There comes a time when we become equal, something I had to achieve by leaving my marriage.
And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place,
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
I’ve been thinking of ways to start today, so many feelings creeped over me this past weekend. A little anger at my ex-husband, proving to myself that he has not changed, he cannot even recognise their birthdays. Yet he was always looking for some recognition from them. They do not know where he is, he always wanted something from all of us, now life has changed and he is on his own he does not know what to do..
People that always want something from you in life, but when it comes to giving back they cannot do it. That aspect of the human population annoys me so much. Yet as many have taught me, praying helps you disperse your anger and forgiveness of others. This weekend was also special as it showed me what God does for us and how he helps us get through our lives, with so much love. Without God in my life now, I don’t think I would be able to get through.
I was very self-scarifying gave myself to him the more I gave myself the he took, he was actually very selfish. He based our life on power and aggression. He held the lock and key to my life, he also had the drive to re-create the past life of his parents, I did not see it because of the life, I led coming from a very humble loving home. Struggling and suffering were new to me, therefore I was not comfortable, I became aversive to his moods and thought by being the peace maker, I would become stronger. But I was wrong, so wrong.
He leaned on me so much in all the years, at times I do not know how I did it. I had fallen into a life so different. Maybe the different lifestyle was appealing, to this day I do not know. I had seen my parent have a drink but it was always done socially never heavy, when I saw my ex-husbands family drink it was so different, beer bottles lined walls of any of their homes and the same thing gradually happened to mine. I did not think this would do any harm at the time, but then he started making his own beer. What his father did he followed, little did I realise at the time that homebrew was stronger. One room in my house was full of home brew. As the years went by I began apologising more and more for my ex-husbands behaviour. When he finished work he would stop of drinking at his father’s instead of coming home to me and his daughters. Eventually he got work closer to home, I thought things might change.
He began leaning more and more on me to do this and that and I was foolishly obliging. And then he changed to drinking fortified wines along with beer. I was becoming lost in a world, not knowing where it was going to end. I began searching for answers, but I eventually always ended up covering for him.
When life and other obligations get in the way, with a young family growing up, I ended up being the protector. Shielding my daughters, covering for them, trying to get them out of the house and enjoying life, unfortunately they could not because they had to always come back.. But it was as hard for them as it was for me.
I always wondered why they never bought friends home from school; they were embarrassed to bring them home. They were always making excuses for their father as well. They followed suit, what Mum covered up they covered up. Something I found out when they eventually married.
We are all finally equalled
Each day as the sun rises
I walk with an explorers mind
Crossing gutters, walking through puddles
Crossing creeks, my trail changes each day
Wild bushes, colours of Australia
Dragon flies hovering in the winter sun
Wings catching glints of sun
Buzzing from one blade of grass to another
Walking solitary with my dog
I experience pure delight of nature
How the terrain changes, through time and wonder
Farm land not worked anymore, open spaces now
Buildings falling down, through time
Raised mounds, now overgrown, with weeds
An ancient cemetery, among weeds
Timeless, here no bird hovers
A silence of such deepness
How long since a wanderer passed these fields
I scratch at the headstones wondering
Who crossed these trails so many years ago
I sit silently, my dog at my side
My pensive eyes searching through the wind
I echo the pain of a wandering traveler
All those years ago, leaving behind
Fellow traveler , such sadness
Ancient graves, lonely now, silent
Tales of toil and trouble ended life
Heroes of this land, no more are they,
A part of this world’s victory
Here they lie solitary, anonymous,
No longer part of this world,lost by time
Some graves marked by crosses and headstones
Yet they tell a story of this timeless land
They are now part of the elements
Wind, sand, rain, yet the lie motionless
In time, a strange calm ventures over me
Generations have passed, descendants
Have come and gone, unmindful of those that have lived
Neither thankful for the legacy, pioneers left behind
Nor thinking, of all the toil
My heart is heavy, as I wander by these moss grown headstones
Thinking of life here devoid of the opulence that I lived
Without a name, these forgotten graves
Death how often do we think of it
So many lives are equalled by death
All differences, equalled, distinctions erased
Here sleeps soldiers, prisoners, slaves
We are all finally equal.