Trying to understand my life choices

Please forgive me for rambling, I am trying to get my head around the new me after a long time not knowing me at all.

There are some choices I have had to make in my life that I am not proud of, there are choices and different choices all have helped me along the way to learn and grow.

Great mistakes evolve when fear holds you tight. What was happening in my life gripped me with fear and anxiety. Over time decisions were made for me,  I did a lot of things in my life out of fear. I started to realise the choices I made in my life, and the need to make  changes in my life

My reactions came out of fear, to I look at my life and realise, doubt, self-doubt, worry, stress are all reactions that cause health problems. Today there are many health problems caused out of a life-time of stress.

When stress, anxiety takes hold of your body, everything engulfs you like a war going on in your mind. I wondered now what life would have been like without stress or worry, choices I made in life would’ve come out of love instead of worrying if those footsteps were your children or someone you feared.

Life has changed for me, I still struggle, when old patterns of life appear from out of no-where, my heart skips a beat and I am lost. I’ve panicked, I am the first to admit it, my PTSD has triggered. The centre of peace I created has been lost every time, I get angry with myself. That is the most annoying part, I don’t want to get angry anymore. I just desire to come back to the new me that I am getting used to and make my own decisions.

Today my heart is open more, I’ll always learn there is something else I can do; I can mend whatever is broken. There is no shortage of tough moments in life.  I am continually challenged facing tough moments set before me. Life is a journey we face so many ups and downs, I am discovering a deeper sense of myself. Along the road of my journey, that has been hard and revealing in many ways. Discovering you is an experience. That is one thing I have trouble getting my head around. Sometimes I see the old ways creeping in, I have to remind myself and give myself time.

I’ve been healing all these months, I remind myself, I am alive and not living in darkness, fear. Those years of fear are now gone. I’ve been doing the work, which I needed to do. I’ve created a healthy life now. I used to jump at any sudden noise, cry at the drop of a hat, wonder who was walking up behind me. Images of a life of fear are now gone. We all have a right to make the choice to walk away from fear, violence, and live in peace.

I am very aware of my life and choices I have made to rebuild, I tried to have the perfect life a hundred years ago, as I describe my life now. I would punish myself severely trying to be perfect. I thought it was meant to be. That idea has now going out the window. I know now I will make mistakes.  I understand and know there will be times when I don’t handle situations and struggle to make the right choices. I am not going to ruin myself anymore by becoming someone else other than who I am. The judge inside me is very hard on me,

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Planting the seeds of life now is very precious to me; life is not about perfection, or putting on the perfect mask of life. Oh! How that shone before, the mask of a perfect marriage, There were so many deep hidden secrets. I have a deeper understanding of myself now. Over this year I have let go of so many things, I had to, to live.

The past, tries to creep into the future, many times, now I keep walking creating a space between me and the past. I don’t need to turn around anymore and see the past. I have looked back, I’ll be honest sometimes in the real early days it would have been easier to go back than to face the future. I’ve made bad decisions, when I have been in a confused state of mind. Sometimes I thought the future was a mirage, it would never happen, now I have arrived in the future and making a life.

I tortured myself for so many years, but those days are now gone, I am living in the here and now, making the very best of my life. I’m not perfect, I will make mistakes, maybe I will hurt people, but I’m not hurting myself anymore. I will do everything possible to do everything right, because I care about my choices today and always..

(c)bjsscribbles

 

Deep inside our minds

Lately I have been doing some deeper work with my psychologist opening deep secrets that I carried with me right through my life. Finally dealing with life, I am moving on further. Each line I have written has meaning for me. Dealing with the past with imagery is a powerful tool.
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Where is meaning in this world
I have struggled to find meaning
We all know this world, yet we struggle
Today we try, but yet we wonder

I wonder where it is all going to end
Where should we all go?
There is so much hidden
Questions unanswered
Will we ever find the answers
The answers hidden, among the maze of the world
Deep inside our minds
Hidden deep in our inner soul

Life that is hidden, life we try to hide
Life does find you,
And it all releases
All the secrets of life hidden beneath the shield
The secrets of life can ruin the life you have made
Free up your life and release the secrets, dark secrets
The memories will fade, hidden in our lives
So many stories untold, of things we didn’t want told
The world came to a close for me, I told someone
Finally closure, my feelings are known
The struggle will soon be over
I am finally home

(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

I woke up yesterday

I woke up yesterday as I do each morning now, reaching for the kettle to make a cup of coffee. I thought to myself, “I am the best; I’ve been in a long time.”

