Overcoming Introvert anxiety

Overcoming Introvert anxiety

My committed journey into discovering whom I have become, has led me into researching many aspects of life. My committed walk.

I was always an introvert, on the inside looking out, trying to discover a world. Having trouble making friends as a young person followed me throughout life. In those days no-one was going to help me. With help that I have had now as an older person, I am able to achieve many friends.

When I was in a group of people, I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out what I was going to say, or make myself sound interesting. I have wondered whether people see me in a good light. There is still times when I feel paralysed, stressed. Not knowing what to say or do. I used to stay focused on myself while mixing with others as I was so stressed, now I try not too. I try now to focus on the people around me, so I can see more of the world and learn more.

Today life is a mystery, the world is fascinating as life has unfolded, I have learned more as the world turns over and I ask questions. There is a history about life and people when you become truly fascinated and start a conversation. I realise now how many relationships I have built across Australia. Realising now people are interested in me, I inquire about them as well. People will also realise you are an unbelievable listener as they talk about their life and the memories they have. People do love to talk about themselves.

Learning to take the focus of me, being self conscious about not knowing what to say-versus really wanting to learn about the person across the room from you. I have learned my relationships with people has changed. Life outside my bubble has changed. Relationships are growing.

Meeting people in my life, learning about people has changed my goal settings, I realise I am achieving the unthinkable. People often talk about their goals, but to me sometimes I believe they are impossible. I seem to view my goals like a campaign , my visions of my goals begin to be a milestone. As each day unfolds my end goal seems achievable increasing my chances of success.

Mentally life is now increasing and my goals are coming closer, breaking things down day by day has helped me considerably, helping me get where I am. I have discovered much about myself and life.

I am trying not to get distracted from what I desire to do with the last part of my life. I know my goals are huge helping me settle my anxiety of being around people.



Waves continue their roll
Rolling towards the shore
Each day

Ships glide through ocean waves
With a force only those whom watch
Can imagine

I await the arrival of tomorrow
Tomorrow is irresistible
As waves continue to roll
With a force only those whom watch
Can imagine

Drifting sands roll along the shore
I stand and watch for tomorrow
Envious of those aboard those ships
A voyage of tomorrow
Just commencing

I stand before the ocean
Capturing the peace of the sun
Feel the strength and warmth
Channel through

Lacking sensation
Worries, that catch you
fast approaching
Throwing you of course

Conscious of surroundings
Allowed me to see
How similar we all are
Yet unique in reality

Until tomorrow passes
Like a ship, the ocean closes in behind
Just as before, waves join again
Creating ripples of activity

Drifting sands roll along the shore
I stand and watch for tomorrow
Envious of those aboard those ships
A voyage of tomorrow
We were heading for tomorrow
As each ship weaves through
Just commencing It’s own path,
Seeking, searching, images



Frosty flats

Birdwood South Australia can get to-, 0.6 during winter. I know countries will say thats not cold. But it is for South Australia. Today during the open garden season friends and I visited the gardens to learn a bit more about growing in frosty weather.

Check out the link for more information.




Living above defeat

Reminding myself each day I am creating new memories. It doesn’t mean though the past is not going to rise again, or loose the progress I have gained.

Life for me when I was young revolved around tennis till life arrived invading my committed life to tennis. At times I did loose at tennis the same as the tennis champions of today do loose. Today I look through my eyes as a tennis player, like I once was, and realise losing a tennis match doesn’t mean you are losing at life. The many opportunities that arose when I feel as though I am losing, there is a chance to learn if we loose.

I can picture the defeat I’ve seen in my life. Slowly moving away from anger, bitterness, hatred, I’ve learned so much from the last few years, I’ve grown in my walk with Jesus. I call the last few years my growing years. Life didn’t work, not walking with God, I was shown a pathway to God. I moved one step closer to freedom in my soul, my heart. A step closer sharing the light of God.

Making choices in my life, I needed to make choices, but there has been no guarantee that things will turn out as they did in the past when I failed. One of the guarantees I found if I kept travelling down the same path I would fail, and life would be the same in the future.

I needed to look at things I understood, to learn from them. Wisdom comes from learning, (“Knock ask and wisdom will come”) a good friend once told me. Understanding the application of what you have learned= LETTING GO OF THE PAST.

