A letter to myself

Taking time out from your life, working out where your life is going, what you’re achieving in life. I’ve had to do this recently, realizing where I am at and where I am headed.

It was a silent time, taking time out. The last few years had been so busy; I had not spent time on me.

Spending time on me, shedding of the past, had lifted a great deal of weight of my shoulders, treading on new ground had transformed me. It didn’t happen in a moment, or a split second, accepting different life circumstances has given me a new life.

It’s something we need to do; taking time out, enabling me to keep moving forward in my life.

I remember, I had a great deal of dreams in my life, goals, things I desired to achieve, and they failed. I could not formulated them, get down to the nuts and bolts of them, I couldn’t bring them into reality. The big dreams were dreams, but they never were accomplished, today I reflect on them and know why they were never accomplished. One big word for and that is “Life”, it is only a small word but it has a great deal of meaning. Today I am accomplishing a few of my dreams. Sorting out the untidy bits of my life has been a challenge.

I am excited about life, but I bought myself down to ground level, trying to understand what I have achieved, my efforts I put into each and every day. I know I still have mountains to climb.

At the moment, focusing on what is here and now is difficult, dreams are wonderful, but you have to focus on what is here and now. Focusing on today, I remind myself, will help in creating the end result.

It’s hard to do that, I get so excited now about life. My phycologist gave me a hug and told me, “Have a great life.”

Part of me, says there is a turmoil going on inside me, exploring a new found freedom in life. Can we ever get in our own way of life? I think we can on so many levels.

I know I have been, growing more each day, developing as an individual, understanding all that is a challenge. Discovering finally I am becoming a person that I was meant to be all those years ago. I have been trying to raise my standards, to keep moving forward. My life kept me out of practice for so many years.

By focusing on one thing at a time, will ease the pressure of new life.

I guess, this is a lesson I have to learn, I know there will be difficulties levelling my life. I am faced with new challenges and situations. I know it will lead me, somewhere else; I will grow further even better than before. Taking the steps I have taken in my life, I will need to discipline myself to remain focused.

The way I was before, just won’t cut it anymore, I have to grow, evolve. There is an idea I have on the table at the moment. By completing it, I know I will grow further.

 

Constantly improving my life will lead me to new heights.

This is going to take my energy, to get up this new mountain; I love to walk to climb mountains. I know I can achieve this, my heart and mind is focused on my next journey.

Each new morning is a new step, chipping away and I will achieve.

I am committed to every day.

When we untie the chains of the past we can achieve. With the amazing Grace of God.

 

©bjsscribbles

If only

 

My changing face of life came late in life, but my life is still a work in progress. My face has not changed but the mask that I wore for so many years has changed.

 

Would life be so much simpler if we could lift that mask early in life? For some of us it just doesn’t happen till we are ready.

I was so uncomfortable, trying to be someone, I wasn’t. I wore the mask of someone in pain during my life for a long time. Wearing that face, I became someone so alone unable, to connect fully with people. I don’t know fully how it all happened, I do really, and it was from a time when I was so oppressed in life. For far too many years, I was insignificant. I still get nervous in crowds but life is getting easier. I try to play down my achievements for some reason. I am not sure, I think it was because my Dad was such a humble person. I am now starting to show the world what I have achieved even in my writing.

 

You can come out the other side, but still I am apprehensive about what scares me.

 

I faced so many fears as I worked with my psychologist; I have developed more courage, more strength in the past few months. I actually partly have been running on adrenaline with some of the things I have been doing. I am amazed what I am capable of. I think as I face new challenges in life, the fear has given me strength to keep moving forward.

I think of some of the things I achieved since I have been on my own, I have done out of fear. I traveled Australia. I did it on my own. There was a great deal of people out there doing the same as me; few were single women with a couple of dogs. Settling in a strange town on my own, facing barrages of questions, “Who are you?” everyone desiring to know who this strange person was with two dogs. “Where are you from?” what drove you to this place? There were so many questions I didn’t wish to answer, but slowly I did.

