If only

 

My changing face of life came late in life, but my life is still a work in progress. My face has not changed but the mask that I wore for so many years has changed.

 

Would life be so much simpler if we could lift that mask early in life? For some of us it just doesn’t happen till we are ready.

I was so uncomfortable, trying to be someone, I wasn’t. I wore the mask of someone in pain during my life for a long time. Wearing that face, I became someone so alone unable, to connect fully with people. I don’t know fully how it all happened, I do really, and it was from a time when I was so oppressed in life. For far too many years, I was insignificant. I still get nervous in crowds but life is getting easier. I try to play down my achievements for some reason. I am not sure, I think it was because my Dad was such a humble person. I am now starting to show the world what I have achieved even in my writing.

 

You can come out the other side, but still I am apprehensive about what scares me.

 

I faced so many fears as I worked with my psychologist; I have developed more courage, more strength in the past few months. I actually partly have been running on adrenaline with some of the things I have been doing. I am amazed what I am capable of. I think as I face new challenges in life, the fear has given me strength to keep moving forward.

I think of some of the things I achieved since I have been on my own, I have done out of fear. I traveled Australia. I did it on my own. There was a great deal of people out there doing the same as me; few were single women with a couple of dogs. Settling in a strange town on my own, facing barrages of questions, “Who are you?” everyone desiring to know who this strange person was with two dogs. “Where are you from?” what drove you to this place? There were so many questions I didn’t wish to answer, but slowly I did.

 

I am not in the same place; I challenge myself now to different answers. I am a different person now.

I feel I am on top of the mountain now. It’s been a slow climb, but I made it.

I had this moment up on the top of the mountain that is hard to explain. A deep feeling of emotion lately. Being able to breathe, without panic.

When I journey now, where ever I journey, I look up into the sky, “I have arrived, thank you for giving me life” I am going to keep doing, what I am doing, journeying outside my comfort zone. To challenge myself, body and mind, to be stronger each day than I ever was in life.

Finding you, myself, I have developed different beliefs; I attempt things I have never done before in my life. Not settling for mediocrity.

Facing what is thrown at you in life is hard work, learning to face yourself every day, challenging yourself to try and do things you have never done before. This is hard. At first, I found it very easy to stay huddled up, wallowing in self-pity, it seemed the easy way out. Then I found I, had to get out there and live, not being walked on by everyone else.  Climbing those mountains life challenges, I had to take those challenges on to see what happens. Why not give a mountain challenge with God on your side and see what happens.

The mountains, the challenges I have faced will stay with me for a long time. It signifies special moments in my life. Taking down the mask of life and putting myself to the test of life.

Writing my blog has enabled me to see how far I have traveled, how much I have faced in my journey.

Everyone has faced mountains in their life, when we do we take the experience with us and grow building us up, instead of bringing us down. The mask of life only comes off when we go outside our self and journey beyond our comfort zone.

My scenes of my life I have created help me make decisions to tear down the many masks I wore and face my fears.

 

How many mountains have you climbed? Can you repeal the many masks of life?

(c)bjsscribbles

 

The demons

 

Planting Some New Seeds in my life, I’m not sure when they were planted, but deep down they must have been. For the latter years of my marriage I found myself wandering, in my mind. Where it was leading me I did not know.

For many hours I found myself walking trying to escape, wandering yet not lost. I wandered in an about the trees across many parks. Downtrodden for many years, I listened to many whispers, whispers within my mind. How to escape, the turmoil within, there was no-where to go. I had built a home a family, but it was all lost in a maze of Alcohol and abuse. Yet I still had no-where to go.

I kept asking myself how do I breathe, I was tired, tired of life, the more I tried to plan an escape, I kept getting talked into staying. I had focus for so long on what was going on. What I had built was lost, leading to my realization there was nothing left in my life for me. Is that wrong, a desire to find an individual inside a soul that was dying.

I just desired a breath of life. I can really see now how tired of living I was, I know if I had stayed I would not be  writing this.

The demons that sat deep within my soul, I have finally dealt with, the PTSD that would trigger if someone did something out of place. Something simple would upset my day. I wondered would I ever be free of my past. I know now I will live with them, but it would not upset me as bad now I have dealt with them, with my psychologist. For now they are quieted down, through sheer determination to be able to live free. They may rise again, but I know how to deal with them now.

I’ve struggled with my past and how much it has affected my life now, I’ve thought a lot about it. There topics that come up in different situations I shy away from, I don’t need that talk, I am healed. My life is mine now. Maybe there is still a little healing to do, that will happen in time.

