Life now within the Barossa

 

The courage it took to take that first step into the unknown is enormous. I had no idea of what I was going to do or where I was going to live. Making a new life is full of ups and downs.
Finding the trust deep within myself, to trust myself again to make decisions. Showing myself to the world, getting to know myself after so many years. I look back now, when I see what I came from. I put so many demands on myself, I had to find faith. Dropping the past was the biggest hurdle, I know the dead past is now gone, this month is my first real big step into the new
Something deep inside has been poking at me saying, “It is time” taking the step mixing with people on the international stage at the Australian open is going to be unreal. There is a little fear inside my heart, but I’m not frightened. Each day now as my departure gets closer the excitement is overwhelming. I can now see my days are going to be full of fun an excitement.
Most people whom come through a life that was hard, never get to where I am. Fear still lives in my heart, but life gets easier and easier as time has moved forward. I know I will be challenged and tested.
I believe in the choices I have made, my courage has increased my ability to cope. Gathering my strength and belief in myself so late to me is my world of dreams complete.
I’m walking on a path starting the New Year with a challenge to see the world come together in Melbourne. It’s a commitment towards something I have never done before in my life. I will be writing about my challenge.
I’ve always had adventure in my heart, my new world is opening. I’ve pour out healing words about my life, now I can leave those words behind as my future starts. I know I have life experience, I am committed to making my life.
As I look back and see what I’ve achieved, remembering the moments that have made my life what it is today.
I’ve been thinking a great deal about my roots these last few months, and where I have come from. My love of tennis comes from my Dad. I’ve covered some territory these past few years searching, yet not connecting till now. Where I now live there is a network of support, so much energy comes from the people I have met, yet nourished my new life.
The way I’m starting my year, it’s going to be a year I will never forget. Keeping the momentum going through the year is going to be a challenge, but I know I will. Here’s to the future.

With God now in my life all things are created new.

(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

 

 

Where do I begin

I’ve search my screen for answers, now the decision, is where do I begin writing my story?
I’ve come to the position where my is closing one door an another is opening, so many things happened in my life. There is a huge gap in my life now as I wonder where I’m going to finish. I try looking around a corner for answers. I cannot let go of my old life altogether as there is two grown up daughters. I know the past is my life that was, but my new life is now created, I can involve my daughters. There will still be hurt, my healing will enable me to deal with the hurt. As time goes on the consequences will become clearer.
There are thoughts of challenges ahead, how do you let go of something that helped you survive? I am now the person I am today because of the life I led. I was able to get through the worst times of my life, because of the person I was. I had strength, even though I was wearing out. I felt there was someone looking out for me but did not know whom till now.
Writing this is going to be a challenge, I’ve struggled to get where I am. There is a desire for the healing of my mind body and spirit. The old story of my life rises from time to time manipulating my request to close the book on my old life over and over. Countless times my past rises and sabotages the path I have been following.
There is an outstretched hand reaching out to me, guiding me toward the light, footsteps invisible to the naked eye. Pulling me through the forest of life, I just have to never let go now, never turning back
I have started this process many times, never being able to complete the process. It has taken time, after all it was a lifetime I left behind. Maybe it is a lesson I have to learn, faith truth, trust, strength, courage. I struggled, a great deal over the past handful of years, it’s still all new. As a young person I lost my faith in God, but I have found my faith in God. When I was going through the thick of my healing, I felt so lost in all forms of life. I could not barely put two words together without stammering.
All of this time has led me up to this point. The next chapter, of my life, starting new pages that need to be written as I move forward. The changes that started a few short years ago, when the attempts at making a new life began. Now the new story begins, I have no idea what is going to happen, I know it’s beginning with an adventure and love of life. When I come home after January I wont stop writing or talking.
I know now, I just have to let go, the lessons of life will continue to flow. By letting go I can become more.
As I now close the old book of my life, It pushed me to live as I do now. It helped me become more than I could have ever thought I could be. I see all the moments that I have lived, I feel all the times I have failed and got back up, dusted myself off and started again. I have been resilient, in moving throughout my new life step by step.
I must use what I have learned, my willingness to heal, my faith is now relentless to believe.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.—Philippians4:6-7