 

I am not in the same place; I challenge myself now to different answers. I am a different person now.

I feel I am on top of the mountain now. It’s been a slow climb, but I made it.

I had this moment up on the top of the mountain that is hard to explain. A deep feeling of emotion lately. Being able to breathe, without panic.

When I journey now, where ever I journey, I look up into the sky, “I have arrived, thank you for giving me life” I am going to keep doing, what I am doing, journeying outside my comfort zone. To challenge myself, body and mind, to be stronger each day than I ever was in life.

Finding you, myself, I have developed different beliefs; I attempt things I have never done before in my life. Not settling for mediocrity.

Facing what is thrown at you in life is hard work, learning to face yourself every day, challenging yourself to try and do things you have never done before. This is hard. At first, I found it very easy to stay huddled up, wallowing in self-pity, it seemed the easy way out. Then I found I, had to get out there and live, not being walked on by everyone else.  Climbing those mountains life challenges, I had to take those challenges on to see what happens. Why not give a mountain challenge with God on your side and see what happens.

The mountains, the challenges I have faced will stay with me for a long time. It signifies special moments in my life. Taking down the mask of life and putting myself to the test of life.

Writing my blog has enabled me to see how far I have traveled, how much I have faced in my journey.

Everyone has faced mountains in their life, when we do we take the experience with us and grow building us up, instead of bringing us down. The mask of life only comes off when we go outside our self and journey beyond our comfort zone.

My scenes of my life I have created help me make decisions to tear down the many masks I wore and face my fears.

 

How many mountains have you climbed? Can you repeal the many masks of life?

(c)bjsscribbles

 

The original image God created in his eyes.

Do you remember when?
Someone told you something about yourself
Belonging only to itself
You realise later it was a lie about yourself
I remember so many lies that were told
They told you, that you do this or that wrong
You were this way or that way
Oh! how insignificant you were made feel
And for all different sorts or reasons
You might not even understand
When something happened it was your fault
Oh! how insignificant you were made feel
Your brain, so locked in, the process
Believing all the words
I walked about for years
Have you walked about for years?
Till help arrives, it mounts into an entire life
Believing in this lie, You were fed so long ago
You thought you were that way…
Turn around now and look at yourself
You’re not that way, believe in yourself
No one know you better than you know you
Look at the words that were said about you
Really look, question those words, and you will see
Look into your heart and you will see
You will remember there is a person inside you
I know I did
I found me
The memory of a loving, caring mother, a compassionate mother.
The story goes on
So have courage
Search and you will find you
The original image God created in his eyes.
I see me now, I’ve taken a step forward to be counted

(c)bjsscribbles

The demons

 

Planting Some New Seeds in my life, I’m not sure when they were planted, but deep down they must have been. For the latter years of my marriage I found myself wandering, in my mind. Where it was leading me I did not know.

For many hours I found myself walking trying to escape, wandering yet not lost. I wandered in an about the trees across many parks. Downtrodden for many years, I listened to many whispers, whispers within my mind. How to escape, the turmoil within, there was no-where to go. I had built a home a family, but it was all lost in a maze of Alcohol and abuse. Yet I still had no-where to go.

I kept asking myself how do I breathe, I was tired, tired of life, the more I tried to plan an escape, I kept getting talked into staying. I had focus for so long on what was going on. What I had built was lost, leading to my realization there was nothing left in my life for me. Is that wrong, a desire to find an individual inside a soul that was dying.

I just desired a breath of life. I can really see now how tired of living I was, I know if I had stayed I would not be  writing this.

The demons that sat deep within my soul, I have finally dealt with, the PTSD that would trigger if someone did something out of place. Something simple would upset my day. I wondered would I ever be free of my past. I know now I will live with them, but it would not upset me as bad now I have dealt with them, with my psychologist. For now they are quieted down, through sheer determination to be able to live free. They may rise again, but I know how to deal with them now.

