Standing up to all the demons in my life

There have been times over the years, where I wanted to throw in the towel, give in and quit. But I have held on progressing further each day.

It has taken all my strength to hold standing up to all the demons in my life. I’ve taken a complete new road, walking with God. I’m staying away from the wolves, keeping away from the prey. The wolves are just around the corner, waiting for me to fail, attacking at the greatest moment of weakness.

 

I keep reminding myself, stay strong, hold firm it’s my life now. The odds were well and truly stacked up against me when I first walked away from life, there was no-one who believed in me or what I was doing. I dug into my faith started searching for a new way of life. I knew there had to be another way to live, I couldn’t go back. I began to live the way of the gospel my belief grew an I reminded myself why I was doing it. No-one could take my journey it was my choice.

Many showed their opinions feeding doubt into my mind and soul, despite their best intentions. It was never about me or what I was doing, it was always about them. It was their fear speaking not mine. It was the sense of possibility showing about my choices.

I have travelled a path others in my life couldn’t achieve, silencing the outside voices in my life. I admit there is a silence in my heart, it is a fear, I tell myself, “Don’t soften, endure” Hold on tight, you are there for the long ride.

I have been challenged in many ways lately, as I continue to believe, my hearts desire to know more about the gospel, my thirst for adventure, to spread my wings further. I’ve been looking back over the years, since I left my home, my increased faith, it has been unconventional but my life now is true and good.

 

Though challenges, have been many, especially those of the devil, yet I know deep down, somewhere inside, my heart has shone, that has been the most poignant part of my journey. I could have quite a long time ago ended this journey abandoned, time and time again. Giving to wolves their biggest opportunity ever to consume my life again

I could of conducted my life differently, that would’ve set me down many other paths. For some reason I chose the way of the gospel, no-matter what arrives now, I’ve been able to follow my faith, walking with God. Maintaining my faith is important to me now.

There are times when I feel as though I am walking through my life in a blur, maybe it’s the demons trying to attack. Staying in touch with God, putting on the Helmet of Salvation. I feel my heart is guided by my sense of faith.

Faith is no accident, there is something truly there for me, faith that I can continue. My life is now worth something, ablaze with all the aspects of life. Without the wolves preying at my mind.

Read Ephesians 6:10-20

 

(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

 

Whispers

 

Whispers
Quiet down. The silence in your heart
The silence in your mind hears a whisper in your heart
A spec of sand, carried in the wind like the depths of your soul
Guiding you diverting you, experience that rattles your mind
All things that happen in life, by a small infinite amount
This life we lead is so limited to what could be or could’ve been
Sit quietly, listen, feel at one with life and what you know
Connect with what you already know, feel at one with the moment
God is there, grounding you deep within the earth, when you are seeking answers

When you sit, you’ll find the answer are not beyond you, when you are truly with God

As I sit here clearing my mind, my answers come, letting go, making space for the new
As I’ve settled more and more, it’s about my feelings deep down, taking away what was keeping me from living
I’m making my mind work for me now
Not against me, growing with my emotions
Not letting them work against me
I needed silence in my life
Creating my stories, my health, my mind
Feeling at one with God, was in the quiet
Just me guiding my life, letting my heart guide me where I need to go
That unexpected feeling you feel when you take up the reigns of your life
I spent a great deal of time on my own, guiding myself towards this moment
All that time didn’t take me directly to where I needed to be

My soul has kept me in the vicinity of where I needed to be
Helping me turn into myself finally, parts of me resisted, inwardly crying out

There is still fear, little bits of fear, but new energy has evolved
As I look over my life, there is the person today, whom may have done things differently
Oh! wisdom takes hold of my thoughts, “How much energy it has taken from me to get where I am”
I know I couldn’t haave done things differently
I’ve had to walk the path I’ve taken
I think of everything I’ve done, everything I’ve gone through
I know I’ve have to keep walking forward
Creating a new life, being creative
Walking with God
(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

I see

In the closing hours of the night my brain wakes up continually, Shh, it’s whirring away, Changes in my brain. It turns up the heat on my life, forever waking up in the early hours of the morning. I would so love to sleep through the night. Life is so different now with God in your life, I am now armed with new depths of thinking, I see words now coming from me I never used before in my life. I’m not sure how or even quite sure I understand what has happened to me. But what I can tell you, that I know my life is coming from quietly different place that I have never been in before.

The freshness of a new life, the changes in my character, unrestricted life, has given birth to something I never expected to feel in my life. Changes can be dangerous in life, but what has made its way into my life, these early mornings I wake, is real and honest, and packed with simplicity, countless different emotions all at the same time. These things do happen in life, I would’ve never believed it before, but with God in your life anything is possible and all things can be made new again.

As I continue to dive into life now with Brandy, my new dog in my life. She was a pure gift from God we bonded so much in 3 short weeks. There is now more time to play, than I had before with Tibby and Charlie.