January is going to be full, with a trip to the tennis, Australian open championships, for me all my dreams will come true. Turning 65 on centre court. I’ve come from nothing, I’ve grown as a person, full of courage, new found faith, and trust.
The unknowns and challenges leave me feeling anxious. I’ve achieved a great deal over the past few years. A new challenge is facing me as I said going to the Australian Open tennis, flying in a plane. Don’t laugh it is 46 yrs since I was on a plane. Planes now have engines not propellers. Making my way around Melbourne. I’ve been working on a to do list while I am there. I am remembering Paul’s words, “Don’t worry pray”
The word’s of Paul encourage us all. One thing I have come to realise “Life is not without uncertainties” as I read Paul’s words. What I continue to learn is God cares about our lives. All of us face major life transitions, family issues, health scares or most of all financial troubles. God has shown me, I can let go of my fears of the unknown, and stop worrying about what may or may not happen.
As I open the door to my next stage of life, I can rest in God’s promises, that his peace and understanding will guard my life as He does others. Guarding our heart and mind.
It is a blessing not to be anxious about anything, God reminds us we can come to Him about anything and everything. I praise God every morning for what He has done in my life and what He has done in many of my friends lives.
Knowing now God is in my life eases my mind, with prayer, we lift our anxiety
up to God and find comfort and peace in God’s hands. Replacing our anxiety with God’s trust.

(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

 

Dedicated to Brandy

A little friend came into my life 2 months ago now. She has been a pure gift from God, bringing joy to many people.

With so much sadness around in the world today, Brandy brings joy to your heart. I might be biased but to me she has the heart of “Grey friars Bobby”

 

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Her morning routine is made up of enjoying my coffee under my patio with Brandy at my side. She climbs on my lap, her brown eyes focused on my heart as though she knows my thoughts for the day.

I shower to ready myself for a walk, she is ever so helpful in trying to help me with my shoes. As soon as they are on my feet she is over by the door searching out her harness and leader.

I go out for meetings and my volunteer work, the joy when I arrive back is immeasurable, she almost gives you vertigo as she runs around in circles.
Imagine a Silky Terrier running in circles, when she picks up her favourite bone pressing it hard to make it squeak.

She is a spark in my life I missed for 12 months, a friend told me once many times fill the gap that was void after Tibby passed. It took a while but now it has happened. Brandy is far better than any medication Doctors can offer.

 

Brandy’s hair cut

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I walked through the door to Freedom an a new life

A friend once asked me If I ever had dreams, this is her dog.

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Dreaming over the years came from deep within my spirit, the wonders of an untapped world, created from deep within my mind. Wandering a continent as old as the world, pondering adventure, thinking thoughts.

Dreaming my thoughts trapped within my soul, I let them loose on the world. There were cages trapped within my mind filled with stumbling blocks of Barbed wire, curling my mind. Mental blocks were keeping my mind under siege, falling many times constantly tripping caught on Barbed wire. All I needed was a chance to step through the dungeons chained within my mind, a chance to make decisions.

IMG_0051 (2), freedom is something I still have trouble explaining in my dreams. Freedom moved me to Joy, at the same time I didn’t know how to use freedom. In my hands Freedom, seemed so far in the future, longing for freedom. Once I was able to hold onto freedom, finding a way to new worlds with it. Freedom total freedom, cause me to freeze within my heart.

There was help, but I didn’t know how to ask for it. I searched big open spaces, not knowing what I wanted. Thoughts, dreams, confused my mind, I crossed a continent, sat on top of mountains, turned my eyes towards the heavens, praying for guidance. Thoughts of returning to the fold entered my mind, thoughts I thought I left behind. I have tasted freedom now, there is no going back.

I in my heart and soul, keep moving forward. My soul craved freedom for so many years. Each day is a new step for freedom. I’ve tried mind mapping, my dreams, putting them down on paper, seeing where my dreams have taken me. Some dreams I just wasn’t ready for, it was just too early.

There is more to discover, more to learn. I just have to be patient, waiting for my dreams to unfold. I wasn’t ready, prepared for the not knowing, feelings arose from deep within my mental cages, blocking me from moving forward.. I didn’t understand what was going on inside my mind, I slipped back into anxiety, depression, PTSD. Taking the wrong road creates mistakes, I understand now and have taken the right road, turning the corner into complete health.

I was led out of the darkness, saved by a continent, who I was is far different to whom I am today. I arrived at a place of opportunity. Seeds were planted in my life, I understand how important they were now. I started to see them unfold and grow into my future.

My past once haunted me, now I create a life because of my past, serving me more than anything in this world. If we search the images of our mind, see how your garden blooms, growing more and more each day.