Travelling a completely different path now, I use my mind to understand and search for what resonates my path. I needed to apply my own thoughts and wisdom, not that of many others. Putting all the broken pieces of my life together, something has to click returning to the negatives, is horrid, reminding me to stay in the present.

We can all put in the effort to look at our past. I now look at it from time to time, seeking wisdom from my past. I am not ashamed of my past, I’ve removed all judgement from the years of turmoil, moving forward in my life aiming to achieve my goals and leave something behind.

As the years have moved slowly forward, developing a proper relationship with my mind. Seeing life as it is really is for the first time. I am able to navigate life with much more skill. Even though I find when people try and project their own ideas of how life actually is I remind myself not to do that. I acknowledge there is a difference between our own personal reality and actual reality- this can be very different. Not seeing things as they actually are over the years has sent me on a very painful path. I’ve seen these delusions of. This caused a great deal of pain for some around me.

Discovering the right sense of thinking, I am now less emotionally involved. This now helps my mental health. For years my health was not good. I look at what is in front of me now and move slowly forward. I go with it aligned with existing, the truth in the here and now. Seeing things as they are and not the way you want them to be.

Today I have found the key to living peacefully with greater confidence and boldness is knowing God is foremost in my life. He has forgiven my sins. God is not an angry God, all my sins have been worn by Jesus at the cross.


How I discovered HAPPINESS


People ask me, “Are you happy?” I don’t know how many times, I’ve been asked. With everything in my life, so many people have opinions on the pathway to happiness. Looking for a lasting breakthrough, I have come to learn the only true pathway to happiness is discover it for ourselves.

Growing in boldness and confidence has helped me build a foundation to happiness for a lasting breakthrough. Now even when I fall, I am falling forward, making sure I don’t crash out. For me my sense of fulfillment comes from going to God with my problems,  a sense of happiness arises. Being a secular person till later in life there was no real place to go to find happiness. Today I find it here deep within my soul.

Dwelling in the moment- there were many moments when my mind wasn’t present in the moment. Bringing myself into the moment of what is going on in my life, expanding my mind, my view, to what was wrong in my life. There was so much wrong, what the problems were, leading to the challenges of the moment.

There is always hope to the hopeless, and help to those that are torn down, crushed depleted, and on the brink of giving up, there is the strength of Grace in the hand of God that pulls you through-to happiness. I found that’s where my happiness lives, life still challenges me, I’ve moved on, walking through nature, expanded my mind, to the new possibilities of life, instead of closing the door, building walls around me. Shutting everything away that connects myself to the outside world. I know things maybe tough, I tell myself, but if I’m in this world, I must be truly present, to be part of happiness.

Depression can be a bondage, and sometimes an addiction to some, but it is truly an imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain. Finding God has delivered me from Panic attacks, memories of abuse, over decades. Defeating these feelings has been a victory in life for me. Believing in God has helped me so much.

Finding happiness in my heart, mind and soul, as I reach my goals, or ever do, or in the act of achieving them. I feel now I am in the mode of a purposeful life. Happiness exists in the moment, it’s not a faraway thing, it’s not unreachable. Finding my ground, upon which I needed to grow, to thrive and be truly present. I was always searching, looking here and there- life was never going to be here or there, I had to let opportunities live. Being in the moment- being grateful to God, being appreciative and connecting with where I am at make for true happiness for me. Running with my dreams, finding the day and among the glistening stars, reaching out to the world. I do struggle to remain happy but I remember there are many of us out there who struggle, I remember this verse from the Psalms “Happy are the people whose God is the Lord” Psalm 144:15.


To the highest point

Hike the mountainous gorge
To the highest point
Great nature not to disappoint
Up God’s pathway
Looking up to Jesus
Not to waver of the path

Hike the mountainous gorge
Hard though it may seem
To the highest point
Jesus is there waiting for you
You will find your dream

Upon the mountainous gorge
Find a life fulfilled
With Love and peace
You will find your dream
In His arms
Life beyond your dreams
That will never leave you
In Jesus name Amen.


In and around Melbourne

A long iced cold coffee was a welcome drink during my time in Melbourne and the Australian open.  The picture of the car was taken because with the crowds, it was the closest I could get to Rafa Nadal

The garden were peaceful surrounded with water displays. It’s a very busy place, busier than I remember. My ride on the Puffing billy around the Dandenong ranges were exciting. The main thing I could do is raise my feet and stick them out the window to cool down.