I’ve struggled with my past and how much it has affected my life now, I’ve thought a lot about it. There topics that come up in different situations I shy away from, I don’t need that talk, I am healed. My life is mine now. Maybe there is still a little healing to do, that will happen in time.

The journey I have taken to healing has been mine, my past is mine, but now it is the past, my healing has happened in many different areas. Reclaiming my life has been a powerful experience. The healing has not been easy, but it was necessary.

I am not sure why I stayed so long, I know fear and no-where to go was one of the main reasons. The path I was on was not good. I was always hopping life and promises would turn our lives around. But the promises never came to fruition. Most women in my situation do stay out of fear and leave up to 9 times. I had no idea what I should be doing; I still had no-where to go.

The more I write, the struggle to get where I am today, has been so valuable, to help keeping me moving forward. Who I am today, is not who I was, when I walked away. The struggle helped me understand what it means when I look at myself today. It has been a painful process, peeling away the person I was and developing a new and refreshed person. Untying the chains of the past is always a challenge, I remember the first time I heard “Amazing Grace” after I walked into a church for the first time, I cried, buckets of tears.

I did not think I would be this free, in 6 short years, discovering the heart is pure joy, discovering God and feeling whole is so important.

©bjsscribbles

Not hiding the shame

Lately I have started walking in my life openly, talking more about the life I led before I came to the place I am at now. I don’t hide what happened in my life anymore, it is such a great feeling to live openly and honestly.

___________________________________________

 

 

We live a life
Sometimes not talking
Hiding the shame of life

Yet there comes a time
When we need to talk
Not hiding the shame
My shame covered me
Covered my life
I find now

It’s okay, to say, “I’m not Okay”
There are days when we can ask, “RU Okay”
Because in life sometimes, we are not really okay

Ever tried putting up a smile
Trying to convince everyone
You’re alright, it’s hard work

For years, I live my life like that
Hiding behind a smile, believing
Before achieving
When you are hurt
Really hurt emotionally
Or physically
You don’t have to hide
Or pretend

For a long time I hid my wounds
Till I found I was not alone
We all have wounds
After all we are individuals and human
To be real, and authentic
Is a challenge till we do
We will never heal

I pretended for so many years
My soul knew the truth
It knew I was hiding, lying
Healing came slowly, honestly
And with compassion
Love, forgiving, learning

Healing came as I walked into the dark side of my life
Not hiding, as I walked out of the dark and toward the light of God
I learned I was walking in the light, discover the light

(c)bjsscribbles

 

Not knowing & Learning

 

This minute I am thinking
When I arrived, I needed to stay open
I was shut of from the world so long
Now I never shut myself off, never close down
Keep the doors open to life
I had to learn

Depression closes doors
Open the doors and you will live
There will be times
When you will be wounded
You will suffer
There have been times
When I have stayed in bed all day
Hidden from the world

Today on the other side
With everything behind
The renewal of life is before me
Staying open to the world
Open your heart to the world

There is so many surprises
The world will invite you
Treat you, Teach you new ways
Shape you, let life in
And you will find
A world full of magic

With God at Your side

 

(C)bjsscribbles

Another time another place

 

A Long Time ago
I wondered,
Where was I going
I sat all alone
Life went by
Faster than time
I knew not when
I was a dreamer
All I had was my dreams
Achieving life was all I had

Life was a disguise
I can see the mask of many
I see my eyes a long time ago
I should have realised

Never changing ever aging
Life dragged from day to day
Some many days and night
Oh! how I wished
I had found myself
Before on the theft of time

Doors that opened
Seeing people, seeing things
People received me
People were good to me
Oh! how the were good to me
Helping me along the way

I woke from this dream
Knowing that I should have
Realised a long time ago
Where I was

Another time, another place
I don’t care what people say
No I realise there was no other way for me

No more living from day to day
A long time ago
I should have realised
There was no other way

Now in another time, Another place

(c)bjsscribblestree