Silence in the unknowns

My Footsteps search new places
Places I’ve never been before
The shifting sands that speak
Footsteps in desert sands
Speak to my soul
Introduced unknowns
One free whisper
Brings comfort in solitude
Silence in the unknowns
I hear them welcoming me
Footstep calling me for such a long time
Quiet me down, seek and discover
Knock and a door will open
Ask and receive new lands
They breathe the air of realisations
That littered my life,
Making changes, clarity
I’ve connected the dots lately
Where only a short time ago I was lost
I still have unanswered questions

Divided by roads not yet taken
Those roads are becoming closer
As I walk through the next coming days
Those questions, I will leave, for now
While I move into the next phase of my life
No more pushing and pulling at my heart
I know, answers will arrive
From the heights of the mountain forests
There is no time limit
Don’t rush, let it be

I don’t feel alone anymore
I feel more connected
I feel the footsteps of God
Across the desert sands to the mountains
There is love that has always been there
Love that is growing
I found something deeper
That I avoided for a life time

 

It was always meant to happen
I lived in denial for so long
Finally answering the call of God
You can always try and avoid the call of God
But the truth is always there
Shinning the beacon light of God
Despite your attempts to stay hidden
Step into the light

You may not know where you are for a time
I know I didn’t know where I was
The feeling of being lost arrives at moments
You’re beyond where you once were
You’ve moved past the past, you’re experiencing new things
You’re growing, comes all of the greatness of life and adventures

To heal and regenerate body, mind, and soul
I had no idea of what to expect, my emotions,
My thoughts, my faith has grown
My guidance from God
For me that’s enough
Faith, trust, and the grace of God
.
I know I can do this, the wind will blow
Calling me to something great
Things will change the course of my life
One step at a time
Divided by roads not yet taken
Those roads are becoming closer
(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

 

To feel life as I do now

A beautiful time of day
Dusk, on a summer’s eve
Under the Australian sun
I never want to die
I want to live forever

To feel life as I do now

Will it be ever possible,
The trees, with branches covered in leaves
Covered in blossom, picked by faith
OH! they barely feel us walking beneath
The corners, the footpaths, we turn and walk
Maybe the life journey we take
Continue to hold us all on earth
There are days I walked through life
As though I was in limbo
Forgetting to look around.
Without turning my head
A beautiful time of day, Dusk
On a summers eve, I want to live forever
Where the vine grows over the fence
Dangling the fruit of God
The joys of a childhood once remembered here
Imagining our deep root on earth
(c)bjsscribbles

Standing up to all the demons in my life

There have been times over the years, where I wanted to throw in the towel, give in and quit. But I have held on progressing further each day.

It has taken all my strength to hold standing up to all the demons in my life. I’ve taken a complete new road, walking with God. I’m staying away from the wolves, keeping away from the prey. The wolves are just around the corner, waiting for me to fail, attacking at the greatest moment of weakness.

 

I keep reminding myself, stay strong, hold firm it’s my life now. The odds were well and truly stacked up against me when I first walked away from life, there was no-one who believed in me or what I was doing. I dug into my faith started searching for a new way of life. I knew there had to be another way to live, I couldn’t go back. I began to live the way of the gospel my belief grew an I reminded myself why I was doing it. No-one could take my journey it was my choice.

Many showed their opinions feeding doubt into my mind and soul, despite their best intentions. It was never about me or what I was doing, it was always about them. It was their fear speaking not mine. It was the sense of possibility showing about my choices.

I have travelled a path others in my life couldn’t achieve, silencing the outside voices in my life. I admit there is a silence in my heart, it is a fear, I tell myself, “Don’t soften, endure” Hold on tight, you are there for the long ride.

I have been challenged in many ways lately, as I continue to believe, my hearts desire to know more about the gospel, my thirst for adventure, to spread my wings further. I’ve been looking back over the years, since I left my home, my increased faith, it has been unconventional but my life now is true and good.

 

Though challenges, have been many, especially those of the devil, yet I know deep down, somewhere inside, my heart has shone, that has been the most poignant part of my journey. I could have quite a long time ago ended this journey abandoned, time and time again. Giving to wolves their biggest opportunity ever to consume my life again

I could of conducted my life differently, that would’ve set me down many other paths. For some reason I chose the way of the gospel, no-matter what arrives now, I’ve been able to follow my faith, walking with God. Maintaining my faith is important to me now.

There are times when I feel as though I am walking through my life in a blur, maybe it’s the demons trying to attack. Staying in touch with God, putting on the Helmet of Salvation. I feel my heart is guided by my sense of faith.

Faith is no accident, there is something truly there for me, faith that I can continue. My life is now worth something, ablaze with all the aspects of life. Without the wolves preying at my mind.