Life experience, resting with God

I wrote this because It is something I have to remind myself, continually now, as I experience, new emotions. Some things I have never experienced before in my life.



As I walk closer with God now and realise where my life is at, I know there is going to be disappointments, discouragement, which are all normal emotions. We all will experience these emotions whether we are Christians or not. By pressing closer to God as I have found I can make sure I don’t let these emotions get the better of me again.

A long time ago now I was discouraged by life not knowing where to turn, my family just didn’t get what was going on in my life. In the midst of my suffering and questioning whether there was God or someone out there that could help me. Family heaped so much more on me, I was blamed for the afflictions of alcohol by my partner arguments and abuse. In the Bible a noted character Job was depressed, disillusioned by life and family. Others don’t understand what we are going through, or don’t wish to get involved as we wished they would. Our disappointment can turn to discouragement. Believe me turning to God, searching for answers in a battlefield of the mind can lead to finding peace.

Despite our prayers, sometimes things don’t turn out the way we want them to, you as I did can become discouraged with life. When I repented and came to God first asking for forgiveness, forgiving myself, then my heart softened slowly. I was so angry the way my life had fallen, discouraged with those around me, with no perspective in life. I wondered if there was hope in God. I couldn’t see the bigger picture of a life the God was placing before me.

In the beginning I felt so discouraged with myself, my pride kept me from seeing myself clearly. While my pride kept my doors closed to the outside world, God denied me the world. We can feel discouraged, depressed, when we fail to live up to someone else expectations. Till I worked out it was my own expectations I had to live up to. Discouragement happens to us all, don’t let it swallow your life it almost did mine.

I found myself over the holidays, working with God has given me strength. Before I was not honest with myself, so many feelings were going through my body, I did not know how to handle them. I sought God further. The biggest thing I learned was not to pretend, I was alright. The first thing in coming to God is admit you need God or someone to help you. Learning how to process your negative feelings through God has helped me get where I am today.

I am more conscious of what I put through my body today, my body just was not working a couple of years ago, today with my body on the right track, my mind, emotions are strong. God tended to my body first, before addressing all of my other problems. Oh! There was many mental problems God had to deal with for me. Circumstances of life had drained me dry, God wanted me to press the pause button, on my life and take time to be me and reconnect as I did, simply rest and refresh.

By paying attention to my thoughts last year led to where I am today, maturing as a believer, maturing as Barbara, I thought truthfully about where I am at in my life and my relationship with God. We attempt to make sense of what happens in our lives, we try to figure out, why this, or that happens and what it all means. Today I found it crucial that I pay attention to my thoughts, with everything that goes through my mind, or what particular situation. Sometimes our thoughts can lead to discouragement. When thoughts change in your mind and heart, negative emotions can creep in. Even though life stays the same.



The pain across your brow, pressing on every side of your body can strike you down, I know it did me more than once. It can leave you almost destroyed. Today I have learned firmly to fix my eyes upon God. Searching God for His spiritual help, therefore we do not loose heart or sight of God. I know it is hard, life is hard. Fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is, unseen is, eternal. There is pain in life, don’t let discouragement win.

We all know the truth, life is hard, people do disappoint and hurt us. We don’t always understand what is going on. Since coming to know the Lord, I have found Him to be a stronghold in my life. In times of trouble, God’s faith, trust, always gets me through. I found during the years of turmoil in my life, troubles became unbearable. Since building a relationship with God, handing my troubles to God at the foot of the cross, life became easier.

I know myself, I give thanks to God for the life He has given me with much Gratitude. It helps so much and is so powerful in dispersing discouragement. I now look for things that I can be grateful for each day keeping my life on track, I know I can do it now with God walking beside me.


Deuteronomy 31:8

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”


Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lordyour God will be with you wherever you go.”


Job 6:20

They are distressed, because they had been confident; they arrive there, only to be disappointed.


Isaiah 49:23

Kings will be your foster fathers, and their queens your nursing mothers. They will bow down before you with their faces to the ground; they will lick the dust at your feet. Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.”


Colossians 3:16

Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.