The journey I have taken to healing has been mine, my past is mine, but now it is the past, my healing has happened in many different areas. Reclaiming my life has been a powerful experience. The healing has not been easy, but it was necessary.

I am not sure why I stayed so long, I know fear and no-where to go was one of the main reasons. The path I was on was not good. I was always hopping life and promises would turn our lives around. But the promises never came to fruition. Most women in my situation do stay out of fear and leave up to 9 times. I had no idea what I should be doing; I still had no-where to go.

The more I write, the struggle to get where I am today, has been so valuable, to help keeping me moving forward. Who I am today, is not who I was, when I walked away. The struggle helped me understand what it means when I look at myself today. It has been a painful process, peeling away the person I was and developing a new and refreshed person. Untying the chains of the past is always a challenge, I remember the first time I heard “Amazing Grace” after I walked into a church for the first time, I cried, buckets of tears.

I did not think I would be this free, in 6 short years, discovering the heart is pure joy, discovering God and feeling whole is so important.

©bjsscribbles

Not hiding the shame

Lately I have started walking in my life openly, talking more about the life I led before I came to the place I am at now. I don’t hide what happened in my life anymore, it is such a great feeling to live openly and honestly.

___________________________________________

 

 

We live a life
Sometimes not talking
Hiding the shame of life

Yet there comes a time
When we need to talk
Not hiding the shame
My shame covered me
Covered my life
I find now

It’s okay, to say, “I’m not Okay”
There are days when we can ask, “RU Okay”
Because in life sometimes, we are not really okay

Ever tried putting up a smile
Trying to convince everyone
You’re alright, it’s hard work

For years, I live my life like that
Hiding behind a smile, believing
Before achieving
When you are hurt
Really hurt emotionally
Or physically
You don’t have to hide
Or pretend

For a long time I hid my wounds
Till I found I was not alone
We all have wounds
After all we are individuals and human
To be real, and authentic
Is a challenge till we do
We will never heal

I pretended for so many years
My soul knew the truth
It knew I was hiding, lying
Healing came slowly, honestly
And with compassion
Love, forgiving, learning

Healing came as I walked into the dark side of my life
Not hiding, as I walked out of the dark and toward the light of God
I learned I was walking in the light, discover the light

(c)bjsscribbles

 

Trying to understand my life choices

Please forgive me for rambling, I am trying to get my head around the new me after a long time not knowing me at all.

There are some choices I have had to make in my life that I am not proud of, there are choices and different choices all have helped me along the way to learn and grow.

Great mistakes evolve when fear holds you tight. What was happening in my life gripped me with fear and anxiety. Over time decisions were made for me,  I did a lot of things in my life out of fear. I started to realise the choices I made in my life, and the need to make  changes in my life

My reactions came out of fear, to I look at my life and realise, doubt, self-doubt, worry, stress are all reactions that cause health problems. Today there are many health problems caused out of a life-time of stress.

When stress, anxiety takes hold of your body, everything engulfs you like a war going on in your mind. I wondered now what life would have been like without stress or worry, choices I made in life would’ve come out of love instead of worrying if those footsteps were your children or someone you feared.

Life has changed for me, I still struggle, when old patterns of life appear from out of no-where, my heart skips a beat and I am lost. I’ve panicked, I am the first to admit it, my PTSD has triggered. The centre of peace I created has been lost every time, I get angry with myself. That is the most annoying part, I don’t want to get angry anymore. I just desire to come back to the new me that I am getting used to and make my own decisions.

Today my heart is open more, I’ll always learn there is something else I can do; I can mend whatever is broken. There is no shortage of tough moments in life.  I am continually challenged facing tough moments set before me. Life is a journey we face so many ups and downs, I am discovering a deeper sense of myself. Along the road of my journey, that has been hard and revealing in many ways. Discovering you is an experience. That is one thing I have trouble getting my head around. Sometimes I see the old ways creeping in, I have to remind myself and give myself time.

I’ve been healing all these months, I remind myself, I am alive and not living in darkness, fear. Those years of fear are now gone. I’ve been doing the work, which I needed to do. I’ve created a healthy life now. I used to jump at any sudden noise, cry at the drop of a hat, wonder who was walking up behind me. Images of a life of fear are now gone. We all have a right to make the choice to walk away from fear, violence, and live in peace.