Read Ephesians 6:10-20

 

(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

 

Whispers

 

Whispers
Quiet down. The silence in your heart
The silence in your mind hears a whisper in your heart
A spec of sand, carried in the wind like the depths of your soul
Guiding you diverting you, experience that rattles your mind
All things that happen in life, by a small infinite amount
This life we lead is so limited to what could be or could’ve been
Sit quietly, listen, feel at one with life and what you know
Connect with what you already know, feel at one with the moment
God is there, grounding you deep within the earth, when you are seeking answers

When you sit, you’ll find the answer are not beyond you, when you are truly with God

As I sit here clearing my mind, my answers come, letting go, making space for the new
As I’ve settled more and more, it’s about my feelings deep down, taking away what was keeping me from living
I’m making my mind work for me now
Not against me, growing with my emotions
Not letting them work against me
I needed silence in my life
Creating my stories, my health, my mind
Feeling at one with God, was in the quiet
Just me guiding my life, letting my heart guide me where I need to go
That unexpected feeling you feel when you take up the reigns of your life
I spent a great deal of time on my own, guiding myself towards this moment
All that time didn’t take me directly to where I needed to be

My soul has kept me in the vicinity of where I needed to be
Helping me turn into myself finally, parts of me resisted, inwardly crying out

There is still fear, little bits of fear, but new energy has evolved
As I look over my life, there is the person today, whom may have done things differently
Oh! wisdom takes hold of my thoughts, “How much energy it has taken from me to get where I am”
I know I couldn’t haave done things differently
I’ve had to walk the path I’ve taken
I think of everything I’ve done, everything I’ve gone through
I know I’ve have to keep walking forward
Creating a new life, being creative
Walking with God
(c)bjsscribbles

 

 

Ride on the breath Of the Holy Spirit

Ride on the breath
Of the Holy Spirit
Quietly, focus

.From the pockets of
Of your depths
Connect, understand
Outside of you there is nothing
It is deep within you
Outside of you there is nothing to seek
You are already for the Holy Spirit
Your path with the Holy Spirit was there from the moment you were concieved
Begin to understand
It’s here, it always been there waiting
Discovereing you were always plugged into the Holy Spirit

You thought you were on your own for such a long time
Running in circles, you could never find answers
No more circles, just the Holy Spirit
You are everything, the Holy Spirit is in you
New life is breathing inside me
I sit now under the stars
Believing
Talking with God
Proclaiming to myself there is life
I conducted a battle within myself for so many years

Part of me did not want to let go
The deeper side knew, I had to let go
Finding the Holy Spirit in life gave me life
Turning myself into something more
To get down on my knees and give my life to God
To let go of fear
And settle
Oh! what a transitions, and many of them
No more standing on the edge of life
The fringes only bring heartache
There was only marching through and seeking the Holy Spirit
It’s always been there for us all
I lay in silence
I get up now each day walking out of the old ways
I walk ahead
There is a story to my life
One that served me
Now I am growing finding me

It is a grand feeling

(c)bjsscribbles

The layers of life

As I pull back the layer of my life, it’s like peeling an onion, sometimes there is a few tears, sometimes buckets. Then you begin to see things in a new light. Shaking the very foundation of your life, I’ve had to face the reality of life and my actions, trusting yourself is so important.
Recently I have been meandering around looking at pictures of myself since I started this journey, searching different layers of my healing. The innermost mask I wore for so many years was staring at me, waiting for me to peel back the layer that haunted me for so many years. I’ve looked at that picture and searched the realities of that life, a hundred years ago now. It seems like forever. I understood what had existed then and it now scares me to think of that life and how it was back then.
I’ve put that journey behind me now, those areas of my life are too hot to handle, I’ve dealt with everything, sometimes they hurt, but I am able to deal with them now, working through the pain has allowed me to heal. I’ve healed in so many ways. The landscaping around the tree of life, has started to look complete, as I approach the next step of my life. I never thought I could even think I would be living the way I am. It’s time for living.
The next chapter or box in my life is slowly opening, there are unhandled situations. I’ve chosen a different walk in life now and that has paved the way for the person I am now. I can see now who I am and I am enjoying being me.
My world has shifted, unfolding on deeper levels of healing, no matter what has happened in the past. Life is not finished it’s just unfolding differently now. I know I’ve only scratched the surface. Of my new life.

Many years ago I thought I was over growing pains but they are with me now, I’ve been scared about committing to anything. But the other part of me pushed myself into committing to a few things, digging deep into energy that was left, taking steps to grow into the next step of healing.

People have been talking to me lately about writing my testimony, it means going back over my story. Refining life. I have written a great deal, one heck of a lot, there is still much I need to explore, I have to find the energy to dive into it all. The path has to begin soon, wandering back through all the dark caverns of ones life, illuminating everything good or bad. How much baggage I’ve held onto.
With a road map in hand and a compass, I will take that journey.

(c)bjsscribbles