There was a path to travel, laid out before me many years ago, I didn’t know it then as I do now. Now it is the time to travel the next path, I don’t know where it will lead, but I do know it is there. Experiencing freedom within one’s self is amazing as you walk with God close by. There is no sense of panic now, or any missing pieces, it is just clarity for the first time in my life.

When I left my home in Adelaide a short while ago, there was so many stories built up in my life, a very personal story. Why I was doing so much, and what my life meant to me. Truth is so important and incredibly valuable. A great deal of my life will stay very close to my heart.

However as the years have now gathered around me, I have carried on in my life, so many thing have changed. I’ve experienced many different things, and they have changed me. Settling where I have has slowly changed my heart, appreciating the smaller things, more importantly, settling into truly enjoying my own company, without trying to get to be somewhere else in life’s journey. I am home now.

I have traveled this great land Australia, listened to music, walked the many beaches of Australia. Now I realise there has been many happy moments in my life, with those special to me. Exploring the desert of Australia with my dogs, watching them frolic and play. Life is good

I lived, my life and have experienced much more in life than I ever thought I would, now I am living more than ever before. My experiences have served me well, now I am in contact with life and what is happening, my life has not been full of glamour, I’ve worked through the many rough patches. But most of all my life has given me clarity. My life path is now glowing so much clearer.

I am now walking the path and doing things I need to do. For this first time in my life I know what is right for me. I am committed to myself, making every effort to what is right. I have a chance now to live and I am taking it. When this year started I never expected the events to unfold the way they have, but life has now shaped me and helped me understand who I am. No matter what challenges may come my way, I can do this.

My journey is not over it is just changing, the season of life, I am now prepared for. Thoughts and doubts that surrounded me have gone. It taught me through space and time what truly mattered to me and I wouldn’t change my walk for the entire world.

I fit in now, all there is to do is to follow the path every single day God has set out for me

 

It’s time now for me to evolve, my story of life is engulf in my blog, it’s just a story in prose. The way life now has changed me, or how I see life. It doesn’t me it’s the way it is going to be. Over a short time I have changed, my words have changed me. I was tired depressed, oppressed, full of anxiety, I did not want to be that person anymore.

I was on a path to destruction, too frightened to speak, I could barely put too words together. I knew if I didn’t change, I would never change. I would not be alive now.

 

My blog has been a process of change, I have healed through the power of God, I have grieved for what I lost, I have moved on. Day by day, through my actions, through my changes, I am now living in the future. I don’t know where it is going to lead me, only God knows that, I don’t really wish to know.

Have you ever chosen something and wondered why? It is exactly what I have done in my life, God knew I would turn to him. I achieved life.

We can changed our lives and live, no-matter which way we go about it all. Life will not be perfect, but the future depends on today. The seeds of life were planted for me by a now good friend, helping me now to love and enjoy life today.

You can find your life. I did.

 

(c)bjscribbles

Go back to the source

pexels-photo

 

 

There is a river rising
It’s rising fast, with
God’s thought

Yet no-one has measured
Their full ability, full force
The soul of man empties
Go back, Go back, turn to the source

Find the beginning, forget the borders,
Ignore the obstacles on the way to the beginning
Remember the way, one thought, through night and day
If he keeps his thoughts, man may know his strength
A limitless strength, because he walks with God

That mighty stream is rising fast
God’s thought shall bear down
Hopes, efforts, and purpose
To anchor our hopes, faith, strength success
Find the beginning of life with God.

(c)bjsscribbles

The inner soul

Lately I have struggled with my thoughts, there has been a great deal going on in my life. Turning to God has saved me more and more each day. Keeping me moving forward, I have been moving forward but I have struggled to write. The more I think I am getting there, I seem to take a step back.

