 65th year and I reflect on my journey more. There have been so many things that happened in just a few short years. I do not know what is coming up for me down the line. I’ve seen a great deal of the old ways of life disappear and new ways evolve more. My standards of life have grown
My walls were up, hardening myself, building that boundary not letting anyone in for so many years. Slowly it has come down softening my heart. When I was first on my own, I didn’t wish to have anyone have that power over me anymore, I didn’t let anyone in. I lost, but soon realized it is a new life. I admit I made mistakes, I am far from perfect, and my morals are true to God and myself. Life is going to be good. As I heal further.
2 Corinthians 5:11-21
11 Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are made manifest unto God; and I trust also are made manifest in your consciences.
12 For we commend not ourselves again unto you, but give you occasion to glory on our behalf, that ye may have somewhat to answer them which glory in appearance, and not in heart.
13 For whether we be beside ourselves, it is to God: or whether we be sober, it is for your cause.
14 For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead:
15 And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.
16 Wherefore henceforth know we no man after the flesh: yea, though we have known Christ after the flesh, yet now henceforth know we him no more.
17 Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
18 And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation;
19 To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation.
20 Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ’s stead, be ye reconciled to God.
21 For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.