I am very aware of my life and choices I have made to rebuild, I tried to have the perfect life a hundred years ago, as I describe my life now. I would punish myself severely trying to be perfect. I thought it was meant to be. That idea has now going out the window. I know now I will make mistakes.  I understand and know there will be times when I don’t handle situations and struggle to make the right choices. I am not going to ruin myself anymore by becoming someone else other than who I am. The judge inside me is very hard on me,

.

Planting the seeds of life now is very precious to me; life is not about perfection, or putting on the perfect mask of life. Oh! How that shone before, the mask of a perfect marriage, There were so many deep hidden secrets. I have a deeper understanding of myself now. Over this year I have let go of so many things, I had to, to live.

The past, tries to creep into the future, many times, now I keep walking creating a space between me and the past. I don’t need to turn around anymore and see the past. I have looked back, I’ll be honest sometimes in the real early days it would have been easier to go back than to face the future. I’ve made bad decisions, when I have been in a confused state of mind. Sometimes I thought the future was a mirage, it would never happen, now I have arrived in the future and making a life.

I tortured myself for so many years, but those days are now gone, I am living in the here and now, making the very best of my life. I’m not perfect, I will make mistakes, maybe I will hurt people, but I’m not hurting myself anymore. I will do everything possible to do everything right, because I care about my choices today and always..

(c)bjsscribbles

 

When I started my Journey

We are all on a journey, a journey to overcome. The Lord does not have a problem with people who fail. Our Lord does have a problem with those that fail, and won’t get up, and start again. Believe me I have had to pick myself up many times, dust myself off, start again. Overcoming many barriers in the past few years has taken me on a wild ride at times. This is my thoughts for today as I fight through this attack on my health.
2 Corinthians 10:4
4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.
Revelations 2:11
11 “He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. He who overcomes shall not be hurt by the second death.”’

My life has not been easy, rebuilding, to begin with it was not a bumper crop of vegetables freshly growing. There were many weeds that sprung up from time to time. Sometimes it felt like insects scurry through my vegetables, suffering from stress. I have continued with my journey, cultivating my life, faithfully, watching it flourish. Encouraging colour in my life, filling in the gaps, getting rid of the weeds, nurturing my life, the result has been a bumper life with God at my side.
Walking with the Lord, I have come to learn and reassure myself, it does not matter what happened yesterday or how well we are doing in our private life. What is important to us all, the Lord is there He is the same today and always, He is there forever.
Hebrews 13:8
8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
I remind myself as I have done today is to overcome the obstacles by giving it all up to God. It is the best defence against Satan. Using the word of God, cultivates the situation, so the Lord can bless and prosper it. By doing this it has helped me grow and overcome many obstacles.
I praise God for what He has done in my Life.
In Jesus name Amen

Days and years have passed by

Many emotions have crossed my heart over the past few weeks. This was my way of getting through.

 

How many steps must I take?
Thousands till I reach you,
Many times I have stumbled,
Again an Again, though I am weary
How many steps must I take?
To climb to heavens gate

Days and years have passed by
How long do I wait? I am waiting on the Lord
Waiting on you, I stand firm
The storms of life that flow before me
Yet I am still hopeful, waiting for you Lord

My existence is in my prayers
“My God, guide me each day,guide me to live”
Winds gusts and blow across the river
Yet my peace is with the river

Through all the season of time
The chill of winter, the colours of spring
Summers burning glow, Autumn bring new life,
The death of Summer, to life in Winter,
All season change, as season of life change
Smiles, tears, still I clasp my hands tight
I pray kneeling down, trusting in You God
By the grace of God, you are there to mend my heart
As you do others, whom need you help
You are there always, always
You are there, mending our hearts

Tears glisten down my eyes, leaving stains on my cheeks
I raise my arms up to you, I surrender my life to You
I cry out, I believe you are there, Yet I wait patiently for you
You bring joy, success, peace, unto our lives
The lure of temptations, scare my changed heart
Frightening me, shaking my mind, leaving me cloudy
Every day now is a new experience, I explore God
Yet do not ignore God, Your words are living in my mind
I know now, and feel your words each day

Our past may come and go
My past is my foe
There is shame and doubt
Scars
Enemies of the mind
Feel the fire within, ready to ignite
As the lions surround you
Through God, my soul is saved
With each breath, I take, With You God
All thing are possible

Days and years have passed by
How long do I wait? I am waiting on the Lord
Waiting on you, I stand firm
The storms of life that flow before me
Yet I am still hopeful, waiting for you Lord
And I will see, All things are possible

(c)bjsscribbles

Recently

I think, I had been riding a wave of life renewed. You may have read before some of what I have written but, it was what I had to do to get me through the last month. Without sitting at my computer, prayer and more prayer, I would not be where I am today with a clear head.