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Music of life, created day and night
My nature is that of music
My lips have stammered
My sound has struggled
I utter a silent sound
Not able to fulfill the need of others
Dreams, thought, feelings interlaced
Inwardly, all senses answer the call
Tunes, so mysterious to the ear
Which step out to greet, granting infinite pleasure
From the darkness of the night, to the light of day
The soul I struggle to bear, the song of  my soul,
My inner soul has struggled
Through the portals of hearing, the beauty
Now of night, utter all sounds
Thunder now of night, breaks its own cloud
My flesh shivers, before my soul

(C) bjsscribbles

Songs of our lives

Songs of our life are the tunes of God
God writes the words, the patterns
We set the tune, to music each day
Songs of sadness, sweetness, or glad
We choose the time, fashion, each situation

We write the tune, whatever song of life
Rhyme or reason, sadness, we can turn into joy
We can turn Joy into Joyfulness

Each life has a song, that is free and strong
Music he writes is only a small part
Sadness, the pain in life
The singer becomes the story teller

The singer talks to God, in his voice
A hymn resinate’s across the sky
He knows not how the words sound
Words lonely and sad, because
The tune is dreary

Music ringing across the sky
Under the tune of sadness
The song of another
Through words, turns pain into gladness

Triumphant words, now ring out
Giving the world, more joy
Setting ourselves alive, in the world of God
So whether our songs are sad or not
In which the heart is now set alive
We can live and survive

(c)bjsscribbles

There was a time

 

So many life changes have come into my life. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to believe it is me living this life. I am feeling pretty good and pleased.

Sometimes old doubts creep into my mind, I have to shake myself and tell the dangerous doubting thoughts to get out. Those times are hard and tough going, but with the help of many around me and most of all knowing God is in my life. I get through.

There have been times lately when I have wondered if I’ll ever be free of the life I led before. With so many things happen it’s hard to keep the past where it should be, in the past. The scars are slowly passing, fading, they will fade further over time. I have had trouble believing in myself, today I’ve come to the point where I do.

The person that cause so much heart ache over time in my life is slowly fading as well, but unfortunately, news creeps through. Refreshing the memories, now I move past those time quickly, but I feel for those in the city that deals with it most of the time.

I love the quiet in my life now, no arguments, no yelling, no hiding. Finally I feel as though there is peace in my life. At the moment I am looking after friends dogs for about a fortnight, I was anxious a bit, thoughts of my dogs came flashing before my eyes, which is only natural after all I had them for the best part of 20yrs. Today as my friends left for Sydney, I have felt comfortable with the dogs, really I don’t know what I was worried about. Almost as though I have never been away from dogs.

To express the feeling of how I attained peace in my life is puzzling to me. Many say it is simple because I have “God” in my life but I often wonder is it as simple as that. Maybe it is. My trouble is I have been looking for so many answers, but it has been before my eyes all the time.

I truly don’t know how I got through all the years of turmoil in my life before without “God”, many times I coould’ve taken my life but continued pushing through, to get where I am now. There are many I know that don’t have g”God” or any sort of belief in their life. I became tired of the answer one foot after another, I knew there had to be a better way, I guess I found it.
(c)bjsscribbles

 

There was a time,

When I didn’t have all the answers

Who’s to say that I do now

Who’s to say anyone does

I remember many saying

“What goes around comes around”

I believe, now

The many tears that have passed in time

Tears pass away, then you finally see

Life is alright, whatever you do

Memories, come back to you

You remember it is all true

Life is alright, whatever you do

It’s coming back, to you

The passion of life caught between

The beauty of a rose and the remains of life covered in ashes

At the end of your rope

You don’t want to feel, you don’t want to be seen this way

There is hope, your hanging on to hope

The nights will turn around

You’ll be found, and someday you will rise again

Life is alright, whatever you do

Memories, may come back to you

You remember it is all true

Life is alright, whatever you do

It’s coming back, to you

There is hope, your hanging on to hope

The nights will turn around

With God in your life.

 

(c)bjsscribbles