The unknown

The courage it took to take that first step into the unknown is enormous. I had no idea of what I was going to do or where I was going to live. Making a new life is full of ups and downs.
Finding the trust deep within myself, to trust myself again to make decisions. Showing myself to the world, getting to know myself after so many years. I look back now, when I see what I came from. I put so many demands on myself, I had to find faith. Dropping the past was the biggest hurdle, I know the dead past is now gone, this month is my first real big step into the new
Something deep inside has been poking at me saying, “It is time” taking the step mixing with people on the international stage at the Australian open is going to be unreal. There is a little fear inside my heart, but I’m not frightened. Each day now as my departure gets closer the excitement is overwhelming. I can now see my days are going to be full of fun an excitement.
Most people whom come through a life that was hard, never get to where I am. Fear still lives in my heart, but life gets easier and easier as time has moved forward. I know I will be challenged and tested.
I believe in the choices I have made, my courage has increased my ability to cope. Gathering my strength and belief in myself so late to me is my world of dreams complete.
I’m walking on a path starting the New Year with a challenge to see the world come together in Melbourne. It’s a commitment towards something I have never done before in my life. I will be writing about my challenge.
I’ve always had adventure in my heart, my new world is opening. I’ve pour out healing words about my life, now I can leave those words behind as my future starts. I know I have life experience, I am committed to making my life.
As I look back and see what I’ve achieved, remembering the moments that have made my life what it is today.
I’ve been thinking a great deal about my roots these last few months, and where I have come from. My love of tennis comes from my Dad. I’ve covered some territory these past few years searching, yet not connecting till now. Where I now live there is a network of support, so much energy comes from the people I have met, yet nourished my new life.
The way I’m starting my year, it’s going to be a year I will never forget. Keeping the momentum going through the year is going to be a challenge, but I know I will. Here’s to the future.




With my life changing experiences

With my life changing experiences, I am now at the stage where I am accepting full responsibility for how my life is going to span out now.

Everything in my life, my body is my responsibility, my thoughts are mine and mine alone, my feelings, I have not expressed for many years, today they are mine, my actions are my responsibility, all of it. How long I have waited for myself to express myself

I gave the power of my life to, too many people, power seeped out of my body. Too may people had control over my life an I didn’t know how to pull it back. Today my past is the past, there is still a little blame there I am holding onto myself. I cannot take full responsibility, because if I did then there would be no-one else in my life to have any say in how things turned. My past has made me whom I am today.

I can see it pretty clearly now, how my life kept me from becoming whom I am today. As the time gets closer, I feel I am being transformed as I walk walk onto the plane later this month.

My thoughts have changed, my thinking has come alive in a new world. My responsibility, creating a new mind, time and time again. Everything that has come across my path over the past few years has been moving towards this time. A clear meaning to how I am going to live my life now, steering me in the direction, I am now living.

I have travelled of the path, venturing slightly of path living the old ways then something happens and I am guided right back on track.

Going back over my journal reading the road I have travelled has been so thought provoking. In ways it has helped remind myself the mistakes I made in my life and whom I was back then. Connecting with myself on a deeper level rewarding myself finally in my life is thirst quenching. Untangling the mass that built up in the brain over the years, I can see myself as a young woman again. I feel proud of my achievements.

As I have travelled throughout my journeys, gaining spiritual wisdom through God. I’ve witnessed the old pieces of my life dying off. Who I thought I was, who I continually believed I was, is now pretty far off from who I really was.

Anxiety had moved throughout my body over last year and the lead up to Christmas and New Year. I had been trying to move my life in a direction of my choice, yet others were pulling toward the old. For a while I was successful, Keeping myself on track, then I had to be patient with myself in the challenging times.

Now having stepped into my life, my life, I believe it now, it’s what I should have been doing all along. Thing are moving quickly.

My mind was so clogged with everyone else wisdom and what they had done in their life,I was just holding on before I drowned. Removing the walls, I am moving forward.

The more I go through my journal all of it and more, I came to the conclusion where my spirit is it knows exactly what is good for me. I often tell my mind to listen, it puts up a fight and throws everything at me that is not good. That is the quality of Satan trying to get into your mind. When I get past that, everything is better than you could imagine.

As my trust is grown in myself, I trust my intuition more and more. I don’t know where my life is going to take me, there has been many massive curve balls thrown at me. There has been many wars going on in my mind, then it turns into a healthy direction, just go with it.

The more I am at war with life, I’ve learned, the more I loose, I’ve learned that lesson many times.

Trust in yourself and the wisdom of God, just go with the flow. And you’ll never go wrong.