Many things happened during 2016 as I began a journey back into a world unknown.

Let me take a journey back for a second or two, to where I don’t go  much anymore. I don’t need too. I am not that person anymore. When I first left my marriage, and walked into my cousin’s house during the early stages of my divorce, shock had set it in. I thought my marriage was for life I had a house family. Walking into my cousin’s home because, I could not get a roof over my head for me and my two dogs. There was a feeling of emptiness all I had was the clothes on my back and two dogs.

Domestic violence comes in many forms and does your head in, living it for a long, long, time you have many scars; you deal with them as I had done with mine. There are many people out there that have lived as I have. Some that lived it a great deal longer than I. There are some special people I know that have helped me turn my life around, especially God. Becoming a new Christian, it was not allowed during my marriage and now sometimes I have questions raised by some. I am not changing for anyone; God has got to where I am today.

Recently those scars opened up and I have had to deal with them, there have been times during the past couple of weeks where, I could barely raise myself out of my bed. I pushed myself, because I don’t give in easy. I love walking, exploring as I walk. That even got put on the back burner, for a while. Walking where I live is heaven, the air is so pure and people chat with you even if you are walking on your own. I was so happy when my legs started to carry me on a journey when I started walking again. It has been a journey to today.

I bought myself a new car, during 2016, my dream car a car I never thought I would ever own. I was so happy to give Tibby my dog rides in it; she was able to enjoy it for a little while. I was so nervous buying it, but Wow, it has taken me on a journey in the first few months I have had it. Unfortunately Tibby passed away just before Christmas.

One of the biggest shocks to my nervous system last year was coming off long term pain medication. Something I never wish to go through again, pain medication also ruined my teeth. No body I know looked down on me for the condition of my teeth; they knew what I had been going through. I was ashamed as I always had looked after my teeth.

During the time leading up to Christmas, I started feeling empty. I felt my heart hardening, it was Christmas. Christmas is always a hard time for a great deal of people around the world. Today when you try and feel like Christmas, something happens to change the joy of Christmas into sadness. It does me but somehow you get through. I think back to when I was growing up, Christmas in South Australia started happening when the lights turned on by the River Torrens. Then everyone started getting excited; today it seems as though people expect Christmas when Easter is over.

New Year comes and goes, and here we again venture through another year. We all wonder where it is going to lead us. For me the start has been rough, but I will get through with God walking beside me. In a few short weeks there has been a great deal happening for one person. Blowing my whole world out of proportion, suddenly my peace I created was disrupted. Building a pergola, that was a pure joy, but suddenly I was not coping. I felt as though I hit a brick wall and I knew that was not good. My PTSD had returned, doing too much and dealing with some difficult people in my personal life had forced me to hit that wall. Somebody recently affected me and sent my body into shock.  A big cruncher for me which will send my PTSD into action is loud noises, I have to escape or it will send me into a corner. I recently had to see the Boss of the complex where I live to explain a few personal details of my life to him; he did not know the reasons behind my move to this valley. He was shocked when I told him. Yesterday as I finished up with my pergola and the privacy surround was completed. I started thinking more about God even though, I pray and praise God for my life each day. I feel blessed, that I lead the life I do, I might live on my own, but I am not on my own, God is with me. I have good people surrounding me. Plus a good support group of people, something I have never know before in my life.

There has been a purpose for the return of my PTSD, I realise now; God was showing me, I need a little more strength to carry on in my life. Yesterday when I was with some friends doing a bible study, I felt down, I felt as though what am I doing. I battled through. I was having trouble getting my head around the study, sometimes my mind just felt blank. Yet when I came home, I paced the floor gathering my thoughts. Then around 3pm, something clicked inside me and the past couple of weeks were over. God is giving me strength. A strength I have never know before.

Suddenly finding a voice and standing up for myself it has been a show of strength. I also have to learn how to control it in a polite way. Being obnoxious is not me, or even rude. I had enough of people being like that in the early stages of my life, all I desire is peace and a head that is not full of fog from people getting in my head.

Now I do feel renewed in the mind and soul.

I have a few posts to put up, it is where my head has been shaking myself out of depression. PTSD. It is where I truly don’t wish to go anymore but it is going to happen again sometime, but I hope not as painful as this time.

(c)bjsscribbles