Today life is exciting the changes I’ve made, new people I am meeting all the time, new adventures, sometimes boldness. Life is within my grasp, sometimes a little out of reach. This life is now part of me, I have never felt this good about life.

The way life was dictated to me, the rules I followed, although meekly, have somehow now gone out the window. I’m not lost anymore; I’m coming to know me as me.

I never thought that I could feel like this addicted to life, life is exciting when we give God a chance in life, it’s strange at first. Fulfilling.

It’s strange to feel satisfied with life, I know I will have my ups and downs still, but I’m statisfied how I am growing as a person. I’ve landed myself on my feet now. I read back over the words I’ve written about my life, my words have grown along with me. It might sound silly but it is true.

I have actually worked out why my writing to some degree has come to a standstill at times, because I’m now at peace with my soul. Excited about living.

 

Change now lives within

My soul lives within the wind
Moments all but a second
These moments forever change us
So deeply the impact, our hearts awoken,
I Haven’t felt the flames of change, in such force
These moments of time
We will never forget
Nor turn away from them
Moments that changed me
Changed our lives
Fear stops me from turning back
Life is moving forward, taking new steps each day
Old ways are now turning to dust, as I walk through life
New stories are born each day
As my soul now lives within the winds of change
Each day now is a new adventure, with a decision
To keep change alive with my soul
A gift from God that lives and changes within you
Faith in God, strength in God’s merciful faith
I’ve struggled. I learned to grasp at faith never letting go
Deep inside me, I knew, I believed, there was a God
My world would change, I feel different now,
Different than anything else
My soul now lives within me
I feel the wind pass me by now
Change now lives within your soul

(c)bjsscribbles

Strength and determination

Strength and determination
As uncertain as destiny
Gathers in our mind
Lightening moments, bolt, shock, stimulate
Frivolous in flight, strength and determination
With my head held hight
Determination gives strength
From soul to soul, across my world
As a birds wings flutter
And the thoughts we utter
As forests touch the wind
Wings flutter, across my world

Dreams galore gather
Clouding my vision
At times bitter thoughts have power
To hide gnawing, corroding, my mind
Destroying the brightest light
Think love in determination
There’s hope in strength anew
Dreaded thoughts, give determination
The right to succeed
Renovating a blessed life
With the sword of faith held high

(C)bjsscribbles

Provide a time limit on anger

There was a time when I would not speak up for myself, letting people walk all over me. When the tables are turned people get a shock, people do not know how to handle the change. I am still a peace maker, I like peace in my life.

This was something I needed to write. Handling my life with God’s help.

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“Don’t let the sun go down on your anger”
Fed up with interference, not saying anything about annoying habits,
Being talked about behind your back, finally with the strength of God
You can confront a person about a problem, unfortunately,
Both parties ding their heels in, my anger has always had trouble,
I am a peacemaker, I usually suppress my feelings,
It takes a while for me to explode, I stewed too long in my life,
Creating a breeding ground for bitterness, It’s time to speak the truth
I started to learn, provide a time limit on anger, holding it in, is no good,
Place it at the feet of God, He can fight the explosion of anger,
The power of God’s forgiveness and love, He can save us

Anger can implode out of control, put out the blaze of anger with God’s help
We fear, I know I’ve feared what people think of us, It’s hard to admit,
When we are angry, There is a lifetime of anger, stress built up in my body
I’ve tried to keep, relationships intact, in harmony, speaking the truth in love,
But when it’s not accepted, I had to walk away, staying within my comfort zone,
Only time will tell, I’ve listened, to the other persons perspective,
There is the love of God, with the goal of restoration, one day.

“Don’t let the sun go down on your anger”

Col 3:8  But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.
Psa 37:8  Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.
Pro 14:29  He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.
Jas 1:19  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
(c)bjsscribbles

The path to peace, can be simple

So many questions
Questions rattled my mind
Largely remained unanswered
I’ve been holding onto life
Till I realised it’s time to change

I’ve had glimpses of life
Leading to the way ahead
God has shown me small steps
Stepping stones to a world
Illuminated right in front of me
A sense of life in the big picture
Pieces still yet to be filled in
Yet leading me to what I needed to do and needed to let go of
I prayed and prayed earnestly, God showed me
How! the brain fog was lifted
It was so easy, to gain peace

The path to peace,
Can be simple if we let it
I felt as though
I was traveling along the path
But didn’t really know it
I just really needed to
Believe in myself
God was showing me a lesson in life

I wandered in a blur
For so many years, then,
There had been a silence that had fallen
Leaving enough space, to show me
Letting go, learn to let go, echoed
Where do I go next?
There are still parts of my life
I need to step back from

 

And so I am
I wont say it is easy
There are moments
When I fall into the old
Then turn commit to right choice
Again and again
Not looking back

 

.(c)bjsscribbles

 

Renovating your heart, Renovating your thoughts

Thoughts how they gather
Words are thoughts
Gathered in our mind
They don’t need wings
To fly
Lightening bolt moments
That gather, from soul to soul
As a birds wings flutter

 

A bitter thought has the power to hide
Gnawing at your heart, hiding
It still has the power to corrode
Destroying your mind

If we think love
There is times when we don’t
Yet we can encourage love
Lighting the world
Renovating your heart
Renovating your thoughts

Matthew 12:25 Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand.

