To understand one’s life and put it all into perspective is hard work, something I have been beating myself up about for years, but not anymore. It’s not worth it
I’ve said I must write a bit more about my life, my life was so empty, I had a family, but it was not filled with love. I loved my daughters deeply and still do, they are full grown adults, and your children are never too old not to be loved. I am not sure when things changed or when I changed. Writing this has helped me find out when.
As a child I knew I was loved, but something was always different, you can be the quiet one and live in a shadow of depression and not know it. I did not realise this till late in life, my fifties. You might ask “why?”, you just had a couple of kids and are busy trying to understand the adult world that is before you and the responsibilities that come with it. After a couple of kids you are fatigued your hormones are all mixed up. You know there is something wrong with you but there is nobody around to explain it to you.
You let the world dictate to you what you are supposed to do and all of a sudden the years have rolled by and you look in the mirror and become even more depressed. The mind and the body albeit one and connected to each other the toll years of stress takes on your body, you keep muddling through life doing what you have to do. At time I think I slept through most of my adult life without knowing it was PTSD
At one stage in my life my body did tell me I was over working it with life, I was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism for years I battle the medication to keep thing on and even par. I collapsed numerous times, my ex-husband was wanting more and more from me. He did not know what was going on and neither did I, he was drinking as well as driving. Still putting himself first, at one stage really I was glad that I had to go to hospital to have the gland removed. I got a break from life. But I still had to go back to reality. Now as I look back over the years of my life I over taxed my body for many years, and I wonder why I was always enormously exhausted.
Without knowing it I was battling to keep my life together, continually at the doctors asking for help sometimes feeling like a fraud. Looking for that magic pick me pill. That magic that would lead me to a happier life, but it does not happen like that you have to first realise there is a problem and admit it. There was one big problem in my life people coming at me from all side and an alcoholic husband that is still in denial I think today. Carrying the load of a family, death of ones parents and trying to give your children the life they deserved. Not one of yelling, doors slamming, I could add more but I don’t go there anymore. I did try to get my ex-husband help but he never wanted it. I just stayed and walked blindly through life on a day to day basis. Carrying the load as I did is it any wonder I suffered through depression, exhausting, my body was heavy with guilt shame for not getting out I had nowhere to go and that is why most women stay in domestic violence. They have no-where to go. The more life went on, the more life became unbearable.
As most people know that read my blog I did get out, I would not be able to lead the life I have now. I would be shrivelled up. Sometimes I have good days until trauma hits and then the PTSD comes back with a vengeance and I feel depleted. During those times I forget things, my sister has told me things about my life I do not remember every happening. Something triggers of a memory and my body shuts down for almost a week. You seem as though you are desentised to the world around you. I know it has happened to me.
We are all individuals and experience some sort of stress in our everyday life, trauma and how we deal with it. Seek medical help at all turns is a must and understanding the result of blood tests prescribed by your doctors. At times I have run on automatic pilot during my life without know how I have gotten through a day. With my adrenalin system working in overdrive, symptoms of fatigue, exhaustion, and stress. I had to talk to doctors on my own, my ex-husband was never there when he was there he never believed what was going on. As far as he was concerned it was his right to do what he wanted, because he was the bread winner, his family was second class
Today I do my best to give my body the treatment it deserves, sometimes I do push myself. Some of my health problems today are left-overs from a time gone by. But I am a lot happier; I take my time and try to put my body first. I have written anthology of my life it is stored somewhere on disc, since I move I am not sure where it is, truthfully I don’t want to go there anymore. The reason behind this post is to show how I have dealt with my PTSD over a longer period of time. During the recent loss of my loyal companion of many years “Charlie”, I know I lost some perspective in reality, he came into my life when I needed someone to love. “Charlie” might have been a dog but to me he was human.
People need to seek proper medical support and remember you are not alone.