Exodus 28:3 You shall speak to all who are wise-hearted, whom I have filled with the spirit of wisdom, that they make Aaron’s garments to sanctify him, that he may minister to me in the priest’s office.

(c)bjsscribbles

Moving closer to God

After living for so many years as an oppressed person, change was difficult for me. As I started to grow as an individual making decisions for myself, enjoying life for the first time in decades. I have felt deeply about the sudden changes in my life. My feelings have been that of joy and happiness, sometimes sadness because I have had to stand on my own and make decisions that are for the rest of my life. The changes in life situations have been for the better, it doesn’t mean it has been easy. Lately feelings rose again, I am growing within myself, yet people find it hard to accept I have changed. People I have known all my life.
As I grow more there is a deep shift away from a former way of life, towards a life of confidence.
I’ve been doing a great deal of reading lately with the help of my psychologist about assertiveness, plus when you are under assertion. That was me for decades, never expressing my feelings; my feelings were curtailed by everyone around me. My needs and opinions were placed as second to others. My rights to communicate were not met. I often ended up doing what others wanted not what I wanted or needed in my life. Emotionally, unassertiveness eroded my self-esteem. I have criticized myself for not being able to speak for myself over the decades, but when you were controlled for so much of your life; it takes a long time to get to the stage where your voice is heard. There was so much anger, bitterness, resentment, disappointment bottle up for decades. Such feelings were imploding inside my body causing panic an anxiety that I did not know how to control. I can see now where being unassertive has affected my life. I really do know there is another way of life. The shift inside me is for the better.
Many things inside me have been excited, and there is a lot more to come, as I clear out old feelings. Motoring around my feeling of panic an anxiety is pretty heart and soul wrenching, I do have some good memories of my life. I need to place to memories in a box, and bring them out only when I need. It has also made me think lately about looking after my wellbeing.
I spent a lot of time as the peace maker, sacrificing myself, giving in to mend situations. Placing myself in peril. I am not the only one in life that has had to do that in the world. Deep in my heart, I knew, I finally had to let go and walk away for many reasons. My world was broken. Leading me now to walk with God, there have been a few situations this year where I have huddled in a corner frightened to come out, I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t help it.
We are coming to the last few months of the year, I have wondered where it has all gone, and for the most part it has been a healing year. I am very reflective of my journey; it has been a long road. Soon it will be my 65th year and I reflect on my journey more. There have been so many things that happened in just a few short years. I do not know what is coming up for me down the line. I’ve seen a great deal of the old ways of life disappear and new ways evolve more. My standards of life have grown
My walls were up, hardening myself, building that boundary not letting anyone in for so many years. Slowly it has come down softening my heart. When I was first on my own, I didn’t wish to have anyone have that power over me anymore, I didn’t let anyone in. I lost, but soon realized it is a new life. I admit I made mistakes, I am far from perfect, and my morals are true to God and myself. Life is going to be good. As I heal further.

(c)bjsscribbles

2 Corinthians 5:11-21

11 Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are made manifest unto God; and I trust also are made manifest in your consciences.

12 For we commend not ourselves again unto you, but give you occasion to glory on our behalf, that ye may have somewhat to answer them which glory in appearance, and not in heart.

13 For whether we be beside ourselves, it is to God: or whether we be sober, it is for your cause.

14 For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead:

15 And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.

16 Wherefore henceforth know we no man after the flesh: yea, though we have known Christ after the flesh, yet now henceforth know we him no more.

17 Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

18 And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation;

19 To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation.

20 Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ’s stead, be ye reconciled to God.

21 For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.

In pursuit of life

When nothing goes to plan along the pathway to peace
When we think of the pathway to success
life  never comes in a straight path
It arrives, but it’s all over the place
Advance and retreat, Advance and retreat
So many times
That’s how it is for everyone
Two steps forward, two steps backward
I’ve talked about mistakes
Learning from mistakes
When life goes array
Time and time again
Trying, keep moving forward
In pursuit of goals

There was a time
When I sat still
Huddled in a corner
I thought about success
Going about life, in a blurr

Now pursuing life
Your part of life
I feel life each day

When we know where we are going
We will get there, I know I will
I know I’ve paid a price
Nothing has come easy
And it still doesn’t

Pursuing life
Paying the price
Rewards are coming my way
Dreams are being fulfilled
(c)